Right now I am asking God to help me with my stand. It is getting so hard. Sometimes I just wonder if I am being totally manipulated by my H's actions.
Yesterday was the first I saw H since he left early in the morning last week. We didn't have a ton of contact. I just did my thing and tried to be dim.
H came by yesterday. S16 was out and he volunteered to take d13 to practice. He dropped her off and came back. He handed me a check for his portion of the car insurance and then began to tell how bad things are at work (financially). He tells me he is looking for a job but noone want to hire him. I am skeptical to believe this but...whatever.
After our business closed H chose to be a bartender. No benefits. Hours that conflict with the kids' schedules. Relying on tips in this economy. H stated....this is what he is good at and he didn't want to "work for the man." I am sorry, but in my mind I really have a hard time feeling sorry for him if his job isn't going well........he can certainly get other employment but chooses not to. He has had offers...but didn't follow through.
Anyway, H mentions the papers to sell the house and I told him I was not ready to sign. I have a hard time doing this to our children. Our mortgage is half of what rent on a 3 bedroom apt. would be in our area and I will not move the kids out of their school district or town. If H had a "real" job we could afford this fine.
H started crying. Saying how he isn't able to afford the house. That it needs to go on the market....etc.etc.etc. He proceeded to tell me how miserable he is. How he has lost his children (especially s16) and how scared he is.
I tried to empathize but it was hard. I did a lot of listening and when he asked what I was thinking I questioned why he is so miserable. He talked about MOW. How he doesn't think she will ever give up her family for him. How if he was with her...would he really be spending so much time at our home when he is off. I just honestly don't know what to believe out of his mouth.
He told me that he loved me....but I think he was referring to that "I love you ...you are the mother of my children" love. He told me he thought about me every day. He again questioned how I could still love him if he is the awful man I think he is.
He again said something about MOW and I couldn't hear him so I asked him to repeat himself. He said never mind. I can't talk to you about her. I couldn't help myself and said is it because I was right about her all along.
We talked for a bit longer. H reiterated the fact that he is so messed up. Apologized again for not being the man I wanted. I told him that he was...that I never told him to leave or that I didn't want him. That he chose this path. That he left me because he was so unhappy. That I was the fool to believe that he was happy all of these years. I apologized to him.
I finally had to go get s16 and left in tears. H left as well. Probably to report in to MOW. I am so tired of this. I truly am. My H does not realize that our children are a gift from God and that we were put on this earth to care for them not to break their hearts.
H is working tonight. He called me twice today to check on d13's practice. He is a lost soul. I am not sure...he perhaps is a lost cause as well.
Snodderly, I find myself doubting so much. Do you think his actions are to manipulate me......or is he this screwed up? I cried all night last night. First time in a long time I have done that. I am so sad and confused.
