Sorry to hear that you've hit a bump in the road! Try not to ASSume anything -- not easy, I KNOW! I've been there.
Try to remember that it's perfectly normal for h to withdraw (grey and murky?) from time to time...even under the most perfect of sitch's! And what's up with the cell bill? Are you certain that there's "something" there?
Keep DB'ing hon -- act "as if" until h. wonders who the heck this gorgeous, dynamic, energized, happy, loving woman is beside him -- oh, wait, that's my w! he says.
All so easy for me to say, harder to do. Good luck getting support for your parents and your 4 legged babies.
I hope you have a great overnighter!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ok What you need to do is take a step back from the sitch for just a bit. Breath in through your nose out through your mouth. Try and relax and Dont assume anything. You know the saying. You also know that he is prone to do these kind of things from time to time this is when it counts most. If you can show him a confident wonderful women I bet he will step back very quickly and come out of the cave.
Yes, I'm certain about the cell bill thing. I keep a pretty thorough journal on my laptop on a daily basis.
Anyway, I know you are right about acting "as if". I will keep your post in mind when I feel myself slipping into glumland.
I see that you have had some challenging moments yourself lately (the sad and scary thinking thing). You know, dear friend, that I definately can empathize with you. All and all though, it looks like you are still moving together in a positive direction and I draw comfort from your continuing success.
You have become a pillar of strength and wisdom from your own long journey through the dark. I really appreciate your post and take your recommendation to heart.
Quoting Jeannine: Yes, I'm certain about the cell bill thing. I keep a pretty thorough journal on my laptop on a daily basis.
Not all with agree with me here (and that's AOK) but WHY keep such detailed info right now? Do you need it for work or something OR are you doing it to keep tabs on the sitch? Maybe this is crazy but if it's the latter, I seriously advise you to STOP. Turn a blind eye. Not because you want to be duped or naive or whatever but because it will cloud things and make it much harder to DB -- well, at least in my sitch.
We both know it's an ugly, awful, sad and scary thing to think about our h's with ow...and even worse (??) after there's been some sign of recommitment....part of my stress, though, has been the anticipation, the wondering, the what ifs...I've forced myself to stop looking...WHY? Because it was making things so gosh darned hard. And once I eased up, he eased up, etc.
There are moments where I terrify myself -- what if this has all been some heinous, horrible, effort on h's part to dupe me and I find out that he and ow are STILL in love, STILL lying....and then I remember what I need to tell myself again and again...loving him through a veil of fear isn't going to work. I have to push myself to love him as much as possible without fear knowing that if the worst truly does happen, I will survive.
To do that, though, I had to stop looking...well, and I have to remind myself every day to not be fearful! At the end of my AM meditations I always state 3 intents for the day...one of them is invariably "love without fear".
Anyway - my long version of a short question -- are you torturing yourself???
Quote: Anyway, I know you are right about acting "as if". I will keep your post in mind when I feel myself slipping into glumland.
Quote: I see that you have had some challenging moments yourself lately (the sad and scary thinking thing). You know, dear friend, that I definately can empathize with you. All and all though, it looks like you are still moving together in a positive direction and I draw comfort from your continuing success.
I'm grateful for each day.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Found out that H broke his promise to stop lying and also about ending all contact with OW outside of work. He continues to cling to her and she to him.
Also had another episode with H and gun and wanting to end his own life.
On the brighter side of things, H still appears to want the two of us to go to Costa Rica for a week in early 2004. He has also brought up other ideas that include us both.
This would normally bring me some relief, but in light of all the recent deceitfulness, it's difficult for me to trust his intent.
I'm feeling pretty wiped out right now, worn thin by all the disappointment and shiftiness of my home life. I feel like I've been running in a marathon (we all know that feeling) and every time I try to take a step forward, I get whacked in the knees. It's getting harder and harder to get back up.
Wish I could be more positive right now, and yes, I know that there has been some progress. However, I feel my momentum is grinding low and I'm afraid that unless I gradually start to draw some lines in the sand, this will go on indefinately. OW is with him everyday, all day long at work, and he has admitted to still being infatuated with her. And just as Michelle and other's have said, "If you are dedicated to saving your marriage, you need to stop the affair--cold turkey."
So, so long as she continues to work with him, there may never come the day when the tie is broken. He said that he cannot fire her, and it is obvious to me that she has no intention of going away. He also admitted that he still thinks about living on his own, yet he is uncomfortable with me moving on with my life in regard to seeing other men. The double standard is alive and well here.
As I see it, H is not truly committed to working on this marriage to the degree needed at this time.
I'm angry and I'm venting. Please forgive my attitude.
ah, Jeannine -- I'm so sorry to hear of the dip in the 'coaster
Quoting Jeannine: Found out that H broke his promise to stop lying and also about ending all contact with OW outside of work. He continues to cling to her and she to him.
Also had another episode with H and gun and wanting to end his own life.
Is your h unable to see how ill he is right now? I don't mean that judgementally -- more out of worry and concern. 2 (more?) threatened suicide attempts? This is out of hand. I hope that you are safe.
Quote: On the brighter side of things, H still appears to want the two of us to go to Costa Rica for a week in early 2004. He has also brought up other ideas that include us both.
This would normally bring me some relief, but in light of all the recent deceitfulness, it's difficult for me to trust his intent.
Him planning for your future sounds wonderful...let him. As for his intent? let it be.
Quote: I'm feeling pretty wiped out right now, worn thin by all the disappointment and shiftiness of my home life. I feel like I've been running in a marathon (we all know that feeling) and every time I try to take a step forward, I get whacked in the knees. It's getting harder and harder to get back up.
Here's what I'm wondering -- what if you just stopped trying? Really. Dropped the rope, they say. Spent all of your extra energy (after ALL of the commitments that you have... ) focusing on you -- getting you mentally and physically healthy, shoring you up, whatever it takes. Let him take care of YOU.
Quote: Wish I could be more positive right now, and yes, I know that there has been some progress. However, I feel my momentum is grinding low and I'm afraid that unless I gradually start to draw some lines in the sand, this will go on indefinately. OW is with him everyday, all day long at work, and he has admitted to still being infatuated with her. And just as Michelle and other's have said, "If you are dedicated to saving your marriage, you need to stop the affair--cold turkey."
well...michele talks about being able to DB while the op is still around....is it possible for you h. to switch jobs? (can't remember if he owns the business...) Why can't he fire her????
Quote: I'm angry and I'm venting. Please forgive my attitude.
Of course you are!!! And, please don't apologize for your attitude! I'm sorry all of this is going on...but you have nothing to say sorry for.
Please, vent away, take care of you, stay healthy...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Is your h unable to see how ill he is right now? I don't mean that judgementally -- more out of worry and concern. 2 (more?) threatened suicide attempts? This is out of hand. I hope that you are safe.
I can't speak on H's insight into his own illness. You are right in your concern for not only my safety, but his as well. I am going to a shrink tomorrow for myself, I hope that he will keep his appointment that is scheduled later in the month.
Quote: Here's what I'm wondering -- what if you just stopped trying? Really. Dropped the rope, they say. Spent all of your extra energy (after ALL of the commitments that you have... ) focusing on you -- getting you mentally and physically healthy, shoring you up, whatever it takes. Let him take care of YOU.
My mom and her H take up a lot of my time and energy, (this I'm afraid is unavoidable) but I am seriously looking at learning to belly dance. Yes, you heard me right. I've always been interest in different types of dance, but up till now, I have not explored this one. It could be a healty outlet I suppose. No one teaches it around here, but I am looking at instructional video's/DVD's.
Quote: well...michele talks about being able to DB while the op is still around....is it possible for you h. to switch jobs? (can't remember if he owns the business...) Why can't he fire her????
I wish! He is the supervisor of his department. It would be finacially disastrous for him to look for another lab to work for at this time, especially now that they have given him a raise. I don't think he would do it anyway.
As for firing her, he would have to have good cause, other than the fact that he is having an affair with her and it is causing trouble at home and sometimes creates stress in his department whenever they have a spat. He would be seen as the culpable one since he was the guy who hired her in the first place. Tricky situation. And as my counselor pointed out today, he could end up with a sexual harrassment suit if he's not careful. Gads! That's all we need now. Oh what a web we weave......
So for the time being, things look bleak. I will keep posting and try to keep to the DB path as best I can though. I just don't know how long I want to endure this way.
Guess I'm just having a bumpier ride than usual. Who knows, maybe something good will happen before too long. I'm just going to have to white knuckle it for now.
Thanks for your continuing support. It means a lot to me.
Try not to ASSume anything -- not easy, I KNOW! I've been there.
H still appears to want the two of us to go to Costa Rica for a week in early 2004. He has also brought up other ideas that include us both.
