A Ray of Hope - I hope

[sage]

Yes, I'm certain about the cell bill thing. I keep a pretty thorough journal on my laptop on a daily basis.

Not all with agree with me here (and that's AOK) but WHY keep such detailed info right now? Do you need it for work or something OR are you doing it to keep tabs on the sitch? Maybe this is crazy but if it's the latter, I seriously advise you to STOP. Turn a blind eye. Not because you want to be duped or naive or whatever but because it will cloud things and make it much harder to DB -- well, at least in my sitch.

We both know it's an ugly, awful, sad and scary thing to think about our h's with ow...and even worse (??) after there's been some sign of recommitment....part of my stress, though, has been the anticipation, the wondering, the what ifs...I've forced myself to stop looking...WHY? Because it was making things so gosh darned hard. And once I eased up, he eased up, etc.

There are moments where I terrify myself -- what if this has all been some heinous, horrible, effort on h's part to dupe me and I find out that he and ow are STILL in love, STILL lying....and then I remember what I need to tell myself again and again...loving him through a veil of fear isn't going to work. I have to push myself to love him as much as possible without fear knowing that if the worst truly does happen, I will survive.

To do that, though, I had to stop looking...well, and I have to remind myself every day to not be fearful! At the end of my AM meditations I always state 3 intents for the day...one of them is invariably "love without fear".

Anyway - my long version of a short question -- are you torturing yourself???

Anyway, I know you are right about acting "as if". I will keep your post in mind when I feel myself slipping into glumland.

I see that you have had some challenging moments yourself lately (the sad and scary thinking thing). You know, dear friend, that I definately can empathize with you.
All and all though, it looks like you are still moving together in a positive direction and I draw comfort from your continuing success.

I'm grateful for each day.

Sage