Finding DB late in the game #4

[MichelleLT]

I am gld you had good communication with your MIL and is being supportive/understanding.

The plans with your H also sound pretty fantastic.

Have a GREAT weekend!

[cw68]

H and MIL are out for a drink right now. For tomorrow, I booked a tennis court for us. I don't play tennis, H was an instructor and high school coach at one point. Early in our R we'd play here and there, but I never really took to it. I'm in much better shape right now and I want to do something fun with my H, so I thought this is something we could do together.

While half of me feels like we are going to end up apart, I have felt a few more connections with H in the past few days. Little joking here and there, little looks in response to some of his Mom's actions and just "more." Of course, I don't know what this "more" means, but something's changing. It may not be enough, but here's hopeing.

[MichelleLT]

Tennis sounds like a really good idea. I hope you enjoy it.

A little hope is good. Not taking the outcome for granted is also good. But there are some baby steps.

Have a great day!

[cw68]

Well, didn't do tennis. We went to hit some balls at the driving range, but they were already closed. So we just went to have a margarita outside somewhere. In all honesty, I was a little nervous. What would we talk about? Would it just be empty pauses proving to him that we don't have much in common anymore? It was fine. Not non-stop chatting, but we did both loosen up with each other. Par for the course, I was doing more of the talking, but H was definitely opening up more and more and the evening went by. We weren't out that long.

During our conversation though, I got "the look." You know, the pained looked, the "I'm not coming back" look. We didn't really R talk much, just a bit here and there. Talked a little about things we didn't do in the past that we should have, things that we would have to do in the future should we get back together. I prefaced a few things with that, making sure to say casually that I was just being honest and that there was no pressure to make any decisions, "but." One of the things is that my niece is getting married on a cruise next winter and my sis and bro-in-law will pay for me and my H to attend. I was thinking aloud how we would do that "should we still be together" and the like.

I talked about changes that have been going on with me, things I've realized, things I still want to do, to change and the like. He opened up a little on this front, but not much. He was receptive to talk about things we would have to make sure to do if we came together again, so I was a little hopeful. One for instance came out of a sad part of our conversations. He was trying to figure out how to take the kids to go visit his Mom and is thinking about doing this while I'm in NYC in June. It's sad that we are starting to plan separate vacations. But he was talking about how he's just sick of the guilt since we live out here and I mentioned how I think that contributed to some of our problems. Except for Hawaii last year, every other vacation longer than a long weekend has been planned around our families and/or visiting our families back east. We didn't do things just for "our" family and I said that should we get back together we should make sure to do this, which he agreed. A number of things last night kind of showed what we didn't do and, to me, it showed that there is so much more we can still do to make a happy life. It may be too late for him in the end and I know that.

Then I get on the computer and look at the internet history and my hopes get dashed again. He was looking at 2 bdrm apartments for rent in our town. Our lease is up in July and if he wasn't coming back, it would be a 2 bdrm because he'd need room for the kids. I'm trying to not read too much into it. Sometimes I look to see what is available in my price range should we split. Even though I got the guilty look last night, it went pretty well and we even hugged a bit as we were walking back to the car. It was a nice friendly hug, more spontaneous than the hello/good-bye hugs.

Need to focus on the positives. I need more time to turn him around and I'm feeling a little pinched since I can see the end of the lease. Who knows. I think right now 75% of him is gone and I've got 24.5% of him here for the kids and maybe .5% interested in me/us. Not good chances, but I have to try to make the best of them.

grr. I'm so sick of this.

[MichelleLT]

Take a deep breath. Don't worry about the odds. Focus on the positives and never fear to hope.

You are making strides. I can see it in your posts.

[cw68]

I agree that we are making strides and I think that back in January 95% of him was gone and 5% was for the kids and I was nowhere in that equation.

I am definitely getting to be more natural with the DBing and fitting it to me/my situation. Last night was a big deal, it was the first time the two of us went out alone socially since December. Not only that, it was his idea AND he followed up on it. He apparently didn't just say it to pacify me, which is a very good thing and a nice change for him. Being me, I had to see if he wanted to do it again. But DBing, I did so in a non-aggressive manner and showed him that I was thinking about him and letting him decide the course. His b-day is next week. I asked him if he wanted to do something together or as a family. He replied, "as a family" tacking on that he'll be out of town and would like to spend time with the kids. All good for me.

Now I just have to figure out something cool to do. One of our topics last night was how neither of us put too much into celebrations. Not that everything has to be a big party, but that we were both very lax with it. He said he was going to do something cool for me for Mother's Day and I said I would for his birthday.

I'm thinking of planning a whole day of things to do. H is an active guy and likes to run around. Given his stress level recently, I might focus it on that. Thinking of starting with a morning yoga class, then sending him off for a massage, then something, ending with the dinner that he requested I make.

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like he's gonna have a nice birthday. I'm sure he'll appreciate having a day-long ego boost.

[Sara]

Sounds nice. This is the ticket, as you know what nice begets.... I think if you take the time to think about what he would like, and you make the day special for him, he will notice. And he will feel good about it. I hope he will reciprocate for Mother's Day. Why is it that we forget to make the other person feel special when we are married? Keep going. You are doing great. You never know what is going on in another person's mind. Don't jump to conclusions, especially depressing ones.

[cw68]

OK, I've planned the day, it's next Sunday so I had to get working on it.

The idea is stress relief. He's been saying that he'll go to a yoga class with me, so I'm planning on starting the day with yoga, then I have a massage lined up for him, then I thought we'd go to the driving range and putt-putt golf with the kids (or something else if I get a good brainstorm between now and then), then come back here for an early dinner and to top it off, I've invited a few of his friends over for surprise cake and cocktails. Very specifically invited HIS friends, not OUR friends, but rather the friends he's made since we moved to our new house.

[MichelleLT]

That sounds very nice!

I want a massage! *pouts* Lol.