Finding DB late in the game #4

[cw68]

Well, didn't do tennis. We went to hit some balls at the driving range, but they were already closed. So we just went to have a margarita outside somewhere. In all honesty, I was a little nervous. What would we talk about? Would it just be empty pauses proving to him that we don't have much in common anymore? It was fine. Not non-stop chatting, but we did both loosen up with each other. Par for the course, I was doing more of the talking, but H was definitely opening up more and more and the evening went by. We weren't out that long.

During our conversation though, I got "the look." You know, the pained looked, the "I'm not coming back" look. We didn't really R talk much, just a bit here and there. Talked a little about things we didn't do in the past that we should have, things that we would have to do in the future should we get back together. I prefaced a few things with that, making sure to say casually that I was just being honest and that there was no pressure to make any decisions, "but." One of the things is that my niece is getting married on a cruise next winter and my sis and bro-in-law will pay for me and my H to attend. I was thinking aloud how we would do that "should we still be together" and the like.

I talked about changes that have been going on with me, things I've realized, things I still want to do, to change and the like. He opened up a little on this front, but not much. He was receptive to talk about things we would have to make sure to do if we came together again, so I was a little hopeful. One for instance came out of a sad part of our conversations. He was trying to figure out how to take the kids to go visit his Mom and is thinking about doing this while I'm in NYC in June. It's sad that we are starting to plan separate vacations. But he was talking about how he's just sick of the guilt since we live out here and I mentioned how I think that contributed to some of our problems. Except for Hawaii last year, every other vacation longer than a long weekend has been planned around our families and/or visiting our families back east. We didn't do things just for "our" family and I said that should we get back together we should make sure to do this, which he agreed. A number of things last night kind of showed what we didn't do and, to me, it showed that there is so much more we can still do to make a happy life. It may be too late for him in the end and I know that.

Then I get on the computer and look at the internet history and my hopes get dashed again. He was looking at 2 bdrm apartments for rent in our town. Our lease is up in July and if he wasn't coming back, it would be a 2 bdrm because he'd need room for the kids. I'm trying to not read too much into it. Sometimes I look to see what is available in my price range should we split. Even though I got the guilty look last night, it went pretty well and we even hugged a bit as we were walking back to the car. It was a nice friendly hug, more spontaneous than the hello/good-bye hugs.

Need to focus on the positives. I need more time to turn him around and I'm feeling a little pinched since I can see the end of the lease. Who knows. I think right now 75% of him is gone and I've got 24.5% of him here for the kids and maybe .5% interested in me/us. Not good chances, but I have to try to make the best of them.

grr. I'm so sick of this.