Okay, baby's good now. A nap did wonders for both of us. :-)
I just checked and my H is still online on Myspace. Not surprised. He's been on there all hours of the day and night lately when he's not in class. Unrestrained Myspace usage is what started this round of separation. But I keep remembering what someone here said. The other women are not the problem, they are a symptom.
I've been calling him or contacting him less and less(unless it's to tell him something for the kids). He called last night to talk to the kids and get an 'update' on what's been going on here. I think he was surprised that I didn't contact him all weekend. Interesting that he calls on my cell phone instead of the house phone. I usually hand the phone to one of them to answer but then when he talks to me, I can hear that his feelings are hurt & he wants to know why I do that. I just say that I know he's calling to keep in touch with them & he says that he wants to talk to me, too. I try to keep an upbeat, friendly, business-like tone (how I would interact with a client I've known awhile). I don't always do that but I'm learning to keep the "pissy-ness" to a bare minimum. lol Every once in awhile (which I just realized is about once a month. lol), I'll call him when I'm going to bed or waking up and tell him that I loved waking up to him or curling up in bed with him and how I'd feel safe with his strong arms around me when I had nightmares. He sounds sentimental & says he liked that, too. I don't stay on the phone long (even though I really want to) and he usually sends me a text shortly after that says something like, "I still love you" or "you are a beautiful woman, always to me" or like last night's text where he wrote, "you will always be what I measure sexy against", etc. Sometimes I just stare at the phone and say, "WTF?" because I'm baffled.
There's no doubt in my mind that he loves me and that he has a lot of passion for me. It's just....well, I don't know exactly what "it's just". I do know that I'm tired of the online affairs. I'm tired of the ugliness it brings out in me. I can get pretty mouthy and can have quite the temper when I'm crossed or when anything happens to put this family's well being at risk. I've acted in ways towards him that I am not proud of. But then the focus will be on my actions/reactions and not anything he did to provoke it. Right before he moved out in November, he had met a girl on myspace that he hooked up with in person. Turns out she lives in my neighborhood. That was very hard for me to deal with and I didn't act too pretty when I was dealing with it.
He's supposed to come up this weekend to celebrate our son's first birthday. I'm a little nervous but actually feel more confident in myself than I had in past encounters. I've been praying that he would get all this out of his system before he graduates (end of July) because at that point, he moves to his new duty station and the kids and I find somewhere else to live near my son's high school (he only has 2 yrs left & I don't want to disrupt a good thing there) instead of moving up north where our family is.
I really don't want to move. If we got back together, he could put in for a family waiver because our son is in his last 2 yrs of school and they would postpone his report date. Our family has gone through soooo many changes in the past couple of years that I'm really ready to just settle. I have "house issues", too. I moved around a lot when I was a kid and not always with my whole family. I don't mind moving with the Army as a WHOLE family but we just got settled here and the next move will be the one where we split the family. I hate that thought. Plus, I know I could never even remotely afford something as nice as where we live now. In fact, I will probably have to go to a 2-3 bedroom apt in low-income housing because I can't afford much more. I'm trying not to worry but just when I'm feeling comfortable here and enjoying where we live, I get that thought. Makes me feel insecure, all this disruption. I'd like to know what I can actually depend on and rely on. Feels like shifting sand under my feet constantly and I'm trying to be the stability for my kids.
I know that all sounds bad, like I just want to get back together to keep living in the same place. At this point, though, I dare not hope for him to cherish or honor me or really be "into me". The best I can hope for is stability for my children. It's not about me and what I want for me. I'm past my "expiration" date. ha ha I don't want to start over with someone else. It's better to just try to repair what already is established. But it takes two to do that and so far only one of us thinks that divorce will hurt the kids.
