Mixed Signals - version ? who's counting

[catfan]

A bit more journaling, Vegas has been interesting and I was really looking forward to making my first trip to it. Why I didn't see an emotional aspect to the trip is beyond me but I've at time struggled a little while here. Why has there been a bit of struggle? Simple, I'm in a really cool and exciting place without anyone to share it with. All around me are happy couples, holding hands, smiling, laughing, dining together, cuddling up, kissing and what not. Then you've got business travelers chatting on their phones with wives, girlfriends, husbands and boyfriends. I seem to be the only person eating alone.

In years past my wife and I would have been chatting on the phone or emailing each other from our blackberries. We'd be sharing what seemed like every detail with one another. Now the berry is silent, save for a couple of friends that have sent a text or two.

So Vegas has been visually exciting, yet anti-climatic for me, the thrill of sharing the excitement isn't there. The sights, sounds have all be great entertainment yet hollow for me. Watching the fountain display at the Bellagio seemed to sum it up for me. A beautiful show with lots of people around cheering, clapping and talking to one another about it. Yet the show seemed to amplify the fact I was watching it by myself and didn't have anyone to share it with, to laugh and cheer with, to feel that excitement with.

I will remember my first trip to Vegas with fondness because I have enjoyed experiencing it. But there will be that tinge of sadness too.

Good news though, I got upgraded on my flight home! This is very welcome news since I'm taking the red eye back tonight with all the drunks. (Uh, that won't be me.)

[cat03]

I hear you catfan, it's the same feeling (thank God it is dimishing) I'd get every morning when it was a beautiful sunny blue day and I had this happiness in my heart for a heartbeat about "wow! it can be a fun day"...then I realized I'd have the day without H. The sad feeling is fading, God has helped me to think of each beautiful morning as MINE and the kids, that I will have a gorgeous day for ME to enjoy.

You are prob coming back with my coworkers, they went to Vegas for a NAB convention. I went to VEgas with H, I loved it, I hope I can go again, it is a neat place, next time you go you'll have a blast, I promise.

[catfan]

Well I usually get this way a little when I spend too much time by myself. I'm a pretty social guy and really feed off having a lot of interaction with others, especially friends and family. My wife used to say that to recharge I needed to be around others while for her to recharge she needed to be alone. It's the classic extrovert and introvert personalities. While our separation is probably helping her slowly but surely for me it at times is like a slow death. That's why I am constantly doing things with friends or talking with them, it helps me keep my sanity.

As for Vegas, don't get me wrong I am enjoying it, it's just that I would enjoy it even more if I had someone close to share it with even if they were at home.

Now a bit more journaling, I just approved emails in D10s outbox that she sent to a friend back in the UK. It was her best friend and neighbor, a boy that lived a few doors up from us and was in her class. Her email said, "Hi X, I miss you a lot. I am friends again with some of my old friends finally. I can't believe I am 10 now!"

So now I think I know why the last few nights when I've talked with her she's been down, she misses her friends and best friend in England. She eluded to this the other day and I didn't pick up on it. I think she's also down about Mom and Dad too, she's asked me a good number of times lately when I'm going to move home or flat out asks me to move home.

[catfan]

Afternoon journaling: My wife is in the UK this week, she left Saturday while I was visiting my brother. Her mother came down to be with the girls until I returned yesterday afternoon.

When I went to pick up the girls I was greeted by D10 screaming excitement. Wow what a hug I got from her. If there is anything to look forward to in the separation it's the greetings the girls give! MIL was happy to see me but we couldn't chat much since the girls were so excited. MIL also needed to hit the road for her 2.5 hour drive. She gave me a hug when she left and told me she was glad she got to see me. I know it's never seemed like she ever warmed up to me in the 23 years but the last few times we've seen each other her guard has been down a little and she's shown a little of her real tender side. She's so guarded with her feelings but when she shows this little bit it's clear she has a big heart, she just struggles to show it at times. I think I should start making a point to maintain better contact with her no matter what.

I didn't mention this in my previous posts but when I was flying to Vegas, during my layover in Dallas, I called my wife's aunt and uncle in TX. This is her father's sister. I've always been very close with them and their oldest son and I are like two peas in a pod. We became fast friends the first time we met. Sadly, he's divorced now too, his wife left him because of a lot of the same reasons mine walked away. However I can say no one in the family really liked her, she wasn't a pleasant person to be around. She has a lot of personal issues that she blamed on others, mainly her husband.

Well TX aunt and uncle were excited to hear from me because we haven't spoken in over a year and a half. Over the last 23 years I've primarily maintained the contact with them. BTW, this is my wife's favorite aunt too. This aunt gave my wife the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" back in Oct and she really hopes we can work it out. Oh and a funny thing, years ago when another of my wife's cousins was getting divorced her aunt said "if you two ever get divorce, Catfan is still invited to the family reunions!" She mentioned that on the phone the other day. LOL! Man I love these people!!

Well onto interaction with my wife. She called last night to talk with the girls. Once done of course D11 asks if she wants to talk to me, yes she replies. So I get on the phone and she proceeds to ask me all about my trip, my visit with my brother, etc. Then proceeds to give me a full and detailed overview of her conversations with D11 and D10. It's not like I couldn't hear them. It's strange but when she travels is seems she really wants to talk and share experiences with me. But when she's home or if I'm traveling she really isn't interested in a lot of chat. Is this the "missing you" factor at play? I wonder since when we are both in town we end up speaking almost daily because we each call the girls.

Also I'm wondering about the idea of LRT and limiting such communication. Given she uses silence when she's angry I've shied away from going dark in that manner. She has said we need to be friends again, well friends talk and share with one another. So I am thinking maintaining this type of communication is a good idea. It goes along with what AmyC and I have talked about in one of her thread and I've mentioned in mine for a while now, Just Show Love. This way my wife can never associate any words or actions I make/say as rooted in anger. It seems this is a good idea since she took issue with anger management and me.

[catfan]

Wondering if anyone else out there has attended a wedding since they've been separated and how well they handled it? I'd love to hear from you.

The girls and I went to a wedding this weekend. It was a good friend of mine who worked with me and my wife at my old company. My friend was on a team with me and three others, that started a new product. She and I became fast friends from day one. Looking back is surprising because we would talk often about our marriages. We both were clearly very much in love with our spouses, we were about the same age and had been married about the same length of time. We even had been blind dates! If there was one thing we both were proud of was how we'd been married so long and had what we both thought were very good marriages. Boy I guess we were both wrong! Her husband cheated on her badly, not to mention he became insanely jealous too.

Well at the wedding during a toast she calls out and says "See Catfan, we can be happy again and you will too!!" Bless her heart she is so sweet! I can't say enough about how excited I am for her because she was absolutely devastated with the breakup and divorce. This was the first wedding either of my girls had been to and they had a great time. Most of all they really felt the happiness between two people and saw the love they held for one another. Even more important they saw how my friend's new husband had the same love for my friend's 8 year old daughter. Then to hear him give a vow to the daughter saying, I will love you as I love your mother and so I not only marry your mother but marry you as well. Yes it made me tear up a good bit, he really meant every word he said. So I hope if my wife and I do end up divorced that we both find someone that can love our daughters in that way.

So all in all it was a great weekend, a beautiful and fun beach wedding. I was extremely excited for my friend and felt the beauty right down to my bones. For the most part I had that excitement running through me but I will admit to at times I felt alone. Why, well I was one of the very, very few singles there and the only single man. For the most part everyone else was there with a significant other of some sort and I was there with my two daughters. So it wasn't hard to feel at least a tinge of loneliness because sometimes I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. The fact that I knew very few people there didn't help much either. Even harder was the fact that the few people I did know there didn't know of our separation. So I would have to explain that, fun. Still I had a great time and felt pretty darn good most all of the time.

[cat03]

hey there, glad you and the girls had a good time))))0

I remember when H and I were dating and, you know, well, afterwards,if we made out at a parking lot and I had to use the restroom at the store nearby, I was SURE they all know what had I just been doing, lol, I looked SO guilty.
My point is, just because you felt like you stuck out I dont' think you did, it just felt that way because you usually go with W. If you are alone, make the most of it, it is obviously normal to glance at the happy couples around us, but it is what we make it to be, act happy and normal and that's how others will treat you.

Have a great week cf)))

[catfan]

FYI, one thing I do for people I know and myself is send out a daily email where I try to impart some wisdom, inspiration, motivation, etc. Here's today's email. And yes I do this as much for myself as all those on my distribution list. Some times you have to work a bit to find these things and that makes all the difference in the world at times for me.




Good morning everyone!

Just a short message this morning that i hope will inspire everyone I know and beyond. Some of you may have heard of Professor Randy Pausch and The Last Lecture. I would like to encourage each and every one of you to take an hour of time and watch Randy's "last lecture", http://www.cmu.edu/uls/journeys/randy-pausch/index.html. You may want to even pick up his book too, http://www.thelastlecture.com . But no matter what, please do spend a bit of time to hear what he has to say and apply it to your life. Decide Tigger or Eeyore.

Have a Marvelous Monday and a Wonderful Week!

-Catfan


"Make a decision: Tigger or Eeyore...I mean, I don't know how not to have fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there is no other way to play it."
- Randy Pausch

The Tigger Song
The most wonderful thing about Tiggers,
is Tiggers are wonderful things.
Their tops are made out of rubber,
their bottoms are made out of springs.
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is,
I'm the only one.
Oh, III'm the only one!
Oh, the wonderful thing about Tiggers is,
Tiggers are wonderful chaps.
They're loaded with vim and vigor.
They love to leap in your lap.
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is ...
III'm the only one!

[catfan]

Well it's somewhat of a red letter day I guess. My wife wired the buyout money to me for my half of the equity in our home. It seems like I should feel good about getting that money because it gives me the ability to buy my own place. But right now I feel like #$%^ in a big way. It's no longer my "home", it's further severing of the ties between us, it's her moving on and continuing to tear our family apart. It's one more step by the woman I love as she move and walks further away.

Sure I can pay cash for a pretty decent house now but so the h-ll what. A house isn't what's important!

[cat03]

hey CF, I hear you, but if, and if God means for you two to be together that won't be a factor. But for now dont' torture yourself and try to plan to have a home where you can have your kids over and continue to have a family, all 3 of you.


I'm on the giving end, will pay off stbx for his share next week, I also felt bad since this would make it more official (we are not even d) but it has to be done, he can't wait to get his $.

[catfan]

Thanks Cat. Tonight I went to see Van Halen, my favorite rock band of all time. I had an extra ticket, 9th row thank you. Well my good friend couldn't make it and I couldn't find anyone to go with me. I even invited my wife but she's not a hard rock fan. We traded text messages during the show. I think she enjoyed knowing I was having the time of my life.

Funny I ran into several folks from a local divorce/separation group that I'm in. Well if I wanted to score with some of the women in that group I had the opportunity. Can you say pass? So I spent nearly $300 to see my favorite rock band of all time by myself and for me it was money well spent!!