Last night, went to MC. Even though C tried to bring the discussion back around to where H and I are at in our R, H went nervously on and on about his father (?). I said, that's ok because I'm feeling pretty stressed and have a headache so not a great time for me to talk about anything important.
We go to coffee afterward and went outside to sit. I waited to see if H was going to bring up the issue about answering lots of questions I still had about his infidelity.
He didn't. We sat in tense silence for a long time--that's pretty unusual for us.
Then he tells me about his session with therapist and some of her input:
1. He is very insecure and seems to need a great deal of assurance.
2. He and I are both "too smart for our own good", and tend to overanalyze ourselves and each other.
3. We get into power struggles and H doesn't compromise.
4. H sabotages himself by talking himself out of being happy when he's happy.
5. H has low self esteem and so no matter what I say or do, he doesn't feel worthy of being loved.
H was more distant than usual all evening. He seemed to be backtracking about several things I thought we had already made decisions on. He said a few things like, "IF we get back together, YOU want us to be married".
Then out of the blue, he said that his lease was over at the end of October (I thought it was at the end of July!!!!) and that he thought maybe he would like to move in then.
I probably blew it at this point, big time. All I could think to say was that October was too long and I was stressed to the breaking point.
I said he kept saying that we were "making progress", everytime the issue came up of him coming home. I don't know what HE determines to be progress and what HE determines to be enough progress to feel comfortable. I said I felt like I was playing some game where he made up all the rules, but I didn't get to know what they were!
He said he didn't know what he was waiting for--some kind of feeling that he was suposed to get--based on some way that I was supposed to make him feel--but he couldn't tell me what that feeling was or how I was supposed to make him feel that feeling. HUUUHHH????
He also said that I need to somehow convince him that I didn't just want him back because I was being "co-dependent" and convince him why I would want him back--take a chance on him again--out of all the other men I could be with in this world.
I think he's doing that stuff that his therapist said about him having such low self-esteem that no matter what I say or do, I can't convince him that he is loved or worthy of being loved. Everything I say to convince him otherwise, he rejects and kicks away.
As you know, I'm already stessed out of my mind, and this news that it is now October instead of August, and it seems like H is playing mind games that are rigged so that I don't have a chance....
I broke down. I haven't done that in front of him all this time--except for crying once on the phone--but I just lost it. I don't cry easily, and I truly hate to cry in front of anyone, but I cried like my heart was breaking--because it feels like my heart is breaking.
H said he knows his behaviour is adding to all the hurt and anger he caused before and during his infidelity. He said he can see how it is affecting me, and it hurts to see me falling apart because I've always been so strong. He said he still has to get his "need for solitude" out of his system. He said he'd expected a much different reaction when he said "October", and was expecting me to be happy bacause a few months ago he thought he'd never come home. Said he was waiting for a sense of "serenity" and that he couldn't come home before he felt that and maybe it would never happen so he could never come home.
I told him I was happy that he wanted to come home, but that I missed him very much and wished it was much sooner, but that he sould to do whatever it was he had to do.
He said he had to go think. I usually get a call every morning and every night, but I haven't heard from him and I think it may be awhile.
I get so many mixed messages and he seems so confused it has my head spinning. Guess that answers my own question about whether or not he's out of the MLC stage.
I don't understand why I'm not snapping out of depression by now. It seems to be getting worse instead of better and the anxiety is terrible. I feel like I'm losing control of myself, can't concentrate, forget things alot. I made an appointment to go get on antidepressants and ask for Xanax or something. I don't think this is something I can talk myself out of with lots of positive PMA, I think I'm slipping down the slope into serious clinical depression.
Maybe I could get a frontal lobotomy so at least I will have some serenity!
