Last night, went to MC. Even though C tried to bring the discussion back around to where H and I are at in our R, H went nervously on and on about his father (?). I said, that's ok because I'm feeling pretty stressed and have a headache so not a great time for me to talk about anything important.
We go to coffee afterward and went outside to sit. I waited to see if H was going to bring up the issue about answering lots of questions I still had about his infidelity.
He didn't. We sat in tense silence for a long time--that's pretty unusual for us.
Then he tells me about his session with therapist and some of her input:
1. He is very insecure and seems to need a great deal of assurance.
2. He and I are both "too smart for our own good", and tend to overanalyze ourselves and each other.
3. We get into power struggles and H doesn't compromise.
4. H sabotages himself by talking himself out of being happy when he's happy.
5. H has low self esteem and so no matter what I say or do, he doesn't feel worthy of being loved.
H was more distant than usual all evening. He seemed to be backtracking about several things I thought we had already made decisions on. He said a few things like, "IF we get back together, YOU want us to be married".
Then out of the blue, he said that his lease was over at the end of October (I thought it was at the end of July!!!!) and that he thought maybe he would like to move in then.
I probably blew it at this point, big time. All I could think to say was that October was too long and I was stressed to the breaking point.
I said he kept saying that we were "making progress", everytime the issue came up of him coming home. I don't know what HE determines to be progress and what HE determines to be enough progress to feel comfortable. I said I felt like I was playing some game where he made up all the rules, but I didn't get to know what they were!
He said he didn't know what he was waiting for--some kind of feeling that he was suposed to get--based on some way that I was supposed to make him feel--but he couldn't tell me what that feeling was or how I was supposed to make him feel that feeling. HUUUHHH????
He also said that I need to somehow convince him that I didn't just want him back because I was being "co-dependent" and convince him why I would want him back--take a chance on him again--out of all the other men I could be with in this world.
I think he's doing that stuff that his therapist said about him having such low self-esteem that no matter what I say or do, I can't convince him that he is loved or worthy of being loved. Everything I say to convince him otherwise, he rejects and kicks away.
As you know, I'm already stessed out of my mind, and this news that it is now October instead of August, and it seems like H is playing mind games that are rigged so that I don't have a chance....
I broke down. I haven't done that in front of him all this time--except for crying once on the phone--but I just lost it. I don't cry easily, and I truly hate to cry in front of anyone, but I cried like my heart was breaking--because it feels like my heart is breaking.
H said he knows his behaviour is adding to all the hurt and anger he caused before and during his infidelity. He said he can see how it is affecting me, and it hurts to see me falling apart because I've always been so strong. He said he still has to get his "need for solitude" out of his system. He said he'd expected a much different reaction when he said "October", and was expecting me to be happy bacause a few months ago he thought he'd never come home. Said he was waiting for a sense of "serenity" and that he couldn't come home before he felt that and maybe it would never happen so he could never come home.
I told him I was happy that he wanted to come home, but that I missed him very much and wished it was much sooner, but that he sould to do whatever it was he had to do.
He said he had to go think. I usually get a call every morning and every night, but I haven't heard from him and I think it may be awhile.
I get so many mixed messages and he seems so confused it has my head spinning. Guess that answers my own question about whether or not he's out of the MLC stage.
I don't understand why I'm not snapping out of depression by now. It seems to be getting worse instead of better and the anxiety is terrible. I feel like I'm losing control of myself, can't concentrate, forget things alot. I made an appointment to go get on antidepressants and ask for Xanax or something. I don't think this is something I can talk myself out of with lots of positive PMA, I think I'm slipping down the slope into serious clinical depression.
Maybe I could get a frontal lobotomy so at least I will have some serenity!
Well, I think it's time to start a new thread, and a frame of mind.
After getting some lectures from both my C and my Dr. about considering "moving on with my life"--as H's midlife transition stage could very well outlast my sanity, I did get on meds, as I convinced them both that I am not quite ready to give up on H yet.
I an going to try some new things from here on out. First thing is to take care of myself. I have to remember to be gentle and patient with myself because I have had to deal with quite a lot, going back over the last 2 years or so of H starting to weird out and take things out on me. Meds are the first care package to myself--hopefully that will help me with depression and anxiety so I can get a grip on my emotions and sleep an eat normally again.
I am going to reconnect with friends (stop isolating), and start doing some fun things for myself that I have stopped doing since bomb dropped.
I am going to not be quite so available for H's phone calls, and begin detaching a quite a bit. For all I know, he will talk forever and a day about resolving problems, but never get down to doing what we talk about doing. For all I know, he may wait for hell to freeze over before coming home. I just have no control over what he will do, but I do know that allowing someone who is so confused to control me and my life is not wise.
I am going to work on trying to have a positive attitude about both my sitch and my H. I'm going to start a new thread for myself and also one for everyone to post things they like about their H/W. I like what Sage is doing with pulling out her fears and assumptions and really looking at them under a strong light, so I think I'm going to start out my new thread on that kind of tone. I want to approach my sitch with a beginner's mind and I think that will help.
What meds are you on? I have tried two so far, but they seem to make me more anxious and I can't sleep at night but want to spend all day in bed. Kind of like being really tired, but having had too much coffee and can't sleep. I am not willing to have days like this, even just one or two, I feel I am sliding down the slope when I do.
I do feel like I am getting worse instead of better in the depression department. I feel like I am traveling further into a tunnel, not out of it.
Anyway, am interested in what you are on and how it is doing for you.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I've been taking Lexapro for the past several months, and I really like it. It allows me to feel fully, sad, happy, depressed, exhuberant, and deal with those emotions appropriately. What it does for me is serious help with impulse control, keeps the mind numbing pain/hopelessness at bay so I can function and make positive changes, it keeps much of the self destructive crazy thoughts at bay and lets me realize that they are irrational and illogical and bad choices as opposed to thinking they are rational and logical. I was on Zoloft before, which worked well for immediate relief of suicidal junk, constant crying and immobility, but did too good a job of suppressing the great stuff as well, happy feelings and creativity, plus suppressing sex drive. So onec I was stabalized I needed to change meds, since the side effects of the zoloft started feeding the depression it was helping.
The first time I take them (lexapro was the last one) I feel wired and unable to sleep. Maybe this is psychological, I don't know. I feel anxious. I don't have any irrational thoughts, when I'm down, I know I am down and need to do something to pick myself up. I know I need to eat, etc. So, I wonder if I should really try to be on them or not. I really don't like the initial get used to, and don't want to forfeit days.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I just have no control over what he will do, but I do know that allowing someone who is so confused to control me and my life is not wise.
I like your thinking! I believe I need to get this through my head to stop a part of my emotional roller coaster!
Hope you had a great weekend and things are looking up.
BTW My H is now going back and reading threads beginnings rather than just seeing where they are months after they have been working on things! So thank you to you and Sage for that suggestion!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Yes, this is a process, not an instant fix. I have to keep reminding myself that a lot of people on this forum have been working at peicing much longer than I have, and even though I would like things to improve faster, we have made a lot of progress in a short time. We are only a few months into trying to putting out relationship back together, and the goal is that it will be a stronger relationship than it was before.
Today we talked about how grateful we were to each other for not giving up on each other. It would have been so easy to give up, not face the problems and try to resolve them, not have to really take a close look at the weapons of destruction we have both used to hurt our R. It would have been so EASY to walk away.
I probably would have eventually gotten into another relationship--and repeated much of the same behavior. H probably would have said, "see, love stinks and relationships stink and I was a fool to try it". Maybe he would later convince himself to try again, as maybe he only needed a different kind of partner--only to repeat HIS same behavior.
Who knows what stupid mistakes we could have made, compounding mistake upon mistake. I'm so glad we have kept on trying and learning how to love each other better. We're now looking back at what we nearly lost and it is frightening.
Now it is disarmament time. No more nuclear weapons will be allowed in a relationship that is built on love, friendship and respect. Popguns, pillow fights, and water balloons will be allowed, but no more nukes and no more scorched earth tactics! The Indian Wars have ended.
I have started taking a combination of a low dose of Celexa and a low dose of Wellbutrin (they work on two different neurotransmitter systems). I also have a short-term prescriptions for a small amount of Xanax for those times when I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my own skin.
Glad to see that you are getting some relief. You are sounding so much more positive now a days.
I tried Lexapro, but for me it only made me feel worse. I guess I just have the wrong kind of body chemistry for that stuff.
What I take now is SamE from the health food store. It took about 3 weeks before I noticed some altering of my brain activity. Nice thing about SamE is that it is harmless and it doesn't come with side effects. But as with anything one takes for depression, it can only soften the edges, it can't guard against situational depression.
I also keep Ativan nearby for those nights when I am hanging from the ceiling and can't sleep. Going to need a lot of that now.
