I have work to do, both house and paid, but I'm so frustrated right now, I have to get it out. Thanks very much for your kind words, na and deuxlie, but how can I possibly be piecing when he is in full retreat again?
He hardly looked at me this morning, seemed to be going out of his way to avoid me, didn't talk much. I took my cue from him and didn't talk, didn't hang around, said goodbye to the kids and disappeared, so he wouldn't feel like I was hovering around waiting for a kiss when he left (most mornings, H drives the kids to school). Thinking the coast was clear, I came back up, just as he came back in looking for his coffee. He didn't come anywhere near me, and I went back downstairs. He didn't even say goodbye, either time, just left.
I suppose it's possible that my pulling back is not the right thing to do, but trying to be affectionate doesn't seem to change anything either. Mornings are so hard - he seems so irritated by my just being alive. Neither my H or my S are morning people, and that's probably part of it, but it's so hard, especially since things mostly seem normal during the night.
Yesterday my S had a baseball game; he and my H went ahead early, and my D and I (and the dogs) followed along about an hour later (the park is only a few blocks away). When we got there, I was feeling genuinely affectionate, and thought that, as a 180 and part of my PMA, I would go right up to him and give - him a kiss when we got there. I did that - he was surprised but played along - and the rest of the day was okay - H came home after the game, then went out again for more baseball related stuff (he's quite involved in the organization). Even though it was fake, because I wish he wanted to spent time with me, I cheerfully said goodbye when he left and hello when he came back, and there were a few moments in the evening when things were feeling almost normal.
I went to bed feeling fairly optimistic and then - the usual morning wet blanket. I guess I should just 'expect' that the mornings will be like that. I'm not sure that following his lead is the best course of action - perhaps a more cheerful ignoring of his crabbiness? Take the iniative with a good morning hug and kiss? I guess all I can do is try it for a few days and see if things get better or worse.
I have moments when I'm sure we'll be fine and moments when I'm sure we won't be, that either he will leave or I will tell him to, because this is SO HARD. Then I tell myself that at the very least I've bought my children another day with an intact family and that I can get through one more day. Appropriate determination or just stupidity?
Anyway, I have to stop crying and get on with things. Have a good day, everyone! The sun is shining and perhaps spring is finally here.
