Quick update. Been to one MC session, had some fallout with WW after than, now things are finally (I THINK) taking some bug sized baby steps forward. We have another MC session today. Looking forward to it as well.
It has been a couple of weeks of NC as far as I can tell. I am starting to hear some nice things come out of her mouth about me (GASP!) The other day, she totally had a fit about what a bad person the OM was.
The transparency thing-- I don't think I am getting enough info from her. At least not enough to feel completely safe.
On the DMB front, I am doing great. Weather is nice, spring is in the air, and life seems....well, good.
Gosh DMB, I'm hoping I'm getting towards the point you are at. She's just started responding some, but is still pretty angry. I replied to your post to me, but I'm not getting the transparency thing either. She really thinks that secrecy in a marriage is ok because without it, she's not INDEPENDENT/FREE which to her it seems more important than her family/marriage.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Not much new going on. W said a couple of nice things to me this weekend, and even apologized to me for something minor. THAT is a big deal (to me) becauase she NEVER apologizes!
Had our second MC session. Went good. Talked about forgiveness, that kind of stuff. She has to forgive herself first. She is facing some serious deamons-o-guilt these days.
She still isn't being as proactive in being transparent. I don't think it is becuase she is hiding something, just that she just doesn't get what it means to me. A simple "I have had no contact" sentence would help me get through the tough parts of the day. I need that...
As hurt as you are right now, it's important for you to keep in mind, that in HER mind right now, SHE is the one hurting. I know that's hard, but she is thiking along the lines of "Can't he see how much I'm TRYING here?? First, he takes away my affair, and now he wants to control everything I do, and I"m making SO much effort here, and yet he seems to always want MORE from me... I just don't know if I can do this!!!"
Give grace. Thank her when you notice her efforts, and be specific. "Thank you, it really helps me when you compliment me. I just wanted you to know that I noticed that, and I appreciate it." Or simply just validate "I know this is hard for you. It's hard for me, too."
Just found out there was contact. WW wasn't proactive about telling me. Told me a week after the fact. And only because I was going to find out b/c I just got the phone bill. I was lied to about NC, and finally she fessed up.
She let me know taht she has been trying to work on our marriage for 4 months. HUH?!?! You are still in a relationship with OM! That fog will make people say some stupid things.
So, it appears DMB is moving on. Unless there is a miracle, I suspect I will file within the next 3 days.
Sad sad days.
I will be fine. I am only hurting for my 3 wonderful kiddies. It is them that will be hurting before a lifetime b/c their mother was too weak to even try to give the M a FAIR chance.
Time to drop the rope, and move on down the path, TMB. You've made a yeoman's effort. Divorces take time to finalize, and some couples reconcile later after divorces are final. She may come to her senses when she is served, she may come around the night before your divorce becomes final. She may come to you a year or two AFTER the divorce is final, having grown, and maybe you are each in a different place then.
Or she may never.
You will be fine. I could hear it in your voice last nite.
She is a weak, foolish, stubborn woman, and she needs help. She is drowning, and you were willing to throw her a life raft, encourage her to swim, and even to show her how to do it. But you can't RESCUE her, and at some point, if you cling to her, she will pull you down with her.
We can't tell you what that point is. I always told you you'd know it when you reached it, and this is why I encouraged you ahead of time, in a calm moment, to decide how many "strikes" you were willing to put up with.
DMB, keep us updated. You have fought the good fight. Just when you are seeing the ray of hope. It stinks. If she comes back before you file, what do you think you'll do?
Just curious.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Sorry you're facing this - I know you have had to make a lot of difficult choices and I think you've always handled things with as much grace and understanding as is possible given the situation.
We will have a mandatory status conference in 30 days. But I don't think there is a mandatory waiting period.
I just got the papers. Talk about sobering. I can't believe this. I know it has to be done, and I did everything I could. I just will never understand why she never gave us a chance.
