First, I congratulate you for your decision not to break up your family. You state that in your marriage, “something was missing,” and “feelings were lacking.” You tried counseling but it looks like it didn’t get to the core issues, nor build on your strengths as a couple. Now, you realize that looking elsewhere for the answer was not the solution to your plight. The appropriate guilt and pain that you feel is the result of poor choices you made in the past. You seem to operate on the “pleasure principle,” seeking after what makes you happy at the time, setting aside the possibility of real love with your spouse because you allow other men into your life. You ask how long it takes to get rid of the feelings you have for the other men. I’ll answer w/an illustration: A Hindu grandpa told his grandson about 2 dogs who each sat on one of his shoulders: The good dog gave him good advice, and the bad dog gave him poor advice. Curious, the boy asked, “Grandpa, which dog wins? Grandpa answered, “The one I feed.” By constantly thinking about the OM, you are feeding the wrong dog. I hear your longing for your H’s reassurance and of his wanting and needing you. Most likely, your love languages are different. Learn to speak each other’s love language. A good book on the subject is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Give the love you want to receive. And addressing your son, the greatest gift you can give him is the knowledge that his parents love and respect each other. Love is behavior. I wish you well!
