I know that what I'm feeling is probably pretty "been there, done that" to most of you guys who have been doing this much longer than I. I know I do get pretty intense, but I save it all up for this bb and do my best to stay calm and focused when talking to H (you'd never be able to tell from my posts could you?)
I'm just still reeling from that batch of IM crap that jumped out at me. I was feeling so much like I was pushing myself to start hoping and trusting again--then BAM, biffed in the nose! It took me back to how I felt after the bomb. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself, to let it just roll off my back because it was a remnant of the past. You are the expert in the field, do you think we could all have some post-traumatic stress symptoms?
Anywho, H called and even though I'm trying hard to be upbeat, he can tell I'm still bothered by the whole IM thing. (then of course, I felt guilty because I've been raking him over mental coals!). He said I deserve to know whatever I want to know about the whole episode--his infidelity. Said we could talk after MC session tomorrow.
Now, for quite a while I have had a lot of questions. I asked some of it early on, so I know little bits and pieces that fit together. I quit asking about it a while back because when we did talk about our R, it was stuff the MC had us do, and busy resolving things--negotiating things--so I haven't brought up any questions about the infidelity.
Now he seems to be willing to tell me his story. Part of me feels like I just want to get it over with--rip the bandaid off quickly, so to speak. I have read a lot of people's posts on this board who still had a lot of questions about OW/OM that continue to haunt them. DBing suggests NOT bringing up these type of discussions, but also warns the unfaithful ones that their partners may have a great deal of questions.
Now, apparently, I have the opportunity to ask whatever I want to know. I know it's going to hurt like hell. I'm wondering if I should tell H I'd like to wait to have that conversation after he comes home so I won't have to go home to be alone with that information. I know I'm not doing well with H still being gone. The anxiety level is almost overwhelming sometimes--not just the separation, but having to deal with a houseful of teenagers, the the financial mess this "episode" has put us in, trying to keep the utilities from being shut off for non-payment, and still have enough brain left over to work full time.
In Chapter 10 of DR, it talks about how common it is to feel stronger when physically with H or W, but feel like a complete mess when they are not. I can totally relate to that, but I only see H briefly for a few hours a week, and he stays over 2 nights a month. Due to his work schedule, that's all that I see him, and sometimes not even that for the last 5 months.
I have always thought myself to be a very strong person, but this infidelity and H's leaving has brought me to my knees in a way that I have never experienced before, even though I've lived through some very difficult things in the past.
What would you do? I know you know the gory details of your H's infidelity. Would you rather have not known? If you had the choice over whether to have some say over when you knew the details, would you have chosen to wait until after you felt like things had sort of normalized between you and CJ?
Crap, I feel like a real mess right now and I'm even considering going in to Dr. and asking for anti-Ds and maybe even something for anxiety. The stress of this separation..."will he, won't he, if so, when?" while I am left to stuggle with all the real life stuff--it is taking a toll on me. I feel like H had taken a real vacation from responsibilities and reality before he left (far more so now) and maybe I feel like running away from it all too sometimes but I can't!
