You have changed and become a better person. By yourself or with whoever you will be with, you will be more open and communicative and (whatever his blame to you is) to the person you will be with.
I became so very aware of the things I needed to change. I think this is what it really comes down to.. changing those things and becoming a better/happier person moving into the future - whatever that looks like.. [/quote]
Yes, yes!!!! That is all so true--I believe all of us will be happier in the future than we were in the past b/c we are better/happier people and our WAS can decide whether they want to join us or not but either way we will be happier. Karen
I think I'm going to barf.. stbxh was on the phone with D4 and she kept pushing him on where he was staying tonight and finally he answered - "Daddy and [ow's] house". BLECHY!!!!! (as lwb would say). I know it's the truth but he just disgusts me over and over... And, D4 is soooooo confused by this whole ordeal and what the heck ow is supposed to be to her... UGH!!!
I guess that means I don't have to keep the secret any longer and I'm free to tell everyone that he's living with another woman before his D is final. I'm sure people will understand since I was such a horrid wife anyway...
I don't believe you should keep this secret. I told everyone on the planet when my H filed for D. I also told him that he had to explain this to the kids. (Although, looking back, I could have done it.... but I had wanted him to have that task since he was the one filing for the D....). I think the more real you make it now the less drawn out the pain and healing are. Also, it forces everyone to deal with the full reality of the situation immediately. How it affects everyone....
The first one you need to tell is your daughter. She's still young so she doesn't need to know every detail, but you need to explain what's happening and make sure she realizes this is not because of her. Kids have a tendency to think they somehow caused the whole thing.
Everyone will know eventually. There is no reason to prolong any secrets... I think the sooner you deal with it, the better. Prolonging it only prolongs the hurt and puts off the healing.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
IMHO, you and your H, if not already, should tell D4 about the situation in a way she understands, without blaming either party. Now I don't have the script for this, but I am sure there is one somewhere. My friend was very bitter that her H was telling the kids things like "we are getting a divorce, one of you will go to mommy, one to daddy", "mommy wanted a divorce." and other lies which were not true. The kids were affected quite badly (they are older kids) and their behavior showed.
This is just my opinion. I probably would not broadcast the news to everyone. But I would be "if anyone ask, I would tell". There is no need to cover up anymore. Again, in my opinion, i would not badmouth him, just present the fact that a divorce is pending, and H is living somewhere else. I found that women who can stand up and not bixxh about the other partner comes out ahead and get lots more respect. It will be a good test to know who thinks of you fondly and who just think you are the "bad" person. But again, does it matter? You know that you have become a stronger and more caring person already.
I told everyone on the planet when my H filed for D
Sorry, that's an exaggeration. Just family and close friends at an appropriate time. I didn't go out of my way to tell anyone else, but when people asked I didn't hide it. Just facts and, as Our Crisis pointed out, no blaming. That's important. Especially to your daughter.
Something I had once read pointed out that kids subconsciously see themselves as a "product" of both parents, and if one parent is talking about how "bad" another parent is they tend to take this as something bad in themselves. Also, I think it destroys attachment. For example, if you can't trust mom or dad (who previously had been like a superhero) who can you trust? With trust broken early in life many often grow up with trust issues.
You might want to look through some books on this topic if you haven't done so already.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
That is all so true--I believe all of us will be happier in the future than we were in the past b/c we are better/happier people and our WAS can decide whether they want to join us or not but either way we will be happier. 