That's for you two Tal!!!! (and no, I'm not a "twink" )
Oh what a fabulous post!!!!! My H too was in the midst of a depression when he "found" the chatline and the two OW who boosted his sagging ego and told him what HE wanted to hear. Sad, similar story.
I think the way your H is acting and speaking now is VERY positive! I'm so happy for you!
Shiny
P.S. loved the plastic pink beaded fake moccassins!!!
Yeah, you guys, it was pretty cool to actually be able to talk about that stuff and find that H actually responded and responded in a very appropriate way. No looking at his shoes and grunting and shutting down. Umm...who was that masked man?
I'm still in shock that he brought up the issue in the first place!!! In the past, if he had a clue that I was troubled over something to do with him, he would avoid any conversation about it at any cost. Basically, he behaved like a great big chicken-s**t when it came to any conversation about our R, especially if he new I was upset about anything.
Something has changed drastically. I feel now like I can start to ask for reassurance more directly and have a strong likelihood that I will get it if I ask. I also can clearly see that he's sometimes being considerate of my feelings instead of only thinking about himself and his feelings.
Both of these things combined make me feel a lot less anxious.
When he called this morning, I told him that if he was waiting to come home until he felt comfortable 100% of the time that he would be waiting for years as that was unrealistic. I said it was equally unrealistic to wait for me to be 100% free of hurt and anger.
We're going to be, individually and together, works in progress for a long, long time. That's part of the journey, right?
I told him that his staying away was adding to my anxiety and insecurity levels and making it much harder to heal. I asked him to factor that into the equasion unstead of just going by his own comfort level. ******* Could be that I'm pushing, but I think my request is fair.
Hey, I just had a weird thought: with all of the significant changes I'm seeing in H...I think he's DB'ing better than me. I'd better work harder at it!
I told him that his staying away was adding to my anxiety and insecurity levels and making it much harder to heal. I asked him to factor that into the equasion unstead of just going by his own comfort level.
I felt the same way...but I did make the mistake of eventually making a stink about his taking so long to move completely back home...and even when he did move home...he still kept his apartment for a few months after for some reason.
time and patience...time and patience...best to work on his timeline for him moving back in..then you won't question if he "really" wants to be there or not.
at least that is how I would do it if I had it to do over again (which I hope I never do!)
I guess I have been lumping it in with a whole pattern of behaviour where H makes plans, doesn't consult me, gets inflexible about it all when I try to point out that I'm the other half of "we" and would like to have some input on decisions that affect me.
I don't have much patience, I know
I came from a rather difficult background of poverty, alcoholism, racism, poor educational opportunities. Physical and sexual abuse of children, domestic violence, and even suicide were considered so commonplace that people got so weary they could hardly lift an eyebrow over it all
Most of the friends I grew up with didn't make it past our early 20's. Somehow, I not only survived, but got 2 degrees and worked my hiney off to get to the point of some financial security and owning my own house.
I have always gotten out of rotten situations, and made a better life for myself and my kids through determination and sheer force of my will and hard work.
Since that has always been my manner of survival, it's no wonder that H finds me controlling. My MO has been to be overly vigillant and work my butt off to overcome problems.
H lands on the other end of the spectrum with doing things very slowly (the fine art of procrastination). I tend to percieve his way of doing things as very passive agressive.
You're right though, and I need to just let this go and let him do this in his own time. I actually have suggested that he keep the other place for awhile after moving back--kind of a time-out room if either of us need that.
P.S. I'd wondered about your earier years...forgive me but we see some deplorable conditions here in Canada and I feel very badly when my students from distant reserves show up at University and clearly have not had the educational preparation needed. (And oh, the stories of their childhoods...it's a wonder they've made it University at all!...Here of course all Native Canadians are guaranteed a free University Education, is it the same where you are?)
Did you luck into good grade schools, good teachers or just learn yourself how to study, and write so well?
No, we don't have the kind of help with education that is available in Canada.
Yes, conditions can be pretty deplorable on the reservation. The rez has the best of things and the worst of things. If you live away, you may find much better opportunities for jobs and good education (that's how H grew up, middle-class life but too disconnected from his people).
I got the benefit of knowing elders, learning about our culture, languages, the benefit of family helping family and everyone helping everyone (tribally-based thinking). I did experience a lot of the horrendous stuff, but my family really pushed education and I learned to read very early. I think I mentally escaped the sadness and difficulty by reading everything I could lay my hands on. I had gone through every book in our local library by the time I was 10 and so had to start sending away for books from inter-library loan program.
Most Natives, despite all the cards we are dealt, are very naturally intelligent and curious people. Given half a chance, we learn very quickly. I am primarily self-educated, and had only an 8th grade education (and at a pretty poor school at that). Later on, I decided to get a GED and try some college classes. The councelors at the college were amazed that I scored so high on the enterance tests that they wanted me to take an IQ test and I score quite high on that as well (145).
I had to go back in some areas to learn the basics in order to to well in college, but I still don't feel like I missed much from not going to high school.
After getting an education and learning job skills, I went back to work for my people to try to help, in my small way. These days, I see more help and encouragement for our youth to become educated and set their goals high, but there is still a big conflict in trying to do the dominant culture's idea of work/school hours and also trying to meet extended family,community, and spiritual obligations.
Even families that are not stuggling with multiple issues of alchololism, abuse, poverty, depression and a miriad of other dysfunctions have an uphill battle, but I can see many of the ways that H and I have broken many of the destructive patterns that have been part of our respective families for generations. Now, I hope we have the strength and determination to break destructive patterns with each other. Unfortunately, we didn't have such great role models for healthy relationships growing up.
Does anyone ever wonder sometimes if they even want to save their M or if it is worth the work?
I visited with my sister last night for a few hours. She and her H divorced a year ago. She's now in a relationship with a guy she's been friends with for a few years. She and her kids moved in with the guy about 3 months ago.
She described how great it was being with someone who didn't act like a child (as her XH did) and how great it was to have a real partner that shared the workload and the parenting and took care of her in so many ways.
I'm happy for her and for her kids. He really is a great guy. It made me have a little pity party for myself, though. I remember what it was like to be so glad that I'd finally found a MAN, not an overgrown child.
I never thought H would change so much--to become so selfish and self-centered. In the last 2 years before the bomb, I found that I was having to do ALL the work around the house, with the kids, be the one responsible for the finances (while H spent on himself as I struggled with the bills). I never thought I would end up being overworked, overwhelmed and lonley. H was just like a phantom in our lives--slept days, worked nights, barely interacted with us when he was here. I sure as hell never thought he'd cheat on me.
I really thought I knew the man. Now I can't even remember what it's like to feel a little bit taken care of or even that I have a partner in life.
Suposably, we are working on not just rebuilding our R, but negotiating a new one. I've had some indications that H is willing to do better--but so far I'm still carrying all of the load and even if we do reconcile, it will take a long time to dig out of the financial hole H's irresponsibility and this separation has caused.
So, I'm going to have to work on having a beginner's mindset, I can see that. I know that H is motivated and says he had "lost touch" with how much I meant to him. Apparently, that comment serves to say he has now remembered.
As one of our Sons said recently, "I'll believe it when he comes home and I see things have gotten better". Ditto to that, but I have to remember to believe that change is possible. Quite honestly, I'd rather go back to being single than go back to how it was the last couple years, but I have to admit, I've seen some changes already.
Quote: Does anyone ever wonder sometimes if they even want to save their M or if it is worth the work?
certainly...see "the battle within" and obviously if people didn't think that none of us would be in this sit in the first place...something that happens to the lbs eventually is they stop and think...do I really want this? what am I fighting for after all?
it really isn't such a bad place to be...in a way it evens the playing field, but eventually a decision must be made to commit or not.
re how will you know if the mlc is over?
try not putting a label on it...instead simply watch h's behavior and then you'll know.
