Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

Hi everyone-

Puppy! How fortunate am I that you've come to visit me again! Thanks. I know what you're saying about this A and other things being my H's mess. I guess part of my problem is I just want it over. I don't want to hurt any more and I feel like I'll do things....including clean up small messes of his just to get to the point. The A....yep, totally his mess and I have no intention of helping him with that if he ever needs it.

Journaling........
Well, I guess I'll start where I left off......Thursday, 4/24. It was pretty quiet. I let D4 call H at work to say good night. He went out and got home at 3:00 am. He tried to come into our room, but the second he laid on the bed, he passed out. I got up and went to sleep on the couch. Will he ever grow up?

Friday......
Answer to my previous question......doesn't appear that way. Work was good. I sent in a big payment to start getting some things paid down & out of the way. I picked D4 up from work and we just headed home. It was yucky & rainy. H called on his way home to ask me to turn the oven on for him. He came home, ate, fell asleep on the couch.....and then..... Yes, he went out. I was angry about the way he did it. D4 was out with him in the living room. She came in with me and then said she was going back out by her dad. That was 10:00. He was gone. I don't know what got into me, but I called. I asked how he could just walk out the door without a word. I told him that D4 was upset because he'd just left. He gave some crap excuse about how he thought she was coming in with me to go to sleep. I just hung up. Another late night for H....2:35 am. He didn't try to come into the bedroom this time. I just heard him come home.

Saturday/Sunday........
Cold, yucky days again. Didn't do much other than go get my hair cut. I went through some closets, played some games with D4. Really, a very uneventful weekend. H asked me again if I was going to go home with him in May. I don't think I will. I just don't feel right doing it. Why should I? I'm there as a babysitter, not as his wife any more. Plus, it's Mother's Day weekend. I don't want to be in a car on an 8 hr. drive on my day.

I've been increasingly angry the past week or two. I'm thankful for the even closer bond that D4 and I have developed, but I'm angry for the way H has just moved on to basically living a single man's life and left us behind. I stop and wonder how my 17 years with this man has come to this. I'm angry that I could have 3 more months of living this way before our lease is up. I lean more each day toward trying to see if I could end our lease early. I have a very, very difficult time being friendly or nice toward my H. As my C said, the shade has shut for me. I don't want it that way. I don't want him to just walk away and get all he wants, but I don't want a nasty relationship with him either.

One highlight for the morning. I woke D4 up and put some clothes on her bed. She came all sleepy eyed into my room with her clothes in her arms. She asked me to help her get dressed & then I got a HUGE hug and kiss. I'd be lost without her.

Thanks- Sue