My intuition back then told me something was wrong. I also started having dreams where his ancestor (one that H has a connection with and shares his Indian name) was coming to me--showing me. Each night, I was shown a little more. I was even shown what OW looked like and that's how I recognized her when I went to their work. I'm kindof spooky like that, but it's not a too-uncommon thing for people like me to have certain gifts in my culture.
My intuition now telling me that for a long time, H has been in conflict with himself and in conflict over what he wanted. I'm still not sure this conflict has been resolved and he has never acknowledged to this day that he was never really committed to me and to our lives together.
I did talk to him briefly on the phone about this a little bit today. I told him some remnants of his infidelity had come up and bit me on the nose.
**************** I refuse to use the term "affair" when we talk between us. The word implies some romantic thing and places the emphasis on THIER R. What H did was betrayal, infidelity, dishonesty, and cheating and there nothing romantic about that. ***************
Well, I said I was feeling pretty shakey and wanted to know if he was really clear on what he wanted now.
He said, "didn't I tell you that last weekend? Are you asking me if I am really serious about setting the date for a wedding?"
I told I wanted to hear him tell me today. Was that OK? And if I needed to ask every day for a long time, would that be OK?
He laughed, but said that would be ok.
And I said that everyone was entitled to their private thoughts and private time, but I need to know that he was absolutely clear that he wasn't entitled to have big hidden, secretive parts of his life where he could betray me and lie to me about.
Yes, he said, he knew that was not ok and would never be ok.
He wanted to know what had set me off, but I told him I'd talk to him about it tomorrow when we are face to face. We have both agreed, unequivicably, that monogamy is a absolute requirement, for both of us, if we are to reconcile. That's good, but it is an agreement in prinicpal. I want to be very clear that, to me, monogamy includes very clear boundaries with acquaintences of the other gender, it also includes secretive and overly-intimate email/telephone buddies. The worst part to me was not knowing about the physical involvement with XOW, it the way they conived--waiting for me to go asleep, etc. It was that H made concious decision, each step along the way, to betray me and our R.
Basically, what I mean when I say I expect monogamy is that if there is even an inkling that I really wouldn't like it if I knew about it....don't freaking do it in the first place!
