Shiny and Sage--thank you my friends for all of your words. My C has often commented that she thinks that I process things very quickly, but it's very intense while I'm doing that processing. I'm trying to keep that in mind right now as it hurts like hell, but I do know it will pass.
Yes, Shiny, I've read in your current thread about all of the things you found and were sent so I know you know exactly what this feels like. You've also talked about going along in MC after-bomb and thinking you were working on your M--and all the while it was still going on. In your H's case, there was some real blackmail by OW, so that factors in big time.
I feel like in that poem Sage posted--about being a bud and opening to risk again. I'ts so hard to do, but I've been trying so hard to bloom--open up and risk trusting. Now I've got a terrible case of the "what if's" because I have read your story and many other stories here where bomb hit/A ended/working on M/turns out A wasn't ended after all.
Yes, early on, H & I would meet for coffee or drive around--lot's of very painful discussions and I did tell him the depth of the pain and agony his betrayal had caused. I told him that everything important to me had been violated: my R, my home, my family, everything. I told him how it had affected my feelings about myself as a woman, as even just a person who was capable of being loved.
Now these messages jumping out at me--makes me remember the horrible sense of humiliation that I'd been walking around thinking I knew what my life was, but there was this undercurrent of secrecy and betrayal that sucked my whole life up into the undertow in one instant...I know most of you know these feelings and exactly what I'm talking about.
All these body of water metaphores, LOL!
I will have to think about if I will talk to H about this and how.
