Thanks so much for the support you guys. All I know for sure is I'd better hang tight to this board right now until I can start to get my bearings back (I was feeling like I was starting to). Outside of my Individual C (who is out of town for 2 weeks) this is the only place I feel like I can honestly state how I'm feeling.
Right now, I'm feeling a lot like I did right after bomb...like there's a knife in my heart.
I have found myself thinking stuff like:
...H wasn't just going through MLC the last few years with all the on-line and real life excursions into OWland. Could be he's not capable of doing anything other than sneaking, lying and cheating. I notice that he didn't have much trouble struggling with intimacy issues with his overly-imtimate email friends or his way-more-than-overly intimate coworker. Hell, he was so incapable of honesty, he wasn't just lying to me, he was even telling THEM all kinds of lies about himself (yeah, sure he "just got in from a snowboarding trip"--he'd probably break a hip if he ever even tried doing that again!). Maybe this was more than just an MLC.
...if it has been MLC temporary insanity, maybe it ain't over yet and I can't go through all this all over again!
...what was I THINKING wanting to get married anyway?
Down the spiral into complete negativity if I let it happen.
As I'm writing this, H calls during a break from work. I covered pretty well. He says I sound stressed and asks if I had a rough day at work. I tell him yes, I did have a rough day at work.
"I DO LOVE you", he says.
...and all I could think about was how, supposably, he "loved me" while uber-ugly woman waited for me to go to sleep so they could violate my life in every way. And oh, did he tell HER "I DO LOVE you"?
