After a full week of progress, I had a major downer today.

In late January, after confronting H about my intuitions that he was having an A, and him lying about it, I went straight to the computer and looked very closely at evidence of activities that H had been doing. Found hard cold proof that he was lying.

Sunday evening, S24 was messing around on my computer and installed some things. One program he installed was a program that gathers all of the Instant Message/ICQ type programs that you have installed, collects user names and passwords, etc. and puts them all into one program. Today, I wanted to Instant Message someone, so I opened up this mega-program and saw it had collected all of my AOL Instant Messaging info on it. Cool.

Then I saw that some of my sons' MSN Messenger and IRC accounts were collected, but not active (probably need to have a password saved to log in automatically, I figure. OK, I start deleting their messenging programs, because I don't want their wierd little friends somehow trying to message me.

I see one that I don't recognize that is active (password saved?) that has a variation of my H's name. I was a Yahoo message thing that I didn't even know was installed. There's a contact list on it. XOW's name is on the contact list.

That ticked me off, so I started trying to delete the Yahoo Messenger altogether, just as I had done with sons' stuff.
I was NOT HAPPY to see this.

I had a brief moment of wanting to wait until XOW showed to be online and lay into the ho.

But I thought, "no, what would that accomplish...things are going well between H and I so I can afford to let it go and feel (somewhat) secure that it is over between them. I can let it go--as much as I'd like to b**tch slap her (on and off the internet)".

But, when I cliked on the Yahoo thingy to delete it, all of these windows starting popped up all over my screen. Old "offline messages" that she had written to my H (does that mean they were ones he never read?)

Here's a sample:

"I love you, I can't seem to tell you enough".

"Just got out of the shower, thinking of you....;)"

"Are you there? Is she asleep yet?"

"Are you coming over after work in the morning? I'll make it worth the drive


It just went on and on. I would guess there was 20 or so of these lovely little jewels. DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I deleted EVERYTHING, but WHY in the hell did this have to come up in my face? Why now?

I can't cry yet. I feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. I feel a lot like I did when I first found out for sure....shivery cold, sortof numb, in shock.

Yes, they were all pre-bomb messages (I told him to get the hell out after bomb) so logically, there wouldn't be any there from after-bomb, right?

I have read about a lot of other people on these boards struggeling with the "snooping" issue. I definatly went on a snooping expidition after confrontation with H, and thought that I had found all there was to be found. I know H's email and password, but don't snoop it. Even if I felt like I wanted to read his stuff, why bother--he knows I could read it if I wanted to and if he were hiding something like that he wouldn't be so dumb as to keep things there, right?

So all of this time, I've been making a conscious decision--no snooping--trust my instincts and H's behaviour.
This thing with the messenger wasn't something I went out looking for--it was something that jumped up in my face and I wasn't prepared for it!

Now, of course....I'm trying to STOP myself from obsessing about what I read and STOP going into paranoia-land about how they are probably still involved and that's why H hasn't come home and...and...and....