Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

I talked to H about 2 minutes yesterday when he called me to ask about S13's glasses which have gone missing. I had just taken a break from the lawn and I was sweaty and breathing hard. He heard the breathing on the phone and wanted to know if the mower kicked my butt. I just laughed and said, "not yet!" That was it. No further conversation. I even managed to fix the weed wacker on my own yesterday. I'm pretty darned impressed with myself! Also, I had planted flowers around my mailbox about a month ago and they have grown so much and filled out nicely. Yet another thing I've never been able to do in my whole life! I actually planted something and it didn't die in a matter of a week!

I had to send H a text tonight regarding car insurance issue with cancelled policy and a refund that is supposed to be coming but hasn't yet. H has to talk to them because I had removed myself from that policy and got my own so now they won't talk to me about it even though the policy is no longer active! What a pain! I never heard back from him and all these horribly thoughts started to creep up on me about just why he didn't answer me. He practically lives with his phone in his hand so it was strange. Not so strange if he's otherwise occupied which is where the bad thoughts started.

I'm seriously trying to maintain my strength and stop feeling like a victim of my circumstances. I want to view the situation as a challenge to make more of my life. Get out into the world more and find paths to new experiences and new learning. The barrier I keep coming up against to doing any of that is the extreme loneliness I feel nearly every minute of the day. I miss the touch of a strong arm and warm hand on my back in the night. The comfort of having my H by my side. The shared memories and inside jokes. There are so many things I miss and it makes me so sad to know I won't get that back ever again.

How do you guys cope with the loneliness? Does anyone have a good suggestion for getting past it?