Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

I have come to a place of peace and release and thought I should start a new thread to reflect that.

I am at the point of letting go of my H and knowing that he will need to do whatever he needs to do for himself and I must do the same. I can't hold on to the hurt any longer and I should only look back at all the wonderful times we had together and be grateful for them.

I was so stuck in feeling sorry for myself and angry at him for his A and continued unapologetic stance that I lost sight of the blessings in my life. I had actually decided that the last 18 years of my life were one HUGE mistake but if that were the case then I wouldn't have my wonderful son. God doesn't make mistakes, people do, and children are always a gift from God no matter what.

I am often sad and lonely but I can get out of that pretty quickly now through prayer and the support of my close friends and family.

H hasn't mentioned the D since the last time I brought it up with him to ask him if he re-filed. As far as I know he still hasn't. I won't help him divorce me. If that's what he wants, he will have to do the work for it and I won't fight him on it either. I will get what I need from him for our son and that is all. I am letting him go. If he returns to me he will have to have made some significant changes and I don't see that in his near future.


I know that I am changing for the better and that is all that matters to me. I feel like I have some control over the outcome of my future regardless of what happens to my M.

I want to go back to school and change careers. I'm having a hard time figuring out the best way to do that but I'm working on it. Time is a huge obstacle with my son and my sick mother to take care of. I'll find a way to juggle.

I'm not saying I'm done with my M. I'm just done being devastated by the state of things.

[Maya44]

Wow, you sound so great and strong! I'm very proud of you!

[mishka422]

I just received this via email and thought I would share it with everyone here since it is so appropriate for what we are dealing with.


The Carrot, the egg and a cup of coffee


A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

[mishka422]

I really feel like I have accomplished something great! I have made it through more than 24 hours now without crying one time!

I know it sounds like a small thing but this is huge for me! I have felt so sad and depressed and not having this constant feeling of being on the edge of tears is really wonderful.

Yes, it can be done! Yes, I can move forward and be happy with my life without my husband. I now know for certain that I don't want things to go back to the way they were. I know I can never live like that again - not being respected and cherished by the man I loved and gave up my plans for. I am now living for me and my son and that's as it should be.

If my H someday works his way through his MLC and truly regrets what he has done to his family and expresses that then we can talk about our M. That day may never come and I will just have to be ok with that. I know that no matter what happens I will be a stronger more whole person now.

[hopefloats7]

mishka,

I remember my first day of not crying. It was a milestone. Good for you.
I am glad to see that you have the right attitude about your H and his problem. He may come back; he may not. Either way, you are open to it.
You are going to be more than fine. Keep making and following your plans and heart.

[Purr]

Mishka,

Thank you for your posts on this new thread. It is inspiring to me to hear about your strength and resilience. I often feel deep sadness, worry, frustration, so I can relate to much of what you are sharing in this. I appreciate your valiant efforts and strength that comes through clearly in your posts. I hope that I can get to a place one day of living with this perspective. I will continue to follow your thread to keep learning!

Purr

[mishka422]

Purr,

One day at a time. Today has been a little rougher so far but I'm managing. I still haven't cried, so that's a plus. I've been on the verge but haven't done it.

Just got off the phone with H. He wanted to pick up S13 and I asked if he could take him out tonight instead of this afternoon since I'm going out. He wanted to know why he couldn't come get him now. I asked if he really wanted to keep him all day and into the evening and he said he didn't know why not.

I have a VERY bad feeling about this. I'm pretty sure he is going to try to take him to OW's house (aka - his new digs....rathole apartment in the worst part of town). We have no formal arrangements of any kind but he knows how I feel about exposing my son to that slut but I know I have no control over what he does with him. I don't permit him to have him overnight so that's a plus.

I'm going to continue to pray A LOT about getting through today while I'm mowing my lawn. Should be interesting to have H pick up son while he sees me doing something I've only done one other time before in my life.

[Purr]

Hey Mishka,

I can see why this feels upsetting and stressful. Good pairing of mowing and praying!! Interesting to see what the impact on your H. will be of him seeing you mowing!! A 180!

Purr

[mishka422]

I talked to H about 2 minutes yesterday when he called me to ask about S13's glasses which have gone missing. I had just taken a break from the lawn and I was sweaty and breathing hard. He heard the breathing on the phone and wanted to know if the mower kicked my butt. I just laughed and said, "not yet!" That was it. No further conversation. I even managed to fix the weed wacker on my own yesterday. I'm pretty darned impressed with myself! Also, I had planted flowers around my mailbox about a month ago and they have grown so much and filled out nicely. Yet another thing I've never been able to do in my whole life! I actually planted something and it didn't die in a matter of a week!

I had to send H a text tonight regarding car insurance issue with cancelled policy and a refund that is supposed to be coming but hasn't yet. H has to talk to them because I had removed myself from that policy and got my own so now they won't talk to me about it even though the policy is no longer active! What a pain! I never heard back from him and all these horribly thoughts started to creep up on me about just why he didn't answer me. He practically lives with his phone in his hand so it was strange. Not so strange if he's otherwise occupied which is where the bad thoughts started.

I'm seriously trying to maintain my strength and stop feeling like a victim of my circumstances. I want to view the situation as a challenge to make more of my life. Get out into the world more and find paths to new experiences and new learning. The barrier I keep coming up against to doing any of that is the extreme loneliness I feel nearly every minute of the day. I miss the touch of a strong arm and warm hand on my back in the night. The comfort of having my H by my side. The shared memories and inside jokes. There are so many things I miss and it makes me so sad to know I won't get that back ever again.

How do you guys cope with the loneliness? Does anyone have a good suggestion for getting past it?

[mishka422]

anyone have any coping techniques?