Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

I don't know which is worse--this limbo where we are techinically married but not acting at all like H&W, or the thought of H actually moving out around when my D11 goes to sleepaway camp for the first time, followed by a new, more rigorous school in the fall. Any way I look, it's a nightmare.

I am increasingly stressed out by having to pretend things are OK for the sake of the girls and I also feel incredibly lonely having a fake H who won't touch me or do anything alone with me. I am still convinced my real H is in there somewhere and is going to re-surface.

It's so hard for me to imagine feeling the way he feels. I think if I was hurting him as much as he is hurting me, I would give the M a real chance. I cannot imagine ever telling him I don't love him--what a cruel, cruel thing to say to someone! I keep wondering what I did that is so irreversible and unforgiveable. Sure, over 19 years, I've said and done some thoughtless things, but nothing so awful--nothing that justifies him seeing S as the only option here.

And now I know H wants to talk more about S plans. I have no idea what's up with him there--if he has rented an apt or looked at apts or started to look for someone to renovate our third floor. I have become phobic that he's going to bring it up, so the minute our Ds went to sleep, I went and took a bath and now I'm "working." I'm living in this weird state of denial. On the other hand, what should I be doing? I am GALing and all that as much as possible, but i'm not about to facilitate his departure and it seems like that's what he wants--help in making it real.