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Also it helped me to know that although the "freshness" of things with OW helped some, CJ revealed that "things weren't all that great there, either".
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Yeah, I've got a lot of satisfaction in knowing that the fuzzy-haired albino Indian wannabe woman wasn't the cure he thought she might be.

We'd already been through the chat & old high school female classmate email excursions (pretty minor league compared to some sitches I've heard about) before OW. I remember telling him that he was setting himself up to cheat--sooner or later--but he thought I didn't know what I was talking about and he would "never".

I personally don't think the XOW had much to do with sex anyway--otherwise he wouldn't have picked an uber-ugly woman that he didn't particularly like or respect at all.

I think it still comes back to him thinking I didn't care anymore--coupled with low self-esteem compounded with the--um--droopies. His basic reasoning was: "she don't love me no more and why would she, I'm no good for her anyway. We've got some problems, so it must be a bad relationship. I'm no good at relationships anyway. We argue occassionally so we must not be compatible." SIGH!

XOW was just a way to try to tear his heart away to prepare to leave me.

Still--knowing that she got the, well, short end of the stick in several ways always puts a smile on my face .

P.S. I know exactly what you were doing with the "list the positive qualities I have" thing. His IC had him write a whole thing about why I was the only woman he'd ever CHOSEN to have an R with, except for a girl way back Jr. year in high school.

I was going in the direction when I read him back some of the love letters he'd written me when we were just beginning our R. Sometimes you just have to pull your head out of the mud and say, "oh, yeah---THAT's why I chose you in the first place--now I remember!".

Have you read any of Gottman's work? Similar to many of the ways that DB helps you get back to a more positive train of thought about your partner, Gottman's books also give you weekly excersises on concentrating of different areas of appreciating your mate.