I did pretty well avoiding getting pissy this weekend. Lot's of interesting stuff came up too.
Saturday evening we had three sons, plus their girlfriends, over for dinner. H and sons interacted fondly. Mostly, H and I sat in the corner and giggled to each other watching the interactions between sons and their girlfriends.
Saturday night, I brought up all of the things that I've been learning about male midlife crisis/male menopause. I also brought up the (very touchy) subject of Viagra. Told him all I've learned about the causes of the little problem we've been having for the last few years, such as high blood preassure, medication for high blood preassure, depression, anti-depressants, drop in testosterone levels, etc. Told him I had gotten some samples of V and asked if he'd be willing to try them. H tried to change the subject. I said, "hey, we've been ML to each other for nearly a decade now and I think it's weird that you can't talk to me about this. It's not just you and your problem, it's US and OUR problem".
OK, he says he'll try it, but doesn't like the idea of needing a pill. OK (I didn't say) I don't like the idea of you going out to mess around with an OW to see if a change of woman will fix the problem!
Fast forward to Sunday morning. Little blue V pill works great. H now interested in getting a prescription. Lot's of lovey-dovey talk from me which H encouraged and seemed to really like, but not reciprocated.
Spent the day buying camping gear, going out to lunch, going to the movies, running errands. At least 5 times, something came up that got me thinking about XOW but I bit my tounge because I was having a good time and didn't want to ruin it. I notice that he notices nice-looking women and then tries to hide it. Bit my tounge about that too.
Still no reciprocated affectionate talk from H, BUT all day I'm noticing he's very snuggly and looking at me with affection AND (hey, I haven't seen that look for a long while..what the heck is that look????) oh, yeah, I remember that look--that's H looking at me with desire in his eyes. Wow, it's been so long since I've seen that I almost forgot what it looks like! OK, I can deal with him noticing other women as long as I'M the one getting THAT LOOK.
We go home and before he goes back to his little apt., he's making up a list of what we still need to pick up for camping trip. "Did I forget anything"?, he asks me.
No more tounge-biting.
"Yes", says me, "you forgot to marry me 9 years ago".
"...well", says H, "I've been thinking about 4th of July next year. Do you think we could save up enough $ by then? Think about it."
Well, my DBing techniques may be unconventional, but I think that this weekend I 1)got lucky and 2) got a wedding day proposed from the most marraige-skittish man in America.
Quoting talitsa: Well, my DBing techniques may be unconventional, but I think that this weekend I 1)got lucky and 2) got a wedding day proposed from the most marraige-skittish man in America.
Need I say more?
Congratulations!!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Yeah, sorry about the parts, but hey, that's part of the big picture! I can't be the only one with an MLCer having that particular....um....challenge, right?
I don't think I'll be heading off into the sunset anytime soon as I think this piecing business will be a long-term process. Guess you guys are stuck with me hanging out here for awhile--I know I'll need it.
Pretty a$$-backward, planning a wedding while separated and DBing. Saving money for a wedding in between mortgage payments and S16's car insurance, etc. Seems a little goofy.
Don't apologize for the "sexual" parts of your post, it most definately is an important component of any marital relationship. Gads, you should see what I've disclosed on some of my previous threads!
Yes, I think that it's important to work toward a positive approach to our Ses, but so is being honest about how we feel and what we think during our long and trying journey. Sometimes we have to step through manure on our way to the garden.
And about the sexual stuff...you HAVE read my thread, right?
CJ's sexual desire problems started early in our M. I think it was partially due to testosterone drop after the "honeymoon" phase was over and partially due to the controlling/angry dynamic that I perpetuated. Pretty hard for SOME men to feel attracted to someone who is tearing them down. If only I KNEW it at the time!!!
The "functional" problems started to get worse about 4 years ago. I didn't help matters by taking it personally at first. As if his "inability" were a direct rejection of me. This just made him MORE anxious and less turned on!
About two years ago I guess I had finally made enough of a fuss and went to our MD with him for the little blue pill. It DOES work...and I thought CJ would be elated that it was a physical problem after all.
Alas, that was around the time he started on the chatlines and we just drifted further and further apart. Then he found the OW....
Last week was the first time since all of this mess that H took the pill for me. I didn't even know he still had some. (I have to wonder why he didn't do this before?).
It was just so nice for BOTH of us not to have to worry about THAT aspect, I think you KNOW what I mean!
I'm very glad your H responded well too. It must do a real number on a guy to feel like "less of a man".
Also it helped me to know that although the "freshness" of things with OW helped some, CJ revealed that "things weren't all that great there, either" .
Don't worry about being "unconventional". I've done a few things that made other DBer's cringe! Like asking H to list all of my positive qualities very early on when he was still planning to leave!
_______________________________________________________ Also it helped me to know that although the "freshness" of things with OW helped some, CJ revealed that "things weren't all that great there, either". _______________________________________________________
Yeah, I've got a lot of satisfaction in knowing that the fuzzy-haired albino Indian wannabe woman wasn't the cure he thought she might be.
We'd already been through the chat & old high school female classmate email excursions (pretty minor league compared to some sitches I've heard about) before OW. I remember telling him that he was setting himself up to cheat--sooner or later--but he thought I didn't know what I was talking about and he would "never".
I personally don't think the XOW had much to do with sex anyway--otherwise he wouldn't have picked an uber-ugly woman that he didn't particularly like or respect at all.
I think it still comes back to him thinking I didn't care anymore--coupled with low self-esteem compounded with the--um--droopies. His basic reasoning was: "she don't love me no more and why would she, I'm no good for her anyway. We've got some problems, so it must be a bad relationship. I'm no good at relationships anyway. We argue occassionally so we must not be compatible." SIGH!
XOW was just a way to try to tear his heart away to prepare to leave me.
Still--knowing that she got the, well, short end of the stick in several ways always puts a smile on my face .
P.S. I know exactly what you were doing with the "list the positive qualities I have" thing. His IC had him write a whole thing about why I was the only woman he'd ever CHOSEN to have an R with, except for a girl way back Jr. year in high school.
I was going in the direction when I read him back some of the love letters he'd written me when we were just beginning our R. Sometimes you just have to pull your head out of the mud and say, "oh, yeah---THAT's why I chose you in the first place--now I remember!".
Have you read any of Gottman's work? Similar to many of the ways that DB helps you get back to a more positive train of thought about your partner, Gottman's books also give you weekly excersises on concentrating of different areas of appreciating your mate.
No I've "Gotta" get my hands on that Gottman material.
And Yes, I think my H had convinced himself that I didn't really love or want him anymore (and to be honest, at that time...while he was unbeknownst to me having chat-pals and pulling away from me) I didn't really FEEL all that much love and desire for him!
But when that 2X4 hit, it hit HARD and I realized in a flash that I DO love this man and would do whatever I could to make a better M for us. I think seeing me hysterical and on my knees rather shocked him. I imagine he thought I'd say "Good, let's D, haven't loved you for years!". NOPE!
Not up to input today. But thank you for the post on shiny's thread to sage about me! Talk about thread hijacking!!
I have been sitting here reading your thread thinking oh my gosh that is us!!!!! I have copied and IM'd my husband several of your posts! And I am sending him link to read the whole thing. Plus dug up Sage's original ones. Don't know how to find Shinys!
Thank you and good luck
Congratulations on a wedding date!! That is awesome!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Ok, I've seen the term highjacking...but not entirely sure what all that entails. Is that when you post to someone else on their thread commenting on a third person's post ...or is it when you talk about your own situation on someone else's thread ...or what
LOLOL--If I'm gonna be rude, I need to know the rules about posting!
fine with me about your H reading my stuff--if it helps in any way, cool!
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