FA, that feedback came about 5 months ago right when we S, none since then. I know better than to try to get any feedback from her now. Thanks for your advice.
Ping, whatever you do don't talk any more to the in laws..If your W finds out that will be a big set back for you. I know from experience. Your doing good man..keep it up. I'm praying hard for you and W and Kids..I believe you made at least 1 birdie this weekend..I'm waiting for your score keeper GL to add up the score for the weekend.
Just dropped kids off at W's house, I asked her did she have a good weekend? She said it was OK, said she didn't get to lay out like she wanted to because her mother wanted to do things on Saturday at the beach. I guess they went shopping, who knows, I didn't ask.
I got W caught up on all of the happenings, I was in a great mood, told her S7 had batting practice tomorrow night and I would not be able to make it, she asked why? I told her I had a cookout in the neighborhood to go to. Also told her that Mother's Day weekend I was suppose to have the kids and I felt they needed to be with her on Sunday but I would keep them Friday night and we were invited to go to a cookout on Saturday night so I would get them to her late on Saturday. The family that asked me to bring the boys are some that we use to hang out with alot when our boys raced motocross together a couple of years ago. We did a lot of camping with them at the tracks and they were very good friends. We even hooked up with them last year on vacation at the beach.
W was in a good mood, I was in a great mood also. I hope I didn't slide any by telling her these things but I felt I needed to let her know that I am living life and not sitting on the sidelines waiting for anything to happen.
All in all a pretty good day and weekend. I remain to feel good about things and I keep my mental state by this one statement. "It is what it is." I preach this with my managers that I am over when things are out of their control, this is out of my control so I thought it fit the bill pretty well.
FA, that feedback came about 5 months ago right when we S, none since then. I know better than to try to get any feedback from her now. Thanks for your advice.
Ping, whatever you do don't talk any more to the in laws..If your W finds out that will be a big set back for you. I know from experience. Your doing good man..keep it up. I'm praying hard for you and W and Kids..I believe you made at least 1 birdie this weekend..I'm waiting for your score keeper GL to add up the score for the weekend.
Hey Mike, I appreciate the feedback. I have not been doing any talking to them for quite some time. Yes I am also curious to see what GL has to say about this weekend. Waiting to see how I sit on the scorecard.
Thanks W2G, I am feeling more at peace with myself. I really feel that what I am doing right now is the right thing. All I was doing before was pushing my W away and I'm sorry I didn't realize this any sooner. I will continue to do this and not put any pressure at all on my W. Hopefully space will give her time to really digest what she is doing and will want to save our M in the long run.
If you read through all of the success stories on this board, they all have one thing in common, the LBS stopped worrying about what was going on and they acted "as if". One thing I want to point out to you is this: Our WAS acts this way, correct? They continue on with their life without thinking about our feelings or worrying about what is going to happen? We ALL want things we can't have. So why don't you become this person? The sooner you become this person, you put yourself in her shoes and then she MAY begin looking at things the way you are currently. There is no guarantee to any of this, but the sooner you turn the roles the sooner you will have some success or baby steps.
Anyway you could paraphase this?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The most important part of this is if you look at all of the success stories on this board, they all have one thing in common, the LBS detached and GAL and stopped worrying about what was going on. Their spouse saw this in them and noticed the change and realized their spouse was no longer doing the chasing, in fact if anything, they were doing the walking or it appears this way in their eyes as there are no more R talks and no more asking questions.
We all want what we can't have, or at least many of us do. This goes for almost everything in life, not just relationships. I will put this in golf terms for you.
Golf is one of the most played sports in the world, why? Because it is the hardest sport ever invented. Those that play golf have the mindset of being a scratch player someday so what do they do, they hit numerous buckets of balls, they stay on the practice green for hours at a time, they spend numerous amounts of money on lessons, they buy the most up to date equipment out on the market as they feel this will make them better. In most cases, these same golfers will never break par in their life. In fact I believe the %'s for scratch golfers in the world is 2-3%. Does this make the golfer stop playing, NO, they continue to try and reach their goal. This is something they may never achieve but they continue to play to their later years in life hoping someday for that miracle round.
Now let's move to something that we all achieve for the most part, we will keep this simple, do you remember how excited you were when you got your driver's license, you couldn't wait to drive, you had so much excitement and nothing could go wrong. Well this phases out after a while, it is no longer a challenge for you, in fact if your like many, you would rather someone else drive whenever you go somewhere. The excitement is gone.
Now let's talk about how this role applys to our M. Right now, we are the golfer searching for the perfect swing, spending all of the money trying to accomplish our goals, we won't give up and the local Pros love us because we are paying their salary, this is who we are. This is not who our WAS is.
Our WAS are driving the car with a driver's license that has gone stale, no more excitement to drive anymore, they have lost the urge to drive anymore.
What we have to do is turn the tables here, we are pushing for the perfect swing while our spouses are in a stale state that they just live with. How do we turn this around. This goes for saying, we want what we can't have. We have to become the driver now and not be excited about our license anymore, we go with the flow, let others drive us around or we take turns when we go somewhere. What this will do is show our spouse that we are fine where we are now, we no longer want that perfect "swing" anymore, we can live without it. This is what I have found where the success stories come from, the WAS suddenly becomes the golfer wondering how to get their "perfect swing". This does not happen if we remain in the golfer mindset about our M, it only happens when we move on and are not tempted to "drive" everywhere for our spouse. Our spouse sees we are no longer reaching out to them and trying to perfect our golf swings, this is what it takes to reverse the role.
I hope this makes sense for you, it all boils down to letting your WAS know you no longer need them, not by words but by actions, this will get their attention if there is any hope. I have found that many of the sitch seem to turn between 8-10 months after S. We all go through a learning curve, some may R earlier, some later.
So for us going through this tough time in our lives, stop reaching for the PGA status, it will not help our M, think more along the lines of doing everyday things that go hand and hand with driving your car.
The most important part of this is if you look at all of the success stories on this board, they all have one thing in common, the LBS detached and GAL and stopped worrying about what was going on. Their spouse saw this in them and noticed the change and realized their spouse was no longer doing the chasing, in fact if anything, they were doing the walking or it appears this way in their eyes as there are no more R talks and no more asking questions.
We all want what we can't have, or at least many of us do. This goes for almost everything in life, not just relationships. I will put this in golf terms for you.
Golf is one of the most played sports in the world, why? Because it is the hardest sport ever invented. Those that play golf have the mindset of being a scratch player someday so what do they do, they hit numerous buckets of balls, they stay on the practice green for hours at a time, they spend numerous amounts of money on lessons, they buy the most up to date equipment out on the market as they feel this will make them better. In most cases, these same golfers will never break par in their life. In fact I believe the %'s for scratch golfers in the world is 2-3%. Does this make the golfer stop playing, NO, they continue to try and reach their goal. This is something they may never achieve but they continue to play to their later years in life hoping someday for that miracle round.
Now let's move to something that we all achieve for the most part, we will keep this simple, do you remember how excited you were when you got your driver's license, you couldn't wait to drive, you had so much excitement and nothing could go wrong. Well this phases out after a while, it is no longer a challenge for you, in fact if your like many, you would rather someone else drive whenever you go somewhere. The excitement is gone.
Now let's talk about how this role applys to our M. Right now, we are the golfer searching for the perfect swing, spending all of the money trying to accomplish our goals, we won't give up and the local Pros love us because we are paying their salary, this is who we are. This is not who our WAS is.
Our WAS are driving the car with a driver's license that has gone stale, no more excitement to drive anymore, they have lost the urge to drive anymore.
What we have to do is turn the tables here, we are pushing for the perfect swing while our spouses are in a stale state that they just live with. How do we turn this around. This goes for saying, we want what we can't have. We have to become the driver now and not be excited about our license anymore, we go with the flow, let others drive us around or we take turns when we go somewhere. What this will do is show our spouse that we are fine where we are now, we no longer want that perfect "swing" anymore, we can live without it. This is what I have found where the success stories come from, the WAS suddenly becomes the golfer wondering how to get their "perfect swing". This does not happen if we remain in the golfer mindset about our M, it only happens when we move on and are not tempted to "drive" everywhere for our spouse. Our spouse sees we are no longer reaching out to them and trying to perfect our golf swings, this is what it takes to reverse the role.
I hope this makes sense for you, it all boils down to letting your WAS know you no longer need them, not by words but by actions, this will get their attention if there is any hope. I have found that many of the sitch seem to turn between 8-10 months after S. We all go through a learning curve, some may R earlier, some later.
So for us going through this tough time in our lives, stop reaching for the PGA status, it will not help our M, think more along the lines of doing everyday things that go hand and hand with driving your car.
Ping, I hope you will go back and re-read your post. You have made great strides. I am truly impressed. You have such a great chance. Please keep up what you are doing. Leaps and bounds my friend leaps and bounds. I hope I can meet you one day. You have really impressed me with this post. Please keep up the good work.
Thanks Mike, I had IC today and my C noticed a huge difference in my attitude also. I had to tell her that what she had been telling me to do these last 4.5 months never sunk in until about 2-3 weeks ago. She said it just sometimes needs to come from a different source and many times you never really hear what others are telling you until your ready to accept the advice.
I hope the post makes since but for those of us that know golf, I believe it will really hit home.
The most important part of this is if you look at all of the success stories on this board, they all have one thing in common, the LBS detached and GAL and stopped worrying about what was going on. Their spouse saw this in them and noticed the change and realized their spouse was no longer doing the chasing, in fact if anything, they were doing the walking or it appears this way in their eyes as there are no more R talks and no more asking questions.
We all want what we can't have, or at least many of us do. This goes for almost everything in life, not just relationships.
Wise man..... Very wise indeed....
Bogey free golf this weekend Ping. I liked the shot where you got up and down when you dropped off the kids. Very good job. Good interaction and excellent idea on making plans as if it were no big deal. You have a life to live. Women are attracted to men who seem to be going somewhere with their life. Remember that this is like the U.S. Open. Par is good. Par will have you in the hunt come Sunday.
Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Let her come to you. Be the stronger one emotionally. Keep on being nice to her and just let it happen. (it is what it is).. The strong silent type is quite attractive to a woman. They love men with emotional strength that is sensitive to HER emotions and wants and needs without making a big deal about his problems. " Don't worry honey,I will handle it".....
