After 3 long years, H is home

[GoingForward]

Your impression is correct, and yes, he's venting without actually thinking before speaking. He's told me that this is what he does. This is how he is.

He also seems to be looking for reassurances. I find it very interesting that he said you shouldn't do it for him, but when you insisted you wanted to he seemed to like it. Perhaps this was a convoluted WOA for him?

Maybe. I'm not sure. I get the feeling from him that I should just KNOW to do these things, and because they aren't/weren't part of my routine, my way of living (before he moved back in, mind you), then it means to HIM that I do not care, about him and/or about these duties or whatever he wants to call them.

I also find it interesting that he is verbalizing the fact that maybe you want him to make changes. It's almost like he was throwing it out there to see your response. I think he's feeling pressure to make changes and isn't "there" yet. I don't know if the pressure is coming from you or him or family or friends. But somewhere, it is there.

This could be because of our convo last night where I pointed out all that he's done this past week....without having spent any time with me. He knows I would like more QT alone, but he's not ready, and since I brought it up, I 'made' him feel guilty and that is why he got mad. He also knows that he could've spent time with me last night after the kids were in bed, but he wanted to go to a friend's house instead. When I made the "selfless" statement, he cried. I think it hit a nerve with him. Perhaps made him realize he was being rather selfish.

I'm not trying to point out and say that he IS selfish. H has admitted this to me himself. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and doesn't want any BS about it since he works so hard. Understandable, but how is that fair to me? What about my feelings? My needs and wants?

As to how this can change, I don't know either. In the same way that he feels I shouldn't want to do these changes around the house for him, I don't want him to feel like he has to spend time with me just for me. It should be natural. It should be genuine and come from the heart.

It's apparent that he's not there.

[MichelleLT]

As to how this can change, I don't know either. In the same way that he feels I shouldn't want to do these changes around the house for him, I don't want him to feel like he has to spend time with me just for me. It should be natural. It should be genuine and come from the heart.

It being natural is not necessarily a realistic expectation. In my mind it ranks right there with him expecting you to know what he wants. Just like you don't naturally do things the way he does, he doesn't naturally speak your LL.

Now, being genuine and coming from the heart is another matter. That is what you are doing for him, and you expect him to reciprocate. Not unreasonable, but an expectation all the same.

This may be like a lot of DBing, you may have to take the lead. If you work on his LL and be a bit selfless (while still taking care of yourself) he might get to a point where he can start to return your selflessness.

As for how to encourage him to spend time with you, I think it needs to be as much fun as possible and conflict-free. You need to spend time reconnecting, not hashing out kid stuff. You realize that and you want it. He doesn't because he doesn't think you guys can spend that time together and it be pleasant. This is because of the past.

If you could think of 1-2 things that might make him feel that way, then think of creative ways to minimize/eliminate that, you may be on to something big.

[GoingForward]

Ahhhh, yes. I suppose I HAVE been expecting this to happen, even more so since I told him it would have to happen if he didn't want the D. I made it crystal clear to H that spending time together alone was going to be vital. It would be essential in reconnecting.

Well we went to the game that one time, but it's been nearly two months now with nothing else since then. I feel like all the time he spends with coworkers (outside of work) or all the times he chooses overtime or even to just go into work earlier than necessary is time that could have been spent doing something with me. Even if just once a week. I don't expect QT every day and night.

It is also difficult to plan things for us to do because he doesn't have a set schedule as far as work goes. Like today, he is scheduled to work at 5pm, but he chose to go in at 2:30pm. He left the house even earlier before that, around noon. There were 4 hours there that could've been for us. He could've even asked me to go with him to look at new car stereos. He could've included me on his trips to car dealerships when he was looking to get a Charger.

This all bugs me because he once told me, and I don't know if he really meant to tell me, "No one wants to hang out with me. I called so-and-so, blah blah blah, and they're all too busy." I was thinking, "Ummm....hello! Me here, your W. I would go and do such-and-such with you." He never asks me. I have asked before but was always rejected. He would say he just wanted to go by himself. Not exactly true if he was calling others to accompany him.

Ugh.

I'm at a loss right now as to what to do in my own sitch . Perhaps a night of fun is in order! That will be tomorrow at the ladies poker party ! Then it's back to work after that.

Thanks, Michelle. Your insight is extremely helpful.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[MichelleLT]

I hope that you have a great weekend. The ladies poker party sounds like a great way to blow off some steam.

As for him asking you to hang out with him...to me that reemphasizes the fact that he doesn't speak your LL. You may have to take the lead, perhaps by offering to go with him (with no expectations though and letting him say no if that's what he needs).

Sounds like it can wait til next week though.

[GoingForward]

And once again, insecurity creeps in.....

Earlier this morning, I was cleaning up some stuff on the catch-all table (junk mail, receipts, etc, etc) and found a card addressed to H from the female coworker that gave him the token of appreciation at work this past week.

Inside she wrote:

H,

Thank you for your leadership and ownership with the rail cars. I know it is not a fun job, but it's an important one, and one that is making (refinery) money. And during these uncertain times, that is a real accomplishment. I also appreciate your help in working with (another coworker) to help improve the offloading process. I hope we can work together to make it safer and more comfortable.

L


This is the same woman who H told me not to worry about because she is M'ed....Ok, whatever. H is right. M'ed people never go astray. (I want to puke !)

I realize this is most likely nothing more other than my insecurity getting the best of me, but a few things bother me here.

First, IMO, she made it VERY personal by using "I" instead of "We" (the refinery). Second, the card is in the shape of a heart (WTF??!!!). Lastly, she is speaking H's primary LL (WOA) BIG TIME, and to me, that spells trouble in a BIG way. OW and the girl H dated before moving back in catered to his ego in this way all the time.

*Sigh* I don't know. I guess I'm just worried.

Also, yesterday when H was out getting his car stereo, he called me but I didn't hear my phone ring. I called him back after I saw that he called, but this time he didn't answer. He called me about 10 minutes after that. I didn't ask why he didn't pick up when I called; he offered up an explanation himself, and it was the way he did it that troubled me.

My H has a "tell" when he's not being completely truthful about something. He clears his throat and tends to hesitate for a split second while telling his lie. He will also swallow somewhat hard.

Anyway, he did all of that (yes, I was able to tell over the phone) while saying that he didn't answer because he was busy pumping gas. Plausible, yes. However, I always KNOW in my gut when he's hiding something.

There have been hugs, kisses, ILYs, and flirting coming from H, but there hasn't been any sex since.......probably about a month ago. Again, I don't know. I suppose it could just be due to the recent arguments we've had.

Oh, I don't think I ever mentioned that during one of those arguments, my H told me he is here for one reason, and for one reason only. It is to "raise the children the right way". To "give them the father I never had". "They are ALL I care about. I don't give a sh** about what happens between you and me."

5 1/2 hours to go until I'm on way to Brentwood for ladies night.

[Snow White]

First, IMO, she made it VERY personal by using "I" instead of "We" (the refinery). Second, the card is in the shape of a heart (WTF??!!!). Lastly, she is speaking H's primary LL (WOA) BIG TIME, and to me, that spells trouble in a BIG way. OW and the girl H dated before moving back in catered to his ego in this way all the time.

Its ok to be worried, I think my biggest problem here would be the shape of a heart(especially if it isn't the refinery stationary). But I would think, and I don't know your H, that if it was something that he thought would raise flags he wouldn;t be throwing it down on the table for you to pick up. As far as her using the word I, I think that my employer and supervisors would do the same, it comes more from an area of them thinking that they themselves are extrememly important than it does from an aspect of intimacy.

However, I always KNOW in my gut when he's hiding something.

I am not going to argue with intuition and I also always know when my H is hiding something, the key is what. Is it possible that he was being untruthful but it has nothing to do with a possible OW?

My H told me he is here for one reason, and for one reason only. It is to "raise the children the right way". To "give them the father I never had". "They are ALL I care about. I don't give a sh** about what happens between you and me."

Did he recant this statement at a later point? I think that if you consider the circumstances that he said this solely to hurt you in the moment. If you look at your situation for 3 years he was not at home with his boys, the only thing that a diforce would have made different is it would have severed his ties to YOU. You could have gone through with the divorce and he would have seen them the same as he did the previous 3 years. The thought of finally losing you seemed to be what brought him back.

[MichelleLT]

Sorry you are having a weird day. I hope tonight proves to be a nice distraction and allows you a period of time to relax and recharge.

There is no way to know why/what he is hedging about. It may be something stupid and not worth lying about, but for whatever reason he doesn't feel like he can tell you the truth. Or it could be something big. Only he knows.

As for the note, it is weird that it is heart-shaped, but H had no control over that. He doesn't seem to be trying to hide it, so that's one check in the innocent column.

Your H was out of the house for a long time. It's a hard adjustment to living together. I'm sure things will be very difficult just by virtue of that even without all the other crap.

Enjoy your weekend and take a mental break so that you can be refreshed when you get back.

(((((GF)))))

[ACJ]

GF just came to say goodbye.

[Snow White]

Hey GF, I don't know how it works or if you are asked ahead of time but did you know that your story is now posted on the announcements:another divorce busted board?

[GoingForward]

Wow, thanks, Neecy. I didn't know that, and I notified the mods. My D has not been busted - we're still in continuance, scheduled to go to court in June. With everything that's going on (and not going on), I'm still very uncertain about this M.

Will post more in a bit. Thanks again.