I was late calling my sons this morning -- I slept late, having watched a movie until almost 3 AM. At the end of my conversation with my two S's, W got on the phone and said, "Should I snort?" me: "Excuse me?" W: "Should I snort the way you do when I am late calling your sons? You always snort sarcastically whenever I call at a time you have deemed inappropriate." me: <long pause.> "I'm sorry. At least it's not because I'm sleeping around." W: <click> She hung up on me.
A few minutes later I called her back and apologized, or tried to. I told her that my comment was "below the belt". I told her obviously I was still trying to heal from my hurt and that I have a long way to go before I can forgive her. She interrupted me and tried to interject something snide at this point, saying something about me being "sorry alright."
As such, I continued to say, it is just as well we are not together since we are still prone to hurt each other. I told her again I was sorry for the comment and I needed to work on myself to be able to forgive.
Then she said she was not interested in any forgiveness from me.
I replied, "Fine. I need to forgive you for my sake then. God expects us, as Christians, to be forgiving."
W said something about me lauding my piety over her and she didn't want to hear it. She said I was just trying to make her feel guilty and nothing else.
I paused and told her, "I'm just trying to do the right thing here. But there is nothing I can say one way of the other that you won't take in the most hostile fashion possible. Even my apologies are seen as wrong."
W:"Yes. That's about right."
Me: "Well, then I'm going to disregard whatever you're reaction might be, since I will be convicted by you either way, and go with my own moral convictions."
W then tried to get off the call claiming she had to get our S's out the door.
Folks I really did have a slip of the tongue. I just blurted out the "sleeping around" jibe before I even realized it. I think for months I have been bottling up all this frustration at not being able to fully confront my W and to make my case or to have my say about what she has done to harm me and my family. I am starting to realize that even if she were to suddenly want to try again, I don't think I will be able to live with her ever again if I cannot overcome this hurt. Every time she says something nasty to me, which is now quite often, I dredge up all this hurt and I want to give it back to her, to get it out of my hands. I am struggling with truly being able to ever forgive her. Certainly now is very hard since the damage she is causing me and my family is still ongoing and the wounds are refreshed every day. But is it possible to truly forgive, and can I do it?
