Just started lurking around this forum and I found your sitch very helpful. I know what you're going through isn't pleasant at all but your sharing it has helped me. From what I've seen here, you're doing just about everything a man could be expected to do. Thank you and best wishes.
BryanS
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
I just got back from seeing a movie with one of my good friends (and pen pal) from my DivorceCare (DC) group. Since no one else from our group could make it, and since she is of the opposite gender, it would technically qualify as a "date". I had a good time and she seemed to enjoy it as well (we saw "21".)
But now I am feeling a bit guilty(?) and a bit confused, I'm not sure, as this is one of the things we're warned of in our DC sessions, to avoid situations where we are alone with members of the opposite sex, especially while we are still healing from a separation or divorce. Getting together in groups is okay, but not one-on-one. All the way I drove back home I kept turning this over and over in my mind, how I need good friends like these men and women in DC, and I care about each and every one of them a lot. I just don't want to jeopardize anything or anyone. I know I am light-years away from being ready for a new R with someone, as I have a lot more healing to do -- and I am not even divorced yet. Neither is she for that matter.
I need to pray and think a lot more on this. But then I think I already know what God expects of me in this matter. I showed a lack of discretion.
NoCode, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Just because you went out with a single woman from your DC group doesn't mean it's a date, does it? Unless you thought of it that way. Or did it have more emotional meaning to you than a night out with a friend?
I have to admit, I'm a bit confused on this too after becoming so familiar with affairs. I used to think there was nothing wrong with having someone of the opposite sex as a friend. Perhaps there isn't, but if you run the risk of it becoming an EA. Maybe we're just too unstable from all this to feel comfortable with it?
I'm sort of rambling with my thoughts, but I read your post this morning and have been thinking about it ever since.
NCB- I hope you have your helmet on because I have a wet 2x4 for you. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!! Yes you went to a movie with a woman. So what? Yes you were alone with her. So what? I went through the DC class and we never clicked as a group, which is unfortunate. We only had one outing and that was after the last session.
I assume that this woman you went to the movie with is in a similar ciircumstance as yours. She probably has similar feelings and confusions.
Continue to be up front with her. Tell her where you are and she will understand. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT YOU DID.
Enough said.
God Bless you brother.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
I agree with mc. This woman probably feels the same...confused...a bit naughty ....worried what YOU were thinking. She has the same hurt as you, and probably enjoyed a little 'safe' male attention. Its good for the ego. We were struck down, our confidence is shot, its good to remember we are valued, by both men and women.
You are married, you KNOW you would never do anything inappropriate at this point. You are fine. Remove your self inflicted 2 X 4.
I agree with LWB! You are too hard on yourself, nocode. You did nothing wrong! Yes, it's probably good to do group things, but when that happened it sounds like you were very appropriate with your behavior. I think we are all too hard on ourselves sometimes! I think we are all doing the best in sometimes not very good situations!!! Prayer is good, but you know forgiveness (esp. when you didn't do anything wrong ) is important too!!! Karen
I understand I really did nothing "wrong". But I also realize this is a delicate matter that I need to be careful of. If I had gone to a movie with one of my male friends from the group instead, this wouldn't warrant even mentioning.
We each have to be careful and cognizant. I cannot assume the innocence of something, knowing this is precisely how EA's get started. I have to always check myself and my heart, my motives, whenever I am having something to do with an "eligible" person of the opposite gender.
Besides, W and I started out just hanging out as merely friends too -- and see where that led.
I was late calling my sons this morning -- I slept late, having watched a movie until almost 3 AM. At the end of my conversation with my two S's, W got on the phone and said, "Should I snort?" me: "Excuse me?" W: "Should I snort the way you do when I am late calling your sons? You always snort sarcastically whenever I call at a time you have deemed inappropriate." me: <long pause.> "I'm sorry. At least it's not because I'm sleeping around." W: <click> She hung up on me.
A few minutes later I called her back and apologized, or tried to. I told her that my comment was "below the belt". I told her obviously I was still trying to heal from my hurt and that I have a long way to go before I can forgive her. She interrupted me and tried to interject something snide at this point, saying something about me being "sorry alright."
As such, I continued to say, it is just as well we are not together since we are still prone to hurt each other. I told her again I was sorry for the comment and I needed to work on myself to be able to forgive.
Then she said she was not interested in any forgiveness from me.
I replied, "Fine. I need to forgive you for my sake then. God expects us, as Christians, to be forgiving."
W said something about me lauding my piety over her and she didn't want to hear it. She said I was just trying to make her feel guilty and nothing else.
I paused and told her, "I'm just trying to do the right thing here. But there is nothing I can say one way of the other that you won't take in the most hostile fashion possible. Even my apologies are seen as wrong."
W:"Yes. That's about right."
Me: "Well, then I'm going to disregard whatever you're reaction might be, since I will be convicted by you either way, and go with my own moral convictions."
W then tried to get off the call claiming she had to get our S's out the door.
Folks I really did have a slip of the tongue. I just blurted out the "sleeping around" jibe before I even realized it. I think for months I have been bottling up all this frustration at not being able to fully confront my W and to make my case or to have my say about what she has done to harm me and my family. I am starting to realize that even if she were to suddenly want to try again, I don't think I will be able to live with her ever again if I cannot overcome this hurt. Every time she says something nasty to me, which is now quite often, I dredge up all this hurt and I want to give it back to her, to get it out of my hands. I am struggling with truly being able to ever forgive her. Certainly now is very hard since the damage she is causing me and my family is still ongoing and the wounds are refreshed every day. But is it possible to truly forgive, and can I do it?
We all make mistakes. We all say things out of hurt....you strive and pray to be better, but we are but sinners trying to live lives that honor out Heavenly Father. So you didn't do your best.
DC talks about forgiveness quite a bit. You need to re-look at that section. You need to QUIT BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
Take care man
John
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
....worried what YOU were thinking. She has the same hurt as you, and probably enjoyed a little 'safe' male attention. Its good for the ego. We were struck down, our confidence is shot, its good to remember we are valued, by both men and women. 
) is important too!!! Karen