H and I had planned to spend the day together today. I'm goi ng to have to work hard to stay detached and project PMA today as I'm pretty grouchy.
Last night, S16 and S19 initiated a long talk with me about how angry they are with their dad. They have also felt abandoned and betrayed by his actions--not to mention being very angry on my behalf. They were very hurt by H's withdrawal from the whole family (I'd say about a year and a half of major depression before his A and the big bomb).
They feel like he has been behaving more immature than they are. Every bit of fatherly advice and guidance he has ever given is coming back to haunt him as they now feel his is a hypocrite. It's clear that this whole episode has affected their own developmental stage(s) and colored their view of relationships.
S19 said H has acted like a guy that trashed his room--threw his dirty cloths all around, left dirty dishes everywhere, then looked around one day and said, "this room sucks, I'm moving to a new house!" instead of just cleaning the room and improving his environment. S16 agreed. Sadly, so do I.
None of this is new information to me. I know we've all been struggling.
I talked to them about what I've learned about male menopause and the effects and how that has played into H's behaviour. We talked about relationships and how long-term ones like marraiges go through many phases and stages. I told them that I was making a choice to have compassion and forgiveness because H obviously has had some cold water thrown in his face and now wants to work things out.
I told them that everybody, at some point, needs forgiveness and compassion--or needs to give those things--in a big way at some point in a marraige. It's a hard lesson, but so important. I told them that I was worried that their anger and lack of forgiveness for H would serve to sabotage our efforts to reconcile. Reconciliation needs to happen between H and I so he can come home. Then, they will need to also work on reconciliation.
I'm a bit worried. If H has a hard time understanding my need for reassurance--and has a hard time giving it--how is he going to deal with the fact that our boys will also need lots of it?
So much healing that needs to be done.
Positive stuff:
1. H is trying (even if his family often feels like it's not enough or fast enough.
2. We have wonderful sons--all 4 of them. I'm so glad that they are at least able to talk about their feelings with me.
3. All 4 boys are in serious relationships. Even S16 is having his first love. S19 and S21 are engaged. S24 is living with SO. They are learning big lessons--good and bad--by watching H and I go through this process, and I've even seen them incorporating some of those lessons in their own R's.
