Thanks, Sage. I'd be honored to give you some input even though your posts are often so deep and eloquent that I could hardly know what to add.
I stayed up too late last night writing a long letter to put in a card to give H for our annaversary. Still struggling with whether or not to give it as the basic theme is "come home now and let's get to work on this repairing the damage we've done to what we created all those years ago: us together".
H called to make sure I'd gotten up (does that often, and I know that acts of service are his LL). BUT, no mention of our annaversary today. I don't know what to make of it. In my heart of hearts, I'd hoped that he'd show up with the ring I'd given back to him when we separated and ask me to marry him again and set an actual date! I know I'm being unrealistic, but a girl can hope, ya know?
I want him to come home! I want him to make a decision and be determined to work with me to change the old patterns. It's going to take a lot of time and work and patience and support of each other like learning a new language. He says he has decided and does love me and is doing everything he knows how to work on himself.
Rambling on here...this annaversary thing has me feeling a little unhinged.
I just finished reading through your thread. Very enjoyable reading, not because of the pain you've had to go through, but because of the way you expressed many of the thoughts and feelings I've been dealing with.
I too have had some success with R talks with H by sandwiching touchy subjects between positive comments.
Presently, I am dealing with a truck load of anger brought on when my H voluntarily promised not to lie any more and then proceeded to lie repeatedly afterward.
I haven't posted to my own thread here in "piecing" ("A Ray of Hope, I Hope") for some time as I find it difficult to sort out my situation on the bb at times. Don't ask me why, it just happens. Anyway, I will be keeping an eye on your situation, which by the way, I think looks hopeful.
Today is your anniversary?? That must be rough in this limbo land. At least ours arrived after we'd recommitted to working on our M.
You can bet your H hasn't forgotten, he probably just didn't know WHAT to do....he's still confused, perhaps didn't want to raise "false hopes"? Still, I can totally relate to your desire for a full recommittment from him on this special day. Sigh.....if only....
Be patient, my H Didn't buy my a Christmas gift (I bought three little cat carvings and hand painted them to resemble our babies for him), nor a Valentine's Gift (I bought lingerie for both of us ). He didn't even buy me a birthday gift (April 6th) long after the "last bomb" and we were working things out. Come to think of it...no anniversary gift either way (May 1) either, although we did exchange cards and had a lovely dinner out.
Try not to read too much into this. As for your letter...I don't know...too soon? What do the rest of you think?
Yeah--tough annaversary in Limboland. Still...not bad.
I rewrote the letter--toned down the intensity level but it was still a love letter for sure! Put in tickets to an outdoor music festival he'd mentioned wanted to go to (one of his complaints before was that we didn't go out to play enough.
I stopped at his work on the way home. I didn't want to go inside and risk ruining it for myself by running into XOW, or ruining it for H (kindof takes the romance out of the moment when W punches XOW's face). I called him and asked him to meet me outside for a minute & gave him the card w/letter. He got all mushy-faced & slightly teary. Said, he hadn't "gotten to do any shopping", but I could tell he wasn't being truthful.
Hugs & kisses then I left. On the way home I was wondering if he'd forgotten or just felt akward and didn't know what to do.
When I got home, I found a vase full of roses on the table and a card that said he hoped we'd never spend another annaversary apart.
No, not a wedding ring but better than a baby step!
Yes, it was romantic and that's new stuff (for both of us).
I was trying not to let this marraige status thing become such a big deal in my head. Technically, legally, we are in a status that is like common law marraige, as well as being Indian custom married.
It has always been a sore point with me that H said he wanted to get married 9 years ago. When that didn't happen, I made a little fuss about three years ago and H gave me a ring and proposed at Christmas in front of our kids. Again...nothing happened...no follow through.
If the kids or I ever brought up the subject...H would come up with excuses and justifications:
"...it's just a peice of paper..." "...such and such a couple has been together for 25 years and never got married..." "...what does legality have to do with human nature and the heart..."
Well it has a lot to do with human nature and the heart when your woman cooks and cleans and brings home the bacon and raises a family with you and puts up with your MLC bullpucky and you make her feel like she's not good enough to marry and you still have one foot out the door because you're waiting for a bigger, better deal to come along....AND then you have an A with someone you work with.
Not to mention that we're getting older and if one of us dies, our federal stuff (military survivor's benefits, social security, etc. will go to our X-spouses, not each other. NOT ACCEPTABLE!
So now, in MC, I think he's starting to get that that it was a huge deal to me and that I've felt very hurt and upset about the whole issue for a long time so it has become a big topic of discussion in our reconcilliation.
To me, it is not only long-time-coming, but would be a sincere symbol that H is fully recommitting to the relationship.
I thought it might be a perfect opportunity for H to take care of that issue, being it was our annaversary. I wasn't setting myself up for any huge dissappointments by expecting...but I did hope.
Anyway, yes...the roses and card were very romantic.
H and I had planned to spend the day together today. I'm goi ng to have to work hard to stay detached and project PMA today as I'm pretty grouchy.
Last night, S16 and S19 initiated a long talk with me about how angry they are with their dad. They have also felt abandoned and betrayed by his actions--not to mention being very angry on my behalf. They were very hurt by H's withdrawal from the whole family (I'd say about a year and a half of major depression before his A and the big bomb).
They feel like he has been behaving more immature than they are. Every bit of fatherly advice and guidance he has ever given is coming back to haunt him as they now feel his is a hypocrite. It's clear that this whole episode has affected their own developmental stage(s) and colored their view of relationships.
S19 said H has acted like a guy that trashed his room--threw his dirty cloths all around, left dirty dishes everywhere, then looked around one day and said, "this room sucks, I'm moving to a new house!" instead of just cleaning the room and improving his environment. S16 agreed. Sadly, so do I.
None of this is new information to me. I know we've all been struggling.
I talked to them about what I've learned about male menopause and the effects and how that has played into H's behaviour. We talked about relationships and how long-term ones like marraiges go through many phases and stages. I told them that I was making a choice to have compassion and forgiveness because H obviously has had some cold water thrown in his face and now wants to work things out.
I told them that everybody, at some point, needs forgiveness and compassion--or needs to give those things--in a big way at some point in a marraige. It's a hard lesson, but so important. I told them that I was worried that their anger and lack of forgiveness for H would serve to sabotage our efforts to reconcile. Reconciliation needs to happen between H and I so he can come home. Then, they will need to also work on reconciliation.
I'm a bit worried. If H has a hard time understanding my need for reassurance--and has a hard time giving it--how is he going to deal with the fact that our boys will also need lots of it?
So much healing that needs to be done.
Positive stuff:
1. H is trying (even if his family often feels like it's not enough or fast enough.
2. We have wonderful sons--all 4 of them. I'm so glad that they are at least able to talk about their feelings with me.
3. All 4 boys are in serious relationships. Even S16 is having his first love. S19 and S21 are engaged. S24 is living with SO. They are learning big lessons--good and bad--by watching H and I go through this process, and I've even seen them incorporating some of those lessons in their own R's.
"H has acted like a guy that trashed his room--threw his dirty cloths all around, left dirty dishes everywhere, then looked around one day and said, "this room sucks, I'm moving to a new house!" instead of just cleaning the room and improving his environment. "
Your son has obviously acquired mom's ability to articulate thoughts into easily relatable word pictures. I couldn't have said it better myself and I can easily relate to his comment.
Excuse me for continuing to refer to your relationship as a marriage, but to me the dynamics are the same and so are the problems. I understand your feelings about his not committing to you legally and that you are being deprived of the security and benefits that often come with it. I know that I would feel the same way.
Sounds like you have some great boys there. Good job raising them!
You also did a good job of explaining your stance on this whole mess: forgiveness, understanding and compassion. They will certainly learn great life lessons from the class and compassion you are showing.
Thanks J & S: Your positive comments mean a lot--especially after trying to recover from a period of time when my self-esteem was trashed. I'm still emoting all over the place, but I'm so thankful to have a safe place like this to do that and helps to talk things out here. Funny, when the bomb hit and I became a psycho-woman (up, down, and even upside-down) H was so surprised about my reaction and behavior: "you've always been so level-headed before"!
Ummm...as if I would be CALM about him CHEATING and LYING about it and waiting for him to decide if he even wanted to be in this R at all. DUH!
Yes, we've got great boys. We have what is called a double-blended family (2 of his, 2 of mine). Both of the other bio-parents involved have not been involved, except to cause trouble about once a year or so. As H has always worked nights, I have been the primary parent all along and I do take some credit for the wonderful young men they are all turning out to be.
I refer to it as a marraige too, and refer to him as my H. Yes, the dynamics are the same.
). He didn't even buy me a birthday gift (April 6th) long after the "last bomb" and we were working things out. Come to think of it...no anniversary gift either way (May 1) either, although we did exchange cards and had a lovely dinner out.