I have figured out that there has to be some flexibility to the DBing. Scheduling R talks has been one that we needed to do. I probably broke every rule in the "book" when I first found out about H cheating then saying he wanted out. I flipped out and I have to admit...some of that behaviour is common in my culture. I've heard similar things about how dangerous filipino women can be when cheated on and I think there are some real similarities.
However....H had really come to the conclusion that I didn't love him, didn't even like him, probably just kept him around for a second income, blah, blah, blah.
If I had not freaked out in a big way, not pursued, not fought for our R, tried to just "go dark" and "be his friend", he would be gone now, still convinced that I didn't love him and that the R was dead.
Over the last year or two, I had been thinking the same thing: he's cold and withdrawn, doesn't love me anymore, says "nothing is wrong" when I try to get him to talk to me.
I still can't believe two intelligent adults who love each other could get to that place. Our MC says we're trying to make it all too complex. The facts are that we both need a great deal of reasurrance from each other, but don't know how to ask for it or give it very well. Yeah, I can THINK about how lucky I feel to have him in my life, how he makes me laugh, how I am always amazed at the way I feel pulled toward him as though gravity operates laterally, the way I love his goofy smile, the way the sound of his voice soothes me (I could go on and on) but expressing those things to H is nearly impossible.
When I try to ask for comfort or reassurance from H, he seems to hear that I'm saying that I'm not satisfied with him or that I'm trying to control him.
Both wanting the same thing--not knowing how to ask, not knowing how to express. This has got to stop!
So we're realizing that we're going to have to break even more dysfunctional patterns that have been going on for generations. We're going to have to go back to kindergarten, learn a new language, be brave, trust each other, have compassion for each other while we stumble and fall over and over again, trying to learn a new skill: how to love each other well.
