Where do...I...go from here?

[tpaschal]

Visitation/Custody issues---ugh!

H doesn't follow any regular visitation schedule yet. We went to Temp. Orders hearing on March 12, but H's L was in charge of writing them up and getting copies out to everyone to review/make changes/sign, but I don't have anything in writing yet.

So H is very happy to just not show, or call and say he's not coming, and I'm supposed to just deal with it. He doesn't care whether I have plans or not. When I hadn't heard from H by Friday at 4:30, the kids and I left for swim team practice as usual. H has been picking them up from the pool after practice when it's his weekend for the past couple of months. But this Fri. he came to the house at 6pm without calling or texting or anything, then called my cell phone ranting and raving that we weren't home for him to pick up the kids.

One friend said from now on I need to cover my @ss by emailing him EVERYTHING to do with the kids' schedules. I know she's right. I guess I was being passive/aggressive by not calling him to tell him where we would be. I just get so tired of being in charge of his relationship with the kids. He doesn't call or show up AT ALL on Thursday, which is his afternoon and evening with the kids, but then he calls me ranting and raving because we're not at home on Fri., even though he KNOWS the kids swim every Friday afternoon? So psycho.

He ranted and raved that I would be sorry because I could forget about whatever generous settlement he had planned to offer, that he would get his lawyer to make my life miserable, that I had f****d up big time, blah, blah, blah. I tried to be calm, said that we hadn't heard anything from him in days, that I agree that we do need to get the kids on a consistent schedule, but that I refused to cancel the kids' regular plans, that I refused to put the kids' lives on hold to sit at home waiting and wondering if he was going to show up, that he was an adult with access to a phone, that it had been our schedule for the past 2 or 3 months that he picked them up after swimming, etc. Logical stuff, so I'm sure he didn't process any of it.

I told him that I would be happy to have a calm, rational conversation with him about these matters, but if he continued screaming at me, I would hang up. And when he went off on his spew about the divorce and the lawyer, etc., I just kept repeating, "Is this what's best for the kids?" "Is this what's best for the kids?" Finally I just said, "Okay, it's obvious you're too angry to have a calm conversation right now, so I'll talk to you later. Bye!"

Ugh. I hate this.

I texted him that the kids HAD brought their overnight bags with them to the pool, and that he was welcome to pick them up there. He refused. Texted back that I could bring them to his apartment. I wrote back, said I had a parent meeting after practice finished, kids would be done at regular time for him to pick up, or they would have to wait another hour until I was finished. He said, no, you can leave, bring them to me, and go back.

I called MIL. She came, picked up kids and took them to his apartment. MIL came back to my house afterwards to tell me all about it, and ended up staying the night. MIL said H was shocked to see her car and reacted nastily. I think she was hoping for that, because it gave her a chance to say some of the things she's been wanting to say to him for months. Don't know if it was good or not, but SHE certainly feels better! He told her he would get his lawyer to get a restraining order so that she and FIL couldn't see the kids anymore, and she told him to go for it---to just try it---that she would love to have her day in court to tell a judge what's really been going on. She told him that if D5 comes back with bloody cracked feet ever again, that THEY would be the ones going after him. (D5 has some form of eczema (sp?) or psoriasis or atopic dermatitis---the docs don't even know for sure what to call it---that causes her feet to peel and crack all the time, and when H makes the kids go on a forced march for 2 or 3 hours with bimbo's dog, D5's feet end up swollen and cracked and bloody and painful.) H doesn't seem to really give a sh*t, as D14 called me last night and told me that it happened again anyway. And he's not just a father, he's a DOCTOR!!!???!!!

Anyway, D14 has called several times to see if they can come home early. Says H is mean to them. And I'm sure he is being yucky. He's mad at me, and it always seems to come out on them. But C told me earlier in the week that the kids really need some consistency---one, so they can start to count on him to be where he's supposed to be when he's supposed to be there, and two, so they can't play us against each other. So, so hard to navigate all this sh*t!

I feel like crap if I don't let them come home early, but I also feel like crap if he manipulates me and the kids! (He's mean, they beg to go home, he accomplishes his goal---subconscious, I hope---of not having to spend as much time with the kids and letting bimbo OW come back earlier than planned.)

Have I said before that I HATE this???