Haven't posted for awhile. It's been a tough couple of weeks. I've had a scare with a finding in a mamogram that required more tests. I've gotten a semi-reassuring explination from a specialist: "It's most likely a cyst, but we want to watch carefully". I'm thinking about getting a second opinion as I'm not sure I feel comfortable risking my life on a Dr's "probably" and "most likely" half-baked explinations.
H and I still separated. He was worried about the mamogram scare. The whole thing had me rattled too. At one point, I outright asked for reassurances from H, but he just looks at his shoes. Tells me several times during phone calls, "we'll talk" but when I see him...we don't talk...just avoid that I've asked difficult questions and asked for reassurance and get no response but a very sad expression on h's face.
H wasn't able to go to the last MC session, so I went by myself. I told her my perspective...that H & I have a basically good relationship based on friendship and respect. I described a very destructive pattern that we do though: I reach out to H to connect or to ask for reassurance when I'm feeling insecure. H, being terrified of vulnerability, freaks out about intimacy issues so shuts down and plays "Stone Man". I get no response or an inappropriate response ("I must love you, I'm still here, aren't I?") I feel exposed & humiliated for having been open about my needs and insecurities. I roll up into a ball & play porcupine--putting up my guard and throwing out quills.
End result: both feel misunderstood, hurt, angry....and lonely.
MC was glad to get this information. She's been working at getting a good picture of who we are and what we do. She seems to be formulating ideas about how to work on our "Stone Man and Porcupine Woman" problem.
I've been backing off recently and trying to project PMA. I will have to bring my doubts and insecurities here for now as addressing them with H just backfires and makes me feel worse.
Positive things from this last week:
1. We've been gathering camping gear and looking for good camping sites. This tells me that H wants to get away from everything & spend time with me.
2. He liked the Beta (Siamese Fighting Fish) for Fathers' Day. He had gotten me one for Mothers' Day and had mentioned that he'd like to get one too. He said when comes home--we'll put them (the fish) next to each other. This is as close as H gets to reassuring me that our separation is temporary and he does intend to come home. Not as specific as I'd like, but could be much worse...he could still be waffling about deciding whether or not he wants our R!
3. Told him about problems our oldest son is having with his R. Short version: he was placing all kinds of conditions and goals that had to be achieved before marrying his sweetie. He was ignoring her emotional needs and she felt neglected. She began an online EA and was making plans to leave to go be with internet guy. Son found out, confronted, gave an ultimatim. Son admitted to ways he had been neglecting her and making her feel insecure. They decided to work on their R.
H said he could relate to Son's admissions of his part of the problem. Said now that he knows how he's made me feel all these years, he's surprised that I wasn't the one to have an A.
I told him I had learned to live with his Stone Man routine, but that I'd always been committed and would never consider cheating on him.
I'm glad that H is really looking at things he's been doing that were putting me in WAW mode, even though he's the one that had the A.
4. H is starting to realize that things I say and do that he's been interpreting as "controlling" are just me feeling insecure and afraid. This perspective helps him have compassion instead of getting angry and going on the defensive.
5. H said he'd "try" to learn to give me reassurance when I ask for it directly. I told him I'd try to help him learn that language, and that he'd find it well worth the effort and really like the results!
I said that maybe he'd start learing to ask same from me so I can address his needs too.
