We've hit a roadblock and I would appreciate any input.
Last week, we watched one of the videos our MC gave us. It seemed to be hitting some important issues for H. Afterwards, he talked for quite awhile about how terrifying it is to feel vulnerable. He described going into extreme "fight or flight" mode when we get to uncomfortable issues in R talks, arguements, etc. He said that the whole time he's in session with his C or our MC, he feels like he's gonna thr ow up the whole time! He doesn't eat the whole day prior to a counseling session because of this reaction.

OK, I get it...many men have an real fear of vulnerability...so they put tons of energy into keeping up an illusion that they are invulnerable and not RULED BY FEAR!

This explains quite a bit...like how our arguements never seem to be anything beyond me (oh-so-carefully and uncritically) saying "I feel like this about such and such"--then he grunts and shuts down. Sometimes he may actually say, "I understand" before he grunts and shuts down, but that's as far as we get in trying to resolve most conflicts!

Now, I know that H is insecure in many ways. He's getting better about telling me about those insecurities and I'm doing a better job at assuring and reassuring him in those areas.

I have my own insecuries...ESPECIALLY now after his A! In the DR book, Chapter 10 discusses the importance of communicating my hurt and anger when it comes up and giving my partner the opportunity to reassure me. Quote: "Reassurance is an important part of the healing".

Problem is: I gently explain my worries and doubts. I even give H "cue cards". "Honey, what I would really like to hear is......A, B, C, D. Any or all of those things would be a big help."

But he grunts and shuts down and stares at the floor, looking sad and miserable. He calls me from work the next day and says, "I understand how you feel".

OK--but what about A, B, C and/or D????!!!! No reassurance. feel like this has been a serious problem in our relationship for many years and I am left feeling emotionally starved by it.

This is a guy who spent years of his life seeking out adrenaline-junkie activities, but shuts down in "fear" that he might feel or express and emotion?????

Any guys out there that could give me some perspective on this behavior?