I realize that I usually only call him when I'm bored or to share something with him about the kids (trying to keep him in the loop of the happenings in their lives). But rarely do I really just feel like talking to him. It seems futile to try. It's difficult to decipher whether he's telling the truth or not, even about mundane things. He doesn't like to be "known" so he's kind of evasive. Or he thinks I'm prying or trying to trap him or buttering him up to get something. It's hard to talk to him like I would with other friends (although I don't view him much like a friend anymore). He's in his "cave" so often so it's hard to get him to open up without him feeling suspicious. He's pretty much been like that for years.
Plus, I never know when he's in his good phase or his bad phase. I could say something completely innocent and it'll set him off.
When I want to hammer a concept into my brain, one of the things I do is to take index cards, write on it what I want to "tell" myself and put them all over the house. My friends like reading them, too. The most recent one is "GET A LIFE!" lol I realized how much time was spent lingering around the phone or computer in hopes of contact from him. Then I'd break down & call or text him. I hated that. One of the things I did to challenge myself was to set a goal of not contacting him for 7 days & rewarding myself with a full body massage (I have fibromyalgia so this was more than just a luxury). I still haven't made it. :-(
Hanging out here & reading through this forum has helped me tremendously to keep silent with him. I believe that if any great "realizations" are going to happen on his part to spur him on to change, it will come from really feeling the absence of this family (& particularly me & all of the positives I bring to his life). He needs to really understand what his life will be like without us in it on a regular basis. I mean, he will only see the kids a couple times a year because we will be living in separate states. I know that he relies on me for things and really doesn't have any 'real' friends (I don't count the ones he plays Warcraft with online or the women he meets on Myspace). When/if the divorce is final, I will not be his friend anymore. I will be civil, respectful & mature for my children's sake. He is throwing me into the hardship of being a single mother of 4 kids (one being an infant) & having to go back to work full time (when he knows how passionate I am about the importance of being a SAHM). He not only deprived the children of a 'regular' father when he abandoned this family, his actions are depriving them of a 'regular', available & attentive mother as well. I can't be friends with someone like that. He's not going to have the perks of the marriage/family without the commitment & sacrifice. I want a partner in raising this family. One that is dependable & available & sacrificial, not one who does the right thing when it's convenient for him or makes him feel good.
