((Purpley)). I read the things you and LostLove write about and it often hits home in a deep way. I feel much the same...but less and less so as time goes on.
H and I had planned to spend this weekend together and drive around looking for some good camping spots. Two and a half months ago, he wrote me a letter (expresses himself much better in writing than face 2 face). He sounded very doubtful that we would be able to repair our R, but did say he would want to try and asked what "conditions and groundrules" would we both need to have him come home?
Well, this weekend we spent a lot of time driving around talking about all of those things--my expectations...his. So ironic that as it turns out, what we want is basically the same--to feel closer, to feel like partners, to feel secure, to feel accepted and not negatively judged.
Early on, I was horrible. I ripped him up one side and down the other when I found about about his A.
I raged. I shamed. I screamed. I burned his belongings. I put hair remover cream in his hair regrowth spray and secretely laughed to myself everytime I saw how his bald spot seemed BIGGER each time. I told him that I'd been unhappy with our R for a long time and should have been the one to go mess around on him. I told family and friends how I'd been wronged. I emailed and called OW -- screamed at her and called her a flaming C**T. I came to their work and stared her down. I let him know that just seeing him brought up homicidal thoughts.
In other words--I went pretty much psycho. I can't judge anyone else for their reactions to their own situations, I have no right. At the time all I could feel was like a wounded animal. All I could think was, "how DARE you neglect me, sabotage our relationship, then go screw around on me?!"
H, was, needless to say HORRIFIED, but also very surprised because he'd given up on our R...thought I didn't love him or like him anymore, but he felt obligated to stay and be responsible.
When we split, he realized that I did care...that I had loved him and he'd lost me. He felt that even if he tried everything, he'd never be able to fix it--wouldn't even know where to start. He wanted to run everytime he saw the hurt in my eyes or my anger.
I was having my own rude awakening at the same time. I realized that if I continued to feed and nurture my hurt, resentments & anger, that I would never heal. I knew I wanted my H back, and I knew that if I kept feeding the negative stuff he would never think there was a hope in hell for our R. I didn't just want the R, I wanted a better R, and that meant this old dog had to learn some new tricks!
I decided to act "as if". I encouraged and acknowledged his every little effort and stopped pointing out his "failures". I gave him specific things to do and say that gave him a sense of control if I started to get reactive. I gave him (I'm not kidding) scripts to say...practically cue cards, to reassure me when I would ask for reassurance. I reassured him, over and over, that while I may really dislike some of his behavior, I deeply loved him as a person and as my partner (you can't change who you are, but I have faith that you can change behavior that is destructive to our R). Most of all, I acknowledged my own failures, weaknesses and regrets.
H and I have never gotten legally married. For the last 9 years, we have lived in a legal limbo that some States call "common law". I have felt hurt and humiliated for a long time because H started out saying he wanted to get married, but somehow there were always excuses and something better to spend the money on, etc.
Today, H said, "I will never understand why you love me or how you could want me back after I betrayed you so terribly, but I give up trying to analyze it. I can't help but see and accept that you really do love me."
He also said, "I think that I have done the worst thing that could have happened to our relationship, and yet, somehow--we have been able to start turning things around and I feel that we are closer now than we have ever been. I don't feel like I need to keep my running shoes by the door anymore--just waiting for things to fall apart. I think you need to have a solid symbol of my committment, I think we should set a date and get married."
This is me today: ...and at this point, I would be happy if he'd just come home...but I don't think it will be much longer.
I'm not saying that I don't express my hurt and pain at times, but I don't try to punish H. I tell him what I feel, but don't go overboard with it. It will take a long time to heal, and trust will not come easy at times. I choose not to focus or obsess about the negative things, though. When I do feel anger and hurt rise up, I try not to leave H feeling hopeless and helpless in the face of my emotions.
That's my rambling for today. All in all, it was a great day and we got a lot of things resolved. Hard to accept that it took an affair and nearly losing each other to realize we needed to communicate better and the rest would come naturally.
