Have been reading your posts. I am a newbie, still reeling with emotions. The big difference with my sitc and yours is that my W had A. If you knew us and her, you would say that would never happen. A good friend of mine said that many W's are not running away from something, but to something. With that being said, it sounds like you have done you due diligence and checked and found nothing. That is good news.
Like you, sometimes when we talk, it seems like nothing is going on, you wouldn't even know that we were in this sitc! The happy attitidue is such a blessing, isn't it.
It sounds like you are making great progress and taking the steps slowly. I have zero patience, but it sounds like you are DBing so well. I am working on the first two steps still, reducing the negative emotions and good energy in the house. It sounds like you are on step three - friendship. I hope so, success stories is what we all need to hear.
Peace,
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
ping - I just told you MY story about going dark and having some results - nothing about connection between our sitch or that I think there may be OM - sorry if I made you think that, it wasn't my intention. - every sitch is a world on its own. Going dark with kids it is very different and only partially possible - and needs some planning - but for me is possible because I can stay with the kids after school without having to stay with W - "busy at work". She thinks I am dating, because she sees me always dressed up and taken care - she told me that, I try to be vague "I am seeing some new PEOPLE but I am not dating anyone". She said she doesn't want to know if I'm dating or not but she understand I am free like she is - since she served me the divorce papers - I said that, since we have kids, my responsibility toward my family and my M are not dictated just by a stupid piece of paper.
Hey rop, I think that you need to not worry about telling her ANYTHING. She will think what she wants and nothing you say will change what is in her mind already. I think that it is great that she is ASKING you what is up...this is showing a sign of concern....but I think it is to justify what SHE is doing.
ping1: take everything that is going on, what is being said and write them down. This is exactly the feedback you need to correct your past mistakes. Now, whether or not things work out, at least you will have this as "I didn't know I was doing that" kinda info.
Ping, It sounds like you are making great progress and taking the steps slowly. I have zero patience, but it sounds like you are DBing so well. I am working on the first two steps still, reducing the negative emotions and good energy in the house. It sounds like you are on step three - friendship. I hope so, success stories is what we all need to hear.
Peace,
Hi CBK, I assure you one of my weaknesses is PATIENCE. For the first 4.5 months of this I was not patient whatsoever. Then I realized that the only way that I will have any chance of helping myself and having any success at saving my M I had better learn to be patient. Believe me, it is not in my blood but I am learning this trait.
The best I can tell you is to follow the principals of DR, and that means being patient. I have looked at many sitch on this board and many of the success stories, they all say the same thing, if you want success, learn to let go and act as if. Only at this time will our WAS not feel the pressure that we put on them and it will give them time to really think about what is going on.
I have been at this approach for 2 weeks now, I can say that my W seems much friendlier and I even had an invite from her and the kids last weekend to go ride gokarts and play putt putt. This would not have happened a month ago. I am seeing baby steps and logging those in my mind. The way that I am dealing with this is I keep telling myself that all will be OK in the end. I am making the necessary changes to be a better person for myself which is what my W wanted. Soon she should see this.
Thanks rop and FA, I appreciate your feedback, I will continue to do what I am doing, talked to W 2 times today, once about ballgames and the other was to tell me she was just leaving the beach. I kept the conversations short and both times was the one to end the conversations. She was nice and pleasant in both talks.
Ping - will keep stopping in to see how you are doing. It is still early for me - about 6 weeks since the B and then a few days later, the A was discovered she was in. I am getting better with patience, not great. So many things I want to say, hopefully will get that opportunity some day!
Take care,
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Ping - will keep stopping in to see how you are doing. It is still early for me - about 6 weeks since the B and then a few days later, the A was discovered she was in. I am getting better with patience, not great. So many things I want to say, hopefully will get that opportunity some day!
Take care,
CBK
Trust me, I have many things I want to say also but I know I will never get the chance and there to be a happy ending if I don't wait until the time is right. Make patience a priority for you. Anyone that knows me knows that this is not my style. As GL posted to me, neither my W or I are ready to R right now because we both have some learning to do, I realized what he was saying. You could not have told me this 3 weeks ago and I say you don't know what you are talking about, but I can tell you that he was right. I am holding out hope and being patient while I do. My heart tells me my W will come around sooner or later. I hope my heart is RIGHT.
CBK, one other thing to say. When my W and I S, I asked her mother what should I do. She gave me the advice that I needed to seperate myself from her and not put any pressure on her at all. In MIL's 2nd marriage, she found out that her H cheated on her and they split up, she did all of the begging and all and she said looking back on that she could tell that really pushed him away.
I tried this for a few days and W made the comment to her mother that I have seperated myself from her and I haven't been calling her anymore. MIL told me about this and she said keep this up. Well, that didn't last long as one of my good friends went through a D about 2 years ago and he told me I needed to be telling W how I felt and telling her how much I loved her. Well as you can see, I am still here so that did no good for me, in fact W wouldn't even respond to my emails or texts that I sent her when I mentioned anything about us.
I only found this site about 5 weeks ago and have really only been implementing these tactics for the last 2-3 weeks. Time will tell if anything good will come from it or not in my sitch.
ping1, just a footnote to the in-law thing....be very careful. It looks good that you are getting the feedback from her but this could come back to bite you in the butt later.....TRUST ME! It looks as though you are getting coached but that is good and bad....you have to try and work on yourself rather than doing things to get feedback on how wife is responding. All I'm saying is be careful.
FA, that feedback came about 5 months ago right when we S, none since then. I know better than to try to get any feedback from her now. Thanks for your advice.
