Ok, I just got through ALL of your posts and reading your situation. I see myself in your wife. I hate it that I see myself in your wife. She is not where I am yet, but I believe she will be. This thing she is getting from the OM is so powerful and real to her. I'm still dealing with this myself as you know.
Here are my thoughts from "the other side". You are getting lots of advice from others in your position. In my gut, and being christian, I knew the right thing to do...but, because of my past with H and the pain I felt for so many years I was unable to be strong enough to do what was right. I was weak. Have you ever asked her what it would take to keep you two together? Have you ever sat down and asked that....even if it ends up being "for me to love you which I don't think is possible". Because from there you tell her it is possible and you make steps to show her. You explain that she is addicted right now and "in love" to the OM right now, but that that can happen again with you two if she works with you. She will need to have no contact and you will both need to have counseling or do the retrouvaille weekend or a combination or just time. You tell her, if anything, it is worth it for the kids. You convince her that she will always look back and think she never tried enough. If anything, she needs to KNOW under no uncertain terms that she has tried EVERYTHING possible and has made absolutely positive sure that happiness is not possible before D. You tell her that it might take time. You tell her if she says she will do the "No contact" that you will need her phone and she will need to get rid of the myspace, etc. and she will have to deal with you asking questions constantly about where is is, etc. I told my H he has every right to call me at anytime and expect that I answer and if I don't then he has a right to find out exactly where I was, etc.
This is all easier said than done. For me, what it took, was my H showing interest in me again and he went to see a counselor to try to "fix" his lack of emotion. I needed to see him wanting to work on us, and I needed to see him try to do something to change. The minute he did this, I started my process of trying to end the A. I was this OM's gf for a year, and was another OM's gf the year before and my H didn't know. That alone shows you how "detached" he was from me. What also made it clear to me was when the OM wanted to move to the next step, I couldn't do it. I don't want to be a part time mom. I would be absolutely miserable not kissing my son every night before he goes to bed and having him run to me every morning saying, "Mama!!!!" I need my son EVERY day and I believe he needs me every day. I want my marriage to this wonderful man work for me, for him, and for my son. Your wife needs to want it to work for those reasons, too.
When in the throes of the A, everything is clouded because needs are being met and this OM is loving her like she has never been loved before and she is constantly reminded that. Everything reminds her of the OM...the songs (OMG I tear up when I hear them), the places they went, the things that are said that remind them of something the OM said that was sooo wonderful, the way the OM holds them that you have never held them, the way the OM calls them "baby" and you have never called her "baby", the way the OM understands her so much more than you have ever understood her, the way the OM has fun like you have never had fun.......this is what you are dealing with........
She has to want a family more than she wants to be happy herself at this point. She has to have a small sliver of a hope that she can be happy in the future with you...as happy as she is with the OM but maybe in a different way....a better way.
Ok, I have been on here wayyy tooo long and I need to get doing some things. I will come back on later and post some more. BOy, I am drained.
