Thanks, Hopeful! I will probably talk to the C and my insurance company and hopefully can work it out. I am hoping my H will cool down, but kind of don't expect him to. My daughter's psychiatrist advised us about 2 months ago that we should try to keep everything as routine and normal as possible & not make changes as she says that is important for autistic spectrum kids. So H wants us to move out of our house, move to another town, stop homeschooling them, put them into public school, and have me start working full-time although I have been a sahm homeschooling them the past 7 or 8 years! And he just moved out last month! It's like he wants to change everything in our lives to make him happy, but he doesn't think about the kids really. He has been seeing a therapist to help with him anger and that doesn't seem to have helped him much either! I am just going to try not to let his anger or moods affect me as I did yesterday. Hard, but I am going to work on it!!! Karen
My H is very adament about the house. Wants his 'share' of the equity, and knows full well that I wouldn't be able to stay there with the kids if he did that, at least right away. He wants his money, so 'we have to sell'. I refuse to give up that easily. I won't fight him to the death over it, but I will wait it out until he listens to other options.
Those are SO many changes your H is expecting of you, all at once. I would just sit back, stay calm, and listen to the reasons your H lists for you, but don't make too many comments. He can't rush you into anything, so don't panic.
Lwb, one thing I think that makes me want to stay in the house is that the real estate market is so bad I think everywhere but def. where I live. The house either wouldn't sell or we'd probably have to sell for just enough to cover the mortgage, real estate agent, and all the closing and other costs. So I think you might get less money or even have problems selling your house now, at least our sitch is like that.
So far the only reasons H has given me for all the changes is that it would be good for him! Kind of the story of our marriage the last year or two. I think almost every change would help him out in a divorce settlement (but he can't tell me that of course)! And my focus is on what's best for the kids so I guess we may have to fight it out. I think I would agree to better for H than the divorce court judge so if he wants to push it to that I think he will prob. hurt himself. I don't think (at least I hope) a judge wouldn't order all those changes for the kids. I have 2 therapists, mine and D8s psych that would probably argue against that, too. Karen
Our circumstances are so similar. When W and I were dating and during the first part of our marriage, while we planned our family, we both agreed on homeschooling (my brother and his wife had begun doing it too) and in raising our kids ourselves, avoiding daycare as much as we possibly could. She joined homeschooling support groups, studied books and other resources, and got all geared up to be a mostly-SAHM and home-schooler.
Over the years however since S7 came along and he began exhibiting the problems associated with Asperger's, W has changed her tune completely. She decided that S7 would be better off in public school, that she wasn't up to the task anymore, and even states that both S7 and S3 need the "socialization" skills that only a public education offered. (But that's what the homeschooling support group she belonged to was for.)
Oddly she had at one time considered these same so-called merits of a government-run education (no offense to you educators out there, BTW) to be highly dubious. And she had sworn she'd seek private school before public school for our children.
My, how times and people change.
She is now constantly trying to "sell" me on the wisdom of her unilateral choices. Whatever.
Our circumstances are so similar. My, how times and people change.
She is now constantly trying to "sell" me on the wisdom of her unilateral choices. Whatever.
I know. I think our spouses almost sound like the same person sometimes!!!
That is a tough one about homeschooling. I do have empathy for your wife in that homeschooling AS kids can be tough (I know!) and my kids and I all have pretty mild temperaments so get along well, and I have a teaching degree and a little prior teaching experience so think that's helped me. I even took Special Ed classes during my degree b/c of H's LDs, but it worked out handy! But of course it sounds like both our spouses seem to have changed personalities and brains even like they are totally different people than we married, which I think has happened in both our situations!
It seems to me like if you have been supportive of something like homeschooling for 7 years and then you only change your mind because of your affair/separation/divorcing that decision not to support homeschooling seems really suspicious & suspect to me, like my H is thinking about himself rather than the kids. So I know my fighting him on that is prob. a good choice for our kids which are really my main focus.
I think we both (you and I) don't have very positive outlooks on our marriage right now and I am DBing for me and our kids now rather than the marriage. I think it doubtful my H would come back as he seems so selfish & angry, really like a different person. And even if he did at this point, I am thinking do I want to be in a M with someone that is angry most of the time, hangs up on me when we are talking on the phone, and has an affair and all the other stuff he has done this past year??? I think both of us deserve better than the current spouses we have, so they would both have to undergo miraculous change (and I think it would def. be a miracle in my case)! Karen
I have a ? for anyone that cares to answer. H came over again today and he immediately tried to start a fight over the fact that the house is more expensive than $800 a month b/c of property taxes & insurance. Yes, but I think it is still cheaper than getting a rental in a neighborhood with good schools like H wants and/or paying for private schools and/or tutoring for the kids rather than homeschooling if I work full-time, etc. Plus when the housing market improves or when we are ready to sell we will get money back & if we sell it now will get nothing. He also complained that I wanted him to look at the toilet again which is leaking and I don't do my own repairs!!!
I didn't say anything and just went upstairs right away to work out and avoid H's anger (replay of his anger yesterday it seems). H told me he is upset today b/c he doesn't have much money right now and that he couldn't afford his own apartment but for the last 6 months or more he has been blowing $500-$600 a month on the OW, hotels and lately nice restaurants many times a week. And of course it was his choice to move out and have the double expenses!
We are going to have to call a plumber it turns out b/c H wasn't able to fix it either! And I was thinking about emailing H something like:
I agree with you that I need to do more repairs around the house. I think plumbing and electrical might be over my head at least for now b/c I don't want to cause myself or the house damage, but think I should try to do any other repairs that come up.
I am trying to get a part-time job so with that income we should have almost $100,000 a year (note: H's salary is of course most of that!). I think we should be able to live on that & we will both maybe have to try to economize like cutting down eating out and keeping the air up and that kind of thing. Or if you don't want to do that you could also get a better paying job (note: he has a state job so would get paid more if he worked for a private firm but would prob. have to work more hours).
I don't think your anger about finances is deserved b/c you are the one that has chosen to move out and increase our expenses. I will get a part-time job (all I can handle with homeschooling), and then it is your decision whether you want to live economically, get a higher-paying job, or just not have much money and do something that will reduce some of your anger as it is probably not healthy for you, your kids, (or me) !
Okay, please post if you think I should email this or if I do if I should make any changes! Be brutally honest I can take it! I have been trying to be friends with H, but I think his anger makes that very difficult sometimes. Thanks!!! Karen
Dear Prince Charming (Don't call him that unless you call him that )
I agree with you and I will do more repairs around the house. I think plumbing and electrical might be over my head at least for now b/c I don't want to cause myself or the house damage, but think I should try to do any other repairs that come up.
I've been checking around about how to reduce expenses, and the experts agree we should each keep track of EVERYTHING we spend money on for two weeks, even drive-thrus. So, if you're willing to do this as well, I will keep track of every dollar I spend. Then we can come up with some good solutions for saving money while still providing the best we can for our children.
sincerely, you
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I like SG's approach ... not so "in his face" (which will surely pizz him off) but acknowledges his concerns and gets your point across as well (the fact that his expenses are running rampant).
He wants you to make all the concessions to make his sitch easier. You shouldn't punish others for your own choices -- and that's what he is trying to do to you and the kids.
He wants you to make all the concessions to make his sitch easier. You shouldn't punish others for your own choices -- and that's what he is trying to do to you and the kids.
Yes, I agree with everything you both say. And I should be careful b/c he is a lawyer so I always need to think about that before I email, say, or do anything which of course sometimes I forget!!! And I don't want to be in his face or increase his anger. I really have been making efforts to try to get along with him as much as possible! I plan on sending that revised email (thanks sg !!!) tomorrow (he is incommunicado with OW tonight when I tried to contact him re: his wanting to borrow my car and I was trying to let him know he could use it while his in the shop.) Karen
Karen