OK, here's a big quandry I have in the DBing philosophy! I understand the reason for no R talks if one partner is unsure and R talks are part of pursuing.
Once you get to the peicing stage--how the heck to resolve problems in R or even go to MC WITHOUT R talks???
I have been told and read that the two biggest predictors to a married couple divorcing are: 1) habitual conflict avoidance and 2) negative attitude.
My H is an extreme conflict avoider. I'm more communicative and have more of a need to try to resolve problems, but after years of being shut down and R talks avoided, I gave up and shut down.
Now we have unresolved problems from the past (how to deal with money, kids, fair division of labor, etc) and huge issues post-affair about trust, forgiveness, commitment.
Not talking doesn't work for us. We both start assuming we are mindreaders and thinking we know what the other is thinking and get all screwed up. H and I decided yesterday that instead of occasional R talks at MC, we need to schedule R talk time.
We started last night and it was very helpful. Yes, there were times when anger and hurt feelings took over, but not so much to de-rail the goals. Slowly, as I learn more about the mindset my H was in when he initiated the A (it was what I can only call and "exit-affair" to start the process of lea ving our M), the easier it is for me to understand, forgive, see my part.
The more he opens up and talks to me, the more I can see the difference in his thinking now ("if something is wrong in my R, what could I try doing that might help make it better") I can see that he's taking responsibility, making a lot of effort, being pro-active.
In turn, seeing the changes and understanding where he's coming from keeps me more positive and I can show more appreciation for his efforts.
No R talks (lack of communication & avoiding talking about and resolving problems) was our downfall. Is the "no R talk" rule more for the early stages--but not for the piecing stage?
