I would encourage you to read up on how your brain is affected by the contact with these other men. Just Google "PEA infidelity brain chemicals" and there's plenty that you'll find. These things actually SHOW UP ON CAT SCANS, and withdrawal is a physiological event, not just an emotional one. Chemicals such as Phenylethylamine, Oxytocin, Pheromones and Serotonin. Not only will this give you a greater understanding of what you're going through, but it will also stress to you the urgency of the need to not have ANY contact with these men.
Each time you have contact -- even if it's just the returning of a text message or even just the READING, unreturned, of a text message, your physiological "clock" resets to 0:00:00 and your withdrawal period starts all over again!
I have been reading your posts since the beginning. At first, I thought you were my W! I am like hopeful - my WW is still in contact with OM on the phone and she is saying the exact same things you are. She said she has experienced true love and doesn't think she can ever feel this way for me again. Like hopeful, my W is not in a place where she wants to work it out, she wants to be alone and try and figure it out on her own.
Your postings are helpful in many ways to those of us on the otherside of the this sitc. Your struggles are true emotions and you are getting great advice.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
WDID, you are addicted. "I want my marriage" but then you listen to messages from OM.
The people here who talked of "rewriting history" - they are not kidding. It happens regularly. My wife rewrote everything in the throes of an affair. She even rewrote my parents' history! My parents had marriage troubles, then reconciled, this was 30 years ago. My wife rewrote it to say that my parents HATED each other. They are both gone now, may they rest in peace, which is why it is possible for her to rewrite it. But no one else - none of my siblings - see it this way. Just my wife. I'm telling you, it's real. The mental distortions are real. Please don't underestimate the seriousness. Your mind can play tricks with you. Puppy is exactly right.
You look at your husband and can't remember the good times. There's a chemical reason for this. It's not that those times were not there. It's that your brain is suffering from addiction. Don't get me wrong - I am not blaming you for this. It just is. And remember, you are not alone. You have support here.
But what is necessary is pretty clear. Get rid of the phone number. Change your email. Get the protection order to keep OM away from you and your family. Then, spend time with your hubby, even if it disgusts you or makes you wish for OM. These things are recommended by every expert. They may seem drastic and unpleasant, but they are necessary for your successful withdrawal and return to health.
If you can admit to yourself that you screwed things up pretty good so far, then it is not a big leap to decide to seek and follow wise counsel from this point going forward.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
[quote]She said she has experienced true love and doesn't think she can ever feel this way for me again. Like hopeful, my W is not in a place where she wants to work it out, she wants to be alone and try and figure it out on her own. [quote]
She is reading from the "How To Justify your Affair" book. My wife said the same thing. They all say it.
Having and rearing 4 beautiful healthy kids was not enough love for her. Having a safe and happy home was not enough. Having a devoted husband was not enough. No, she needed danger and novelty. So she started a long term affair with a drunk, also married with children, and blew up 2 marriages with 7 kids total. And she said "I have learned I can be happy again." How blind they can be! How selfish!
It is the addiction.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
It's the exact same thing that caused an otherwise bright, sane woman -- an astronaut -- drive across the country wearing adult diapers to go see her boyfriend and try to stop the other woman.
My brother is good friends with a guy who went thru flight school with this woman. Apparently, graduating flight school together makes you a pretty tight-knit group, and they all kept in touch, etc. He told my brother that this woman was one of the sharpest and brightest and most well-adjusted people in the class.
I've heard of women who abduct their own children, and flee the state. Men who empty their joint bank accounts, and flee with their girlfriend. Men AND women, sadly, who claim false child molestation charges, just to win custody.
My own wife developed another "voice." Seriously. It was not her normal conversational voice, nor her romantic (at least with me) voice, nor her angry voice or her sad voice or her professional (when she is at work) voice. When I heard her on recordings, talking to OM, it was a a completely different voice -- different tone, different inflection, different laugh.
It literally made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I even played one for her, and she said "Who is that? That's not me."
