How do they walk away?

[Treese]

Can anyone answer this???

H is here at the house to stay with son while D15 and I go to a mother/daughter luncheon....

He pulled up got out of the car and straight to work on the yard..now he is trimming, then he will mow, and plant the flowers I bought....

Is he just being nice so that when it comes time for settlement he thinks I'll be nice...or does he still feel a connection to the house?...

He had told his mom a while ago that he didn't miss the house because it wasnt a happy home (jerk, it was)..that is was just a material thing...

Is he really that happy at OW house, spending nights there, and spending some at his sisters??

I just can't get over how happy he looks, and he has been working out, he looks great...I on the other hand,look like I've aged 20 years....

Treese

[LL44]

I just can't get over how happy he looks, and he has been working out, he looks great...I on the other hand,look like I've aged 20 years....

Add that I feel 20 yrs older too, and you've got me.

My H surprised me last week by taking care of all the 'spring' lawn stuff. I didn't ask. He also cares for the girls in our home 4 nights a week and most always leaves the place spotless. Don't know why. Who knows!

Hope your luncheon was nice!

[almosthopeful]

((Treese)),

Can anyone answer this???

H is here at the house to stay with son while D15 and I go to a mother/daughter luncheon....

He pulled up got out of the car and straight to work on the yard..now he is trimming, then he will mow, and plant the flowers I bought....

I've not posted to you before, but sweetie I suspect noone really knows what goes on in the mind of an MLCer.

I will tell you this...for the first year of our separation, XH would pull up in the mornings to take S to school. On the day after "trash" days, he would ALWAYS pull the trash cans up the driveway, from the curb, up to the garage.

Why? Who knows! My guess: likes to use those little things to convince himself he is still a good guy.

Whatever, all we can do is say thank you, and keep on living.

Hugs,
AH

[LL44]

Whatever, all we can do is say thank you, and keep on living.

Yep Yep Yep!! That's all I do.

[hopefloats7]

My H came over and mowed the lawn for months after he moved out.

It's all guilt. If they maintain things at home like this, they feel a little less guilty and feel they are helping us out, helping us adjust.

Don't read too much into it. It's a popular action for many of them. However, do enjoy it's one less thing you have to worry about this weekend.

[Treese]

Yes that is true, it is one less thing to worry about but......

when he is here it brings back all the memories of us doing the yard work together and talking while we are doing it.....I just got back from luncheon...was nice....and as soon as I get home he can't look at me and when he does its a quick glance...and said he has to go....can't even chat with me for a minute...can't stand to be around me....it really hurts...I know I should be getting better but Im not....I worried about me...I want all this pain to go away...

All my friends are married or have boyfriends and I have no one to chat with...it's nice outside and I was sitting on the porch but started to cry...when does the crying stop...I didn't think I had any tears left but when he leaves it's like he is leaving all over again...

SOMEONE HELP ME DETACH!!!! I miss him so much...even after everything that has happened....why....who knows....I pray and pray, and pray.....haven't gotten my answer yet...or I don't see it....maybe it's staring me right in the face....but I just can't imagine life without him....

Sorry....was just venting.....

[newnamenewlife]

Hi Treese,
I so understand how you feel, I really do. My H is still here, but only because he is a procrastinater and hasn't gotten it together to find an apt. He is so icy cold and dismissive of me and it hurts terribly. He thinks he is doing me a favor, in that when he finally leaves, I'll miss him less than I would if he were being very attentive and sweet--which I guess is true. Still, it feels so calculated. I wish he'd just get out at this point, but then I see my kids and how attached they are to him and to us 4 and I keep holding on to hope that he'll stay.

I miss the guy he used to be and it kills me to hear him describe our entire marriage so negatively. To me, we were "in love" for longer than most couples and have always had a great R, even if it has been somewhat lackluster this past year or two. I KNOW we could improve things a ton, but he would have to want to and he doesn't.

So, as usual, I don't know what to say to help you detach. I cry less than I used to, but when H really truly moves out, I know I'll feel horrible again.

My feeling is that when he leaves, he stops being a resident of this house (though he still owns half). He would be happy to come back, tend to the garden, eat with us, and other stuff, but I think that would be cake-eating for him and hard for me and the kids. I have become dependent on him for lots of typical man stuff--fixing things, etc--so that's hard to deal with, but I feel like if he wants to S, then he needs to experience what it is like not to live with us, period. I know others are grateful to have their H's come home and help out. I may feel differently once he really leaves.

Anyway, hugs to you. I'm sorry this is happening. It SUCKS. I know eventually the pain will lessen for you, but I know it's really, really hard.

[CBK]

Treese,

I feel your pain and I am sorry. I started to tear up as I read your post. My W sounds like your H and you like me. Our sitc's are very close. I try and say that I have no more tears, then the waterworks start again and again and again! We are human and the hurt is real. We have to learn to deal with the pain, not our choice, but we have to stay strong - for you and your kids. From what I can tell from the postings, this gets better over time. The best way I can describe it is when my brother passed away 14 years ago. We are mourning our marriage now. It is like a tornado, right now, you are near the bottom of that tornado and your emotions are spinning out of control - they come so quick, you don't know what hit you. As you progress down this road, your emotions will move up the funnel of the tornado, your emotions are still spinning, but near the top, the emotions come less frequent. To this day, something will click and remind me of my brother and I become very sad. Those emotions, for me, will never go away, nor should they. I see my M the same way. Even though I know I will be okay, no matter what the outcome is, I will always have these emotions for my W and our M - because it has played a huge role in my life.

Treese, WE WILL BE OKAY. Surround yourself with your kids, my daughter just took me out shopping to buy some socks - kids are intuitive and have that amazing ability to lift us up when we are down - just by their stories.

Please take care - I am sure your stomach muscles hurt from crying, mine do - but I guess the side benefit is that it is helping tone my tummy :-) (my shot at humor).

CBK

[Treese]

CBK;
Wow you sound so strong for being so new at this....well, I've been dealing with this for 16 months now and it isn't any easier...as a matter of fact I think it's a little harder...I don't know...don't know much of anything right now...

I'm sorry about your brother....I know that had to be hard..I lost a close friend 2 years ago and I watched her go through the spread of cancer....horrible....

oh by the way....it may be helping our stomach muscles...now I need help on the other side....LOL...I have lost 15 pounds though..really didn't need to but I did...this is the worst diet ever....

you hang in there too....we need each other to lean on....

(((hugs))))

Treese

[CBK]

Treese,

Thanks - I just had a downturn - go to my thread Still Drowning after 23 years. Right now I feel horrible, holding back the tears. I am anything but strong, I just wish I could do as others tell me. I am so in love with W and she doesn't want to give me the time of day.

I lost 35 lbs in 5 weeks - holding at that I hope. It is amazing what a diet of water will do for you! :-) Not sure what to do on the other side of the tummy - but for me, sitting on it isn't helping! :-)

I am heading to the driving range soon. Need to work out some frustrations. I am afraid if I talk to W about anything, I will backslide. I tried to smile at her and she gave me a pathetic look back, like, I really don't care about you. Arghhh.