SF - fwiw, I think your h is very miserable and confused, alienated from himself. Those that are happy - well I think there are two possible explanations: they are not actually in MLC, but just immature people who have walked away from their marriage. They will likely do it again and again, until they realise that relationships have to be worked at. So as each r sours and gets tired they move on. They are freeloaders in the game of life. Or they are in MLC, but those that, as Lissie says, skim off the top of life. They do not wish to look within at all, and never resolve their crisis.
The real MLC, as recognised by many professional writers and therapist, and called by a variety of names, is a search for happiness and answers. The MLCer projects their misery onto the spouse and marriage, and often teh children too. Thus initially they appear happy because they have dumped their projection on to us.
Their selfishness is staggering, and oftentimes they appear to be able to connect with only one other person. SF you have been so patient.
SF - fwiw, I think your h is very miserable and confused, alienated from himself.
I so strongly second this, SF. He is acting the furthest thing from happy.
Now I hope you'll accept this in the spirit offered: IMO, telling an alcoholic in MLC that he needs to "get right with God" is just a waste of your breath. You may be right, in fact I'm pretty sure you are, but you are still wasting your breath.
Really SF, if your H had cancer your D wouldn't cut him off until he got right with God, she would encourage him to get treatment and she would get support herself. I don't know if your H is an alcoholic, but I know he is behaving like one, and that is what AA is the treatment for. Soooo, I'm going to be a broken record, and ask again have you and the children tried Alanon and/or Alateen? IMO it would help you, and it would signal him, without in any way telling him what he should be doing. In DBing terms, it is validating him by NOT telling him what to do, and it is GALing, by taking positive action to address the effects this is all having on you.
JMO, and offered only because you sound so down right now.
My daughter had every right to be able to express herself via text a few weeks ago telling her dad to get right with God. His drinking had nothing to do with what was on her mind or the message she was trying to convey.
No, we are not going to any AA meetings and while they may be good for some people, my kids would never attend. I come from a family who drank as did my father and he did some things that H never did while drunk but he later in life cut way back on his drinking. Some people find AA type stuff as New Agey while others find that faith in God is best and take what the Bible says to heart where it puts down doctors and lawyers to an extent to solve problems. THis would be my family's way of thinking.
H drinks at night, not before or during work and he certainly does not go searching cupboards for it either. If it is available, he buys it and drinks it.
His behavior is more in line with MLC then that of an alcoholic.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I'm so sorry, I'm gathering from your tone that I offended you and I didn't mean to do that.
Originally Posted By: steelersfan
FWIW:
My daughter had every right to be able to express herself via text a few weeks ago telling her dad to get right with God. His drinking had nothing to do with what was on her mind or the message she was trying to convey.
I didn't mean to criticize her and of course she has the right. The question is really, will it be effective, not it is her right.
His drinking has everything to do with HIS behavior, and that, In my opinion as well as extensive personal experience, impacts your behavior, and the children's as well.
I didn't mean for you and the kids to go to AA--you are not the alcholics--I meant to suggest you go to Alanon and Alateen--these two programs are for the families.
BTW..."God" is the central element of the AA, Alanon, and Alateen programs. People who haven't tried them don't usually know this.
I beg to disagree with you. Alcohol IS NOT the main culprit here. As a result of the MLC, many come to a crossroads after a few years, realize the damage they have done to their families not because of drinking but as a result of other behaviors such as affairs, that sort of thing.
Once they realize and attempt to make things right, the guilt is so overwhelming that they resort to self medicating.
I can honestly say that those of us on the other side have no idea how unbearbale that pain can be although we have heard from our spouses or others who have been in MLC how bad the pain is. It is way beyond what we can only imagine.
There are many who resort to alcohol to self-medicate and there are many who cut way back when they can finally cope with what they have done. I am aware of people who have done just this.
My husband can and has stopped drinking, he did so for one year. He is self-medicating big time. I know this, and others who know us well also know this.
I am aware of AA and their teachings. Thanks.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
