For the guys with kids and a WAW

[SirPrizeMe]

Hopeful,
I feel for ya.
You're in a terrible spot.
But you are fighting the good fight. Keep on going.


Tell your parents about the affair?
I was there. I didn't want anyone to know. This is a tough call. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I guess because of shame. I was shamed by my wife's actions. I wanted it all to just "go away". I wanted to handle it quietly and discreetly with just ourselves.

On the other hand, I could have used the support and advice, early in the situation. I could have used the stability that comes with support.

In retrospect, I would have told more people, earlier. I should have talked to more people, sooner.


The Rollercoaster
The 3:16 movie rental, and the ongoing contact with the other man. The holding hands and the divorce books. This is life on the rollercoaster as they say. You don't deserve this. Hopeful, I feel for ya. It stinks. You don't deserve it, but you get it anyway. and here's the thing; you are now being asked to be the best you can be, to fulfill the potential your maker put into you. You now need to be the best man you can be, for your children, and even for your wife. Right at the moment when you don't feel like being the best, you are being asked to be more christlike than you have ever been. Can you do it?

Hair color
Yes, I saw this too. Of course, every woman these days it seems wants to try different hairstyles, paint their nails, different fashions. It's totally normal. But on the other hand, big superficual changes, as in hair color or style, often indicate a desire to change themselves more deeply. My W went through 5 hairstyles in 3 years, searching, searching. When that didn't work to make her happy, she started with me - suggesting I grow a beard, grow my hair, change MY clothes.

What to tell your 14 yr old
This is delicate. I read that the truth works for kids 15 yrs of age and older. Your daughter is just under that line. But that line is artificial and arbitrary. Every person is different, every family is different. See, the thing is, you want to protect them, you want to sheild them from the ugliness and issues that are above their heads. At the same time they are old enough that they want the truth, and they'll be jacked if you hide the truth from them. This is, after all, their family, too. And it's very important to them.

The thing you must not must not MUST NOT do is lean on the kids for emotional support at this time. You are the rock. You must be the rock for them. You must act AS IF for them. They are unhappy, suffering, in ways they recognise an in ways they do not. You must not increase the burden on them. You must be the strong one. Again, I know, it's not fair. But this is your life now. You must bear that load. Enjoy your kids but remain their father.

The other thing I would caution against is secrecy. I would advise against having a "This is just between us" conversation with your kids - it teaches them the wrong lesson. Openness and honesty is best. I can see keeping a bday present a secret, but not serious things.

Initiating a divorce
Hopeful, I know you, man. I know your situation. You don't want to tear up your old life. You are afraid to even think about divorce. It's horrible. You just want your family back the way it was. I was there man. I was there. I am still there.

But the thing is, if your D6 is cutting herself, or if your other kids are suffering in other obvious ways, it is time to take a stand for them. I am not advising you to take a specific action, certainly not advising you to file papers for divorce, but... taking these things lightly seems dangerous and irresonsible. Hoping and hoping for a mended marriage while your children suffer is a terrible place to be.

Document what your kids are going through, and document your responses. You are caring for your kids now - document it.

Asking her back into the bed
I know this place, man! I know this place. Here is the thing. You can look at the situation and the righteous path is completely obvious to you: W should call it off with OM, cease contact, return to her husband and family, repent, ask and grant forgiveness, and begin the healing. This is right and true and good. You can see it. At the same time, you will look to yourself, fix yourself, become more patient, more understanding, more truthful, more honest more gentle. You will become a better man, for yourself, and for your family. And you will forgive. This is the true path. You can see it clearly. BUT !! She cannot. Obviously she cannot see this path, as you can. She sees OM as a possible path to happiness. She remembers the giddyness, the addiction. And OM encourages this. OM devalues family, commitment, true "agape" love. OM promises fun today, no responsibilities, no shackles. OM "needs her" - I'm sure he tells her that. And in that place, drinking in that influence, your wife sees fantasy land, where her actions have no negative consequences, where she can be extremely selfish and D6 does not suffer for it, where she can make and break commitments and everything is fine. She cannot see the righteous path.

OR, she CAN see the path, but it is too painful for her to walk the path. In order to take the steps on the path, she must admit to herself, and to you, and to the kids and others, that she has erred - not to say sinned - not to be too judgmental about it. But she has made huge mistakes. She has done terrible things. (You yourself have not been perfect in your marriage, I know this, because I am you, and you are me. You are not perfect, and you have made mistakes too, but your mistakes are generally inadvertent. And you want to correct them and grow and be the best father and husband you can be. You want this for yourself, I know.)

Either way, you cannot direct her. If she cannot see the path, or if she CAN see it and cannot bear to walk it. Either way., she needs to be in charge. She needs to select her path. Leaving the door open to the righteous path is what you can do. Pulling her hand and walking the path with her, won't work. She needs to do this herself. She needs to decide herself on the path, and take the path HERSELF. You cannot walk her path for her. You can only walk YOUR path.

So was it the right thing or not the right thing to invite her to bed? Who knows? And I know it was lovely to have your wife in bed with you, by your side. I know it. I remember my own wife's presence near me even now, and the mere memory of it is delightful to me. But she needs to feel free to decide for herself. She needs to feel that you want her back, but that she is the one making the decision to COME BACK.

If you shrink from her in revulsion at her behavior, then you are not leaving the door open. if you accuse her and criticize her to all your friends, you are closing the door. If you berate her and judge her out loud, etc etc. This is obvious.

But here is the crazy part. You have told her you love her and you have demonstrated that you want this marriage. And she hears you, and believes, for a moment. But the next day, she doubts. All the same doubts return, again and again. She doubts you truly have forgiven. She doubts that it is real. She doubts that you even CAN forgive her, that is is even possible. She doubts this because she herself cannot forgive herself. She herself is standing in judgment of herself. She herself is revolted. The only thing that cures this is a constant bath of encouragement, but it's got to be low pressure, oblique. Not "please come back to bed" which sounds heavy and serious, so much as "Wiggling toes together is just about the best thing in the world." or "I like dancing with you." It was unbelievable to me, that my reassurances to my wife were never enough. "You think I don't deserve my life!" she said to me once. It was shocking to me. Crazy even. I never thought this, even a little. I told her, whispered almost, "I think you deserve everything I can possibly offer to you. You deserve the best I can give. I want to give you everything." That worked for about a day. Shortly after, she was back to doubting me and my commitment.

She never got to the point where she truly believed that I wanted her. Somehow, she never really believed. I looked and looked at myself, but did not see what in my own actions would cause her this doubt. I can only conclude it was coming from inside HER.

I'm glad you had a night with your W in your bed. Did you ever consider a more oblique approach? Saying, "it was always nice to go to sleep with your feet touching mine" might work better than "would you please come back to bed?" The latter feels like pressure, the former less so.



R talks
You asked a question, "avoid all R talks or only avoid initiating R talks?" The answer is, avoid initiating. The point is to let them drive. if they want to talk about the relationship, GREAT. you should be happy and should respond. Refusing th engage would be shutting her out.

Attorneys
I hate what is happening to you. She is considering, considering. She is thinking "what is a divorce like?" And at the same time "what would it be like if I stayed with him?" When she looks at books for attorneys, can you just .. BE? Do you need to react? Maybe you can just do what you did - act AS IF everything is fine, blow it off.

At the same time I would seek the advice of an attorney right now. I know it is horrible to think about, but being smart is not being unfaithful to your marriage. Being prepared is not the same as desiring divorce. Don't feel like you are disloyal or breaking your vows by speaking to an attorney.

I was in your shoes and I avoided it, avoided it. And then my wife went around the bend, and I was in a much worse position. She asserted that I was never a good father and I had to defend against those accusations by "proving" that I was involved with my kids, and so on. That is much harder to do later. If you are thinking - that could NEVER happen to me, let me tell you, I was the same. No one I talk to can believe it. Not even her friends. Yet, that is what is happening - I am now compelled to prove myself as a father. Right now you can be taking photos with your kids, keeping the artwork they make you (dating it), writing letters to them - anything written.

Also you can keep a journal of what you do and when you do it with them. ("Went to the store with D6. She got a X and Y. Was very pleased." etc etc. Just keep a record of your child-care, child-rearing, and fatherhood stuff. Your actions on D6's behavior. You may never need this record, but if you do, it is there.

Lots of people gave me this advice and I SO STRONGLY did not want a divorce that I stuck my head in the sand and ignored it. Later I suffered for it.

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I don't pretend to have all the answers. I walk the same path as you do. With the above I am just trying to share my experience and hope with you. I wish you the best.