With all due respect Dom, you really ought to spend some time reading my old threads before you quote scripture to me and suggest I haven't "done" enough yet.
In addition to the things I have done, changes I have made and pride I have swallowed, you might also pay attention to the story of my marriage that preceded my MLC. Particularly his dysfunctional behaviors, which he is still firmly rooted in and shows no intention of wanting to change.
Dom, I walked this walk faithfully by the Word of God for a very long time and aside from the friendship that was restored, nothing else happened. Guilt soon overwhelmed me to such an extent that I was finding it unable to live with. While in that mindset, I allowed some things to be done to me that were very bad, very painful and very deviant - because I thought deep in my heart that I deserved it. Don't you dare suggest to me I have not paid. I have paid. I have paid by watching my children suffer, my extended family members be unsure of how to refer to my husband and me now, living with my own vivid sense of loss and watching my husband suffer in prideful obstinance instead of letting me help him; letting me BE his wife. And these are just words - do find the threads if you'd like the details of how I have suffered, picked myself up to walk right back into the fire and keep swinging and then finally, I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't get back up one more time. THAT is when the enemy had me, Dom. All that I did for my family that was good and restorative WASN'T. And I hated myself for not praying years ago - before the MLC - hated myself for not knowing that prayer was a tool against alcoholism - hated myself for being so ignorant all those years - then I hated myself for having an affair, for hurting my husband and for destroying my family. I had to WALK in that DAY AFTER DAY and it was impossible to live with. I couldn't punish myself ENOUGH so I found someone else that would. Do you know there are people that do that sh*t for FUN? Well there ARE. So I descended into the darkest place of my life in a demented effort to rid myself of guilt. If it were not for the scriptures, if it were not for grace, if it were not for mercy I'd have been left there. Fortunately, I wasn't in that place long. It was another pit. Just like the Psalm, Dom. 40. He picked me up out of the miry clay and set my feet upon the Rock. I wasn't even reaching up this time either. My SOUL cried out to Him, though. Do you know there's another scripture that says - and DO keep this in context with what I am saying to you - 'if you sit here you shall surely die'? - That is me. If I were to remain in that place, spiritually I'd have died. I don't think I'd have been lucky enough to die physically.
I am finished. Should I pay with my soul? Should that be the cost for what I "stole"?
Because that is the ONLY thing I have left and I BARELY got out with THAT!
