Glad to hear you are still feeling well, keep it up, there will be some days that you will feel down, I have felt a little down the past few days after waking up but I am keeping my positive attitude and moving forward.
M from T - I tend to believe that your W is not having an A from the evidence you have gathered. I also dont think you need this DUDE to visit you yet - you seem to have it together pretty well in spite of your great thread title. You have ridden this bull in the rodeo before and know the signs to look for.
I think it is ok to snoop to find out initially if there is an A. You could even then choose to expose the A as it is thought that once it is out in the open, the thrill of the secrecy is gone and it stands a higher chance of dying of quicker. However, once you have the information of an A, snooping further is only going to cause grief for you. You will have nothing to gain by continued snooping.
But, be prepared that once you confront them with the fact of the A, that they may use the snooping against you. They will say this is an intrusion into their privacy (which it is). What they are doing is trying to deflect the guilt of being caught in an A. Anger towards you is the best way to do this. They need to make you out to be the bad guy to justify their own immoral behavior. The A is a far more serious betrayal of trust than snooping in my opinion.
It doesn't always happen this way as I can attest. I did not purposely snoop when I found out about the A. I could not get a hold of my W one night when she was out with a lady friend. So I needed to get a hold of her for a question about the kids and looked at the cell phone records online to see if I could find her friends phone number from the times they went out. I found a number and called it - it was another man. One that W was having many phone calls with. I also found another number which was called often to another man. I did reverse phone number lookups and got all their information. One man was 67 years old - this is the one W lives with now.
When I confronted her, she asked how I found out and I told her. She was not angry that I snooped. At this time she also told me the famous "I dont love you anymore" line. I still snooped to see if the phone calls continued. W tried to call with her cell phone through an international long distance provider to make local calls to these guys thinking I would believe she was calling her mother in Thailand. I looked at the records for the long distance provider and found out she was trying to hide the calls. When I confronted her, she felt trapped like a rat and was embarrased, but she was not angry that I snooped.
Over the next month, I periodically kept checking if she was calling the other guys. She was. But, what was it getting me - nothing but frustration. I gave up the snooping long ago and I am glad I did.
M from T I just wanna say thanks for all your posts. I long to be at peace. I hope it continues for you. You speak from the heart. And not knowing you from Adam it sounds like your gonna be okay. Kudos man
Well there was actually a big blow up in Sept. then things calmed down. She had been in and out of our bed between Sept and Dec. but mostly in our bed. There was a small blow up in Dec, just before Xmas...she had said that she was taking our D to her parents in NC for Xmas and insinuated that my family would not have much time with my D. Her family had my D for all of Thanksgiving week at Disney and I let her know that they were not going to have Xmas week also. This lead to a fight and her moving downstairs..that is the significance of Dec. Her moving downstairs again--It hit me, if I don't change then we are not going to make it. GL did you see my response about the A?? What else can I do besides PI?
M from T - I tend to believe that your W is not having an A from the evidence you have gathered. I also dont think you need this DUDE to visit you yet - you seem to have it together pretty well in spite of your great thread title. You have ridden this bull in the rodeo before and know the signs to look for.
I think it is ok to snoop to find out initially if there is an A. You could even then choose to expose the A as it is thought that once it is out in the open, the thrill of the secrecy is gone and it stands a higher chance of dying of quicker. However, once you have the information of an A, snooping further is only going to cause grief for you. You will have nothing to gain by continued snooping.
But, be prepared that once you confront them with the fact of the A, that they may use the snooping against you. They will say this is an intrusion into their privacy (which it is). What they are doing is trying to deflect the guilt of being caught in an A. Anger towards you is the best way to do this. They need to make you out to be the bad guy to justify their own immoral behavior. The A is a far more serious betrayal of trust than snooping in my opinion.
It doesn't always happen this way as I can attest. I did not purposely snoop when I found out about the A. I could not get a hold of my W one night when she was out with a lady friend. So I needed to get a hold of her for a question about the kids and looked at the cell phone records online to see if I could find her friends phone number from the times they went out. I found a number and called it - it was another man. One that W was having many phone calls with. I also found another number which was called often to another man. I did reverse phone number lookups and got all their information. One man was 67 years old - this is the one W lives with now.
When I confronted her, she asked how I found out and I told her. She was not angry that I snooped. At this time she also told me the famous "I dont love you anymore" line. I still snooped to see if the phone calls continued. W tried to call with her cell phone through an international long distance provider to make local calls to these guys thinking I would believe she was calling her mother in Thailand. I looked at the records for the long distance provider and found out she was trying to hide the calls. When I confronted her, she felt trapped like a rat and was embarrased, but she was not angry that I snooped.
Over the next month, I periodically kept checking if she was calling the other guys. She was. But, what was it getting me - nothing but frustration. I gave up the snooping long ago and I am glad I did.
I understand and I do agree with what you are saying. Thanks for stopping by.
Where I am right now in my sitch, nothing is private. The book of our lives is getting ready to be opened by L's since th papers have been filed..
Just an update on today. Before you read this here is the deal on today. I told my W a few days ago that I was taking D2 to local music festival today, W said "great, I have lots of work to do at home", she brings her job home sometimes. Thought the morning started out OK but found out later on it was not very good in "you know who's" eyes..Anyway, up about 8:30, everyone up at the same time. Read paper, breakfast then up here and on the computer for maybe 20 minutes then into the shower. Mind you, W does the same thing I did with exception of shower. I get dressed come downstairs and hear W stomping around. Asked "what is wrong" then get bomb barded with I don't help her enough on Saturday morning..I was actually getting my arse ready so the D and I could go to a local, car show, music festival...so while she bitched, pissed and moaned I got my D ready. I thought I did ok not getting pissed. She did tell me that today was an example of why she won't work on the M and that I had not changed. I told her that the changes were for me, not for her and that I did not care if she worked on the M or not. Gathered up the things I needed with D, loaded up the car and told her to have a nice day. She complained that I did not get up, get ready and get out in time..some of her "work time" was lost since I took too much time getting things ready. I probably messed up by not validating her feelings about her lost work time...OHHHHH WELLLLL. She did not piss me off. I am still calm and relaxed..4 days in a row..What is up with that?
Looks like I need to move slightly faster on Saturday morning..Maybe a 180 for me to try? Here I thought I was just an ass, I'm a slow ass it appears.
D and I had a real good time. D2 is a charmer to anyone around..She danced to a lot of the music..bluegrass and country. We stopped by a local playground after..then home.
She did tell me that today was an example of why she won't work on the M and that I had not changed. I told her that the changes were for me, not for her and that I did not care if she worked on the M or not.
Mike, this is exactly what you needed to say. This tells her you are detaching and changing for yourself, not her. You are doing great man, keep it up.
My W has told me she only wanted me to change for myself, not her, I have a feeling if I have heard this, you probably have also.
Enjoy your golf round tomorrow.
I have spoken to W a few times today, I swear it feels like we are still married and nothing has changed, she seems so pleasant on the phone, I almost slipped up and told her ILY not thinking because the conversation went as it would when we were happily married. Man, I just can't figure this mess out!!!!!!!
Well there was actually a big blow up in Sept. then things calmed down.
Ok. What happened in September?
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
GL did you see my response about the A?? What else can I do besides PI?
Yes, I saw your response. Stay observant. IF she is interested in someone, then at some point they always make a mistake of some kind. It looks like you have been considering that possibility. She may or may not be. I haven't ruled it out yet because of how many times I have seen these situations. I am currently observing a man I work with having an affair with the wife of another man that also works there. Both of these men work together, play golf together, etc. This has been going on for approx. 3 years. The man being betrayed still does not seem to be aware that his wife is having an affair with his friend.
Why? I don't know. Maybe he suspects and just doesn't want to believe it. Maybe he doesn't suspect it. The fact is that it is happening right under his nose and has been for years.
Stay observant. I would encourage you to follow Ping's attitude and actions. He is on the right track. No pressure. Act and be happy. Be mature.
Right now, I am interested in knowing what happened in Sept. Fill me in. It is important that ALL the facts are known so that your game plan is the correct one.
September was a screw up on my part. Labor Day every year MIL has a family reunion. My W hates it,complains about it, says she is not going to do it then her Mom guilts her into doing it. I stopped doing them about 3 years ago due to the way my MIL treated me during these things. I would bust my butt to get things ready for her reunion but it was never enough so I stopped doing them. They take place across the street from where we live at a pond my MIL owns. I can see the pond from my front yard. It's about 150 Yards from my front yard with a road between us. My W took my D over to the reunion which was Ok by me. I worked around our house.
While working around the house I saw on two separate occasions my D toddling around in the field at the pond between the public road and the pond with no one around her. This upset me. I thought it was unsafe. I called my W over let her know I was upset about D not being watched. W accused me of sitting up at the house spying on them, said I should have come over there to help watch D. Led to a big fight, I withdrew to keep it from getting worse, she moved downstairs. She came back upstairs after about a week and a half..
Moved back downstairs at the end of Dec. due to blow up over Xmas.
I KNOW THE SEPT BLOW UP WAS MY FAULT. I should have manned up, went over there and helped with my D..but pride can be a terrible thing. Due to my R with MIL I was determined not to attend that reunion..stupid and immature on my part. I apologized for it soon after...W tends to not let these things go, so we are where we are.
