Basically I know what she is up to...be it good or bad how I found out at this point does not concern me. This new R with OM is starting up. At this point the facts are there has been no physical contact, no kissing, nothing like that. They are set to meet tomorrow at some time not sure of that yet. But I am certain they are to meet. The meeting place is at his house, which I also know where that is. (I have done a lot of homework & have way too much access to everything) I am having a problem in that 1 week ago W & I had a great talk and got on the same page of where our separation is and what we both expect. Due to finances we still in the same house trying to live as separate as possible. During this talk I gave her permission (if you can call it that) to see other people. My reasons were as follows: I really want her to be happy right now and she simply is not with me at the moment. She feels like she has no idea who I am and we are simply not connected at present. Second, I know of her new R that is starting up and hoped that she would share w/me about it so I would not "find out" from someone else etc. I just did not want it to happen behind my back. Which it is anyway. Last night again, had a great talk where I feel like there is a chance sometime in the future we could come back together. Now to the sabotage part...I am so tempted to make sure her day tomorrow is unpleasant. See I do all the cooking and there is a certain food that makes her gasey & burp up the taste for hours after eating it. Plus cooking w/a lot of garlic may be helpful in making her less desireable to the new guy. Sounds childish and probably is, but I just can't "let" things progress when I know about them like I do. Am I crazy (or heading that way), or would this get an "atta boy" or should I just let it go for now & pray and hope that we can work things out? My mind is racing with the things that I can do do throw as many monkey wrenches into her day w/him. I'm not usually like this, so I don't know what to do. I feel like I gave her the green light and that was dumb, however, she was already envolved w/the OM when I did. ARGH! This sucks. My other thought is to ask her, "so what's his name?" There have been other things going on that I have picke up on and I'm not stupid, so they are obvious signs. Dressing & looking especially good, making "work calls" Sat night at 8:30pm (which she NEVER DOES) on this call making "work plans" for a Sunday working day in her office, where the original plan was for her to work quietly w/o interruption from kids, or anything else since NO ONE is there on Sunday. Oh, and the project to be worked on is here at our house, so she will have to pack it all up and cart it 1/2 hour away unload it to work on it. All very fishy so I am thinking to just come out and ask her what the deal is. Although I am sure I would get a BS answer back. So if anyone has any advice I would like to hear it. I am pretty sure I will not do anything stupid, but this is all just too crazy.
Last edited by Doingmypart; 04/27/0806:59 AM.
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
Man I feel your pain....the little things like cooking food that irriatates her is really small stuff. All this is a game and it sucks I know. If it were me I would confront her. You can't change what she does or how she feels. But you can let her know how you feel and and put the ball in her court. For me it would be a deal breaker and I would show up at his place just before her and say "thanks for the commitment" and walk away never to look back. Thats just me and I shot for the hip....probally why I'm where I'm at but hey it's my life. Best of luck whatever you do...just don't let her erode you any further and get away with it
Thanks Whathappened. If I did not have kids with her, I may just do that...I also do really want her happy and for now this may be it for her. Twisted I know, but I already see her commitment was weak and only if things were "good" all the time. We have been unhappy for longer than we have been happy, so I know she is just tired of waiting to see improvements. Then again has never really done much to help make those improvements. The weird thing is I'm in a really good place in that I am focused on being the best person I can be for me first, her second & kids third. A few years ago I would have been spiraling down and out of control. So that to me is a good thing. My heart tells me that we will end up together, but I just don't see it happening any time soon. which worries me.
ME 33 W 37 Together 8 M: 5+ disconnected: 5 D: 2 D: 3
I know..as guys we want to fix things, but there are some things that are just beyond our control. I don't have any but I think kids are a big deal and I would put them before her. I mean look at where she is putting you. I too wanted to buy into the fairytale and did lock, stock and barrel. Along the way I lost myself and made someone else my center hoping they would take care of my heart. I hope you continue to stay in a good place and wish I could find that place for myself....someday I will. It takes two to tango brother, you gotta figure out what you can deal with, but don't let her walk all over you or you will set the stage and her expectations too.
I know where you are coming from, wanting to 'unsmooth' her day. It hurts. I agree, I would confront her, tell her you realized you want her happy, but are uncomfortable with her seeing OP. You canNOT stop her, but you can put a stop to her lame excuses, saying you would rather hear nothing instead of lies.
There's nothing that says you can't change your mind about what you've agreed to. I suggest you stop playing games with your wife ("so what's his name?" and "giving her gassey food"), and simply confront her, and lovingly yet firmly say:
"Wife, I have done a lot of thinking, and I am no longer comfortable with you dating other people while we are still married. I know what you're doing, including what you're planning on doing tomorrow, and it needs to stop -- now. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, and to our marriage."
You're enabling your wife's infidelity, and I don't understand why. I know you're thinking you're being "a nice guy," but if you'd read "No More Mr. Nice Guy," you would see how far that will get you. (In fact, if you just look at your own recent past, you'll see where it has been getting you).
I suggest you fight for your marriage. And having set that boundary (no open marriage), there's absolutely nothing wrong with trying to make her "date" as difficult as possible to pull off.
btw, there's nothing "controlling" about establishing clear boundaries and laying out the consequences for violating them. "Controlling" is dictating what the OTHER person can do. "Boundaries" are letting the other person know "Look, I cannot control you, but these are my boundaries, and I cannot stay married to you if you continue to violate them. I WILL protect myself."
Everything Puppy said! I think you should definitely talk with your W and tell her how you really feel and tell her your boundaries as Puppy suggested (the last is something I've been trying to work on too). I think our spouses lack respect for us if we act too much like doormats (something I have done in the past and am working on). I'm working on loving and respecting myself, so others will love & respect me also! Karen
I think you should definitely talk with your W and tell her how you really feel and tell her your boundaries as Puppy suggested (the last is something I've been trying to work on too). I think our spouses lack respect for us if we act too much like doormats (something I have done in the past and am working on). I'm working on loving and respecting myself, so others will love & respect me also!