Alison - no book, bulletin board or support group can 'give' you your family back. You've been here long enough now to know that.

Likewise, the issues that lead to your husband leaving and your son's flash of determination (and it is a flash - he's 15, the world changes for him in seconds not days - he is as likely to change his mind when the OW step-mother makes him eat Eastern European goulash that's not to his liking!!! - he'll be back with you - then when you do something he doesn't like he'll be back with them - he knows he can play you guys - and it's working!!!) took years to become problems big enough for him to leave and it's taken years for your son to understand how to manipulate you. Those issues are going to take years to resolve Ally.

The only person who can put this back together is you. what would your strategy have been if it wasn't for Divorce Busting? Do you think that would have been a better strategy.

You've made the best of a bad lot. You continue to - and as you do you are learning and becoming stronger and more resiliant.

I love the Alison who takes her kids skiing and goes to singles parties and studies and works and LIVES HER LIFE. I'm less fond of the one who is attached, and is finding it so hard to detach, to her selfish, immature, self serving husband.

Ally - the bottom line here for you girlfriend is even if you H dumped OW tomorrow and said he wanted to come home to you and the kids - would you want him? After all you have gone through? Do you want to be with a selfish, cold fish who refuses to even give an inch to your not overly demanding requests for consultation and communication abaout the children.

The man is chicken sh!t. Even if he doesn't agree with your approach to the kids (which I think is part of the problem sometiems) he could at least have the guts to talk about his views and options with you. Yet he rarely does that. He just passively aggressively ignores you. You deserve more than that. You deserve a grown up.

Alison - your son is a kid. He might have said today that he doesn't want to go home - but you know as well as I do that kids change their minds as often as you and I change our shoes. He doesn't even have a bedroom there - how long do you think that's going to last?

And finally - even if he doesn't come home at this stage - perhaps there's a lesson you can learn from that - after all our children are only on loan to us - learning to love them from a distance and lovingly support them on their terms rather than on our own is a very valuable lesson for all of us.

Letting him know that you love and cherish him, no matter what he decides, may be just what he's looking for from you. We put a lot of conditions on our relationships - often unknowingly. You will be able to prove to him during this difficult time - that you love him in spite of his decisions. What a wonderful gift for a mother to be able to give her child.

Lots of love and all my thoughts.

Walkingback

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.