Karen. Yes. Its a good book, worth the read, if only to help you understand more. I didn't even read the end parts about reconciling and I recommend the book.
Oh and your H is spot on with the timetable.
I heard I don't love you anymore during the peak of the EA.
I heard a couple "I hate you's" and "this is your fault" at the start of the PA.
I got distant, angry, hateful and everything else in between during the PA and during the 'break up'.
In one of the books I read (Not Just Friends, I think), it mentions how a WAS has to build walls. They have to build a wall in between them and their spouse in order to let the new person in.
That makes a lot of sense. Ouch, it hurts
I think I'm getting angry, ms. lwb.. and I don't like it.
Angry is ok, totally normal. Just let it come and go, it will be replaced with something else soon enough. And sometimes that 'something else' is a good thing, like peace. I realized I cycle between so many emotions, some good and some bad. I just try to ride it out. Angry comes often as does sadness. But more and more these days, joy and peace poke in too, which is good. I think the key is not to get stuck in one emotion.
And for the record, that book, while I don't regret reading it, angered me greatly. It explained so perfectly what was happening with my H, but it angered me that H fell 'victim' to it. Why wasn't HE strong enough to make better choices?
Journaling:
H continues to avoid his family. He has new work friends, and new friends all around, apparently he doesn't need anyone that really "knows" him. New friends that don't know his history tend not to judge. So much easier for him to be around.
He continues to be selfish and not give me at least one weekend night every once in awhile to do what I would like (he says "get a sitter"). I asked him to watch the girls tonight (a Sunday night, c'mon!?) so I could go out for a bit, and I got a text of "We'll see". Fool. I would hire a sitter, but they have sitters all day because we are both working. They need Dad. I am angry (see Gypsy? lol Anger) and not sure quite how to handle this. I cherish my time with the girls, so I don't rock the boat much on that. But how selfish can he be? I should have not asked him at all, and just left when he got to the house. Live and learn.
Your mental, emotional and physical health is well worth it. Martyrs don't make good mommies.
Children adapt much better than their parents to change. They look to their parents for guidance.
I have no control over the complete lack of time "Kevin" spends with his children. I do have control over how I take care of myself and the kids. As someone who always put the kids and spouse first second and third, let me tell you... I made a BIG oops! The me in me got lost.
It's like the image I carried about a strong loving woman with a basket full of bread in her arms that she shared with those around her who needed it more. Each time the basket came back to her, she'd skip her share because others needed it more. After a while, those in the circle became well fed, the woman was happy and still kept passing on her share. In the end, the once strong woman was thin and weak, still passing the basket around to healthy strong people. Their concern now was on her. She could only see what had been their need, not hers.
I'm getting to the point where I don't have to hover a home 24/7 so the kids are not alone (granted they're 13 and 17). Being gone a little is okay if it makes me a better person.
Embrace your sanity.. your 'you-ness'! In a strange way, "me" time is "them" time too.
I have no control over the complete lack of time "Kevin" spends with his children. I do have control over how I take care of myself and the kids. As someone who always put the kids and spouse first second and third, let me tell you... I made a BIG oops! The me in me got lost.
I love everything you wrote Gypsy! So true!!! And my H has started paying attention and reconnecting to the kids this past month, so I do think they can change and realize what they are doing (or not doing), but they do have to realize that themselves and there isn't anything you can do. It's their problem.
I agree you should get a sitter and take care of yourself Lwb. BTW, I was raised by one single parent and I believe that is totally enough for a child if that happens. My dad was a really loving dad and I think as long as a child has one loving parent they can count on that is what's important and your kids luckily have you! Karen
That is one perfect statement that someone needed to say to me a long time ago!
Personally, I am torn between wanting D4 all to myself and knowing that I NEED time to discover me again. Maybe it's the guilty Mommy thing for so completely enjoying my time alone.
Awww.. thanks ladies.. your words give me warm fuzzies.
The woman and the bread basket was an image I came up with ages ago as a way to remind myself that giving too much was down right silly at times. It's still a little tough to apply but with this change in my life, it's becoming a necessity.
Something interesting about the time for ourselves, needing time to do it... In DR Michelle talks about couples who spend time together tend to stay together. Figures that the same applies to an individual, too. If you take time for yourself, you develop a healthier appreciation for who you are.. re-energize and renew.
I joined Parents Without Partners today after going to an event they had. What a nice group of people and it's neat to have so many activities in a month to do.
Karen